Ah, Now I Remember…

So I had been thinking about having to blog all day.  And most of last night  – when I should have been gleefully asleep but was somehow unable to curb the anxiety of what to write next.  But then I had an epiphany.

And my epiphany was summarily squashed by the ridiculousness of owning a computer. 

I opened my computer 97 minutes ago, thinking of the entire 60 seconds it would take to get logged in to the blog and have my way with her.  Ahem, let me note the time NOW, when I was able to log into the blog, at NINETY SEVEN MINUTES later. 

Really???  Ever had the same experience?  Here’s how it goes for me.

Wow, I have exactly ten minutes before I need to drive for an hour to pick up my daughter at school.  That leaves five minutes to check in on the blog, maybe two extra minutes to check in on facebook and three minutes to fire off those emails.  Here I go!

1) 1:00 pm   Open the computer.  It looks friendly; inviting even.  It wants to email, post and blog!

2) 1:02    Oh bleep.  It looks as if it UPDATED last time I shut it down. Why the hell do I let it do that???

3) 1:02 and 1/2    Oh yeah.  Because it made me.

4) 1:03    Oh great.  Black screen.

5) 1:07    FINALLY. My desktop.  Now, I’ll just click on the Internet option and we’ll get down to…WTF?  Three minutes is all I have left????  GOD I hate this thing.  Oh sure adobe.  Go ahead.  Update.  Yeah, you too flippin java.  Because it’s been a whole flippin TWO DAYS since you last got a piece of me…You too Norton?  Hate to be left out of a party, do ya?  Well go ahead.  It’s not like I had anything to do on the computer.  SHEESH…

6)  1:14    Yep.  Seven minutes later.  I cant take it anymore… I am already late.  I have to click on the internet option.  MUST click.  Why isn’t it doing anything?  Oh, for the love of god.  Let’s try this once more you beast.  CLICK.  CLICK CLICK.  CLICKCLICKCLICK!!!!!!   Great.  Now it’s frozen.  PERFECT!

7) 1:20    “Come on you prissy ?&$%^!!!  I don’t have all day for foreplay!!!!”  (ok, sorry, that was uncalled for.  but you know you’ve been there…)

8)  1:22    Oh, thank god.  An internet window finally opened!!!!!!  With my cursor poised for attack on my favorites link, I await the hasty departure of the thinking swirl (hourglass, or whatever you have it as.  I refer to it as the middle finger.  I wish they would just make it look like a middle finger.)  Alas, it keeps swirling. 

9)  1:24    Are you KIDDING me???  Just how many internet windows do I really need open?  There are 8 windows trying to open my excruciatingly annoying home page.  Right click; close.  Right click; close.  Right click; close….

10)  1:27  CRAP!!!  I need to LEAVE!!!!  I am gonna be late!  CTRL+ALT+DEL.  Where the hell is my task manager???  Probably on some stinkin’ vacation.  Look at that.  Big Surprise.  Frigid $%*@# is frozen again.  “Are you vacationing in Alaska you freak???” 

11)  1:30  Mother F&#%$%&* Bleeping BLEEP!

AHEM.  Wow, it’s amazing how much better that all makes me feel.  PHEW. 

I have no idea what I actually intended on writing anymore.  Maybe Amylynn was right.  I think I need to take notes.  And some Ginkgo Biloba.  That helps with memory, right?  Oh hell, I don’t remember…