Do you see now why I write at 2 in the morning?

I keep getting locked out.  I don’t know what’s happening in the universe, but it’s starting to give me a complex.

Several times over the Christmas break, I was locked out of the house. 

**Why aren’t Sassy and The Bandit in their showers yet?  Give me just a minute.

One weekday it happened when the children were sitting on the couch watching the Disney Channel next to the front door and their daddy was still asleep.  I knocked on the door.  And knocked again.  And then banged on the front door.  The whole while I can hear Mickey Mouse at a volume that will surely make my children deaf.

Sorry – I had to pause in my story again because a completely naked Bandit just ran through the living room with Idiot Dog in pursuit.  I notice the boy is distinctly NOT wet.  Now there’s a naked girl in here, too.  Oh for crying out loud.

I’m back.  Anyway, I started knocking on the window directly behind their heads.  Nothing.  Not even a curious nose from the dog. 

Hold on…I hear an awful lot of noise coming from the bathroom and none of it sounds like running water.

What were we talking about?  Oh yeah – so I bang on the window and yell with my mouth next to the window frame….

Oh, dammit.  I’ll be right back.  Now there’s crying coming from in there.  Deep sigh.

….and still no one answers.  I was out there in the freezing cold for ten minutes trying to attract some attention besides that of the neighbors…

LISTEN YOU TWO – IF I HAVE TO COME IN THERE ONE MORE TIME SOME LITTLE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO BE VERY SORRY.

Finally, I got their attention…

No, you have to use soap.  You know what soap is right?  Wait, the dog has something he shouldn’t.  I can tell because he’s slinking around crying.  He only does that when he’s stolen food.

I was locked out twice last week at work when I left to…..

For God’s sake Bandit, use a towel.  Wait a sec – I have to go get the mop.

Um… oh yeah…I left my desk to go to the bathroom.  It’s not a big deal….

Now Daddy is hollering down the hall and I hear sniveling.  I HOPE TO GOD I DON’T WALK IN THERE AND FIND TOWELS ON THE FLOOR.

What were we talking about?  Oh forget it.