The Truth, Five Dollars and the Better Business Bureau

I have an annoying tendency to answer the questions that other people ask me.  You might think that is what’s expected when you are asked a question but it’s not – it really depends on who is doing the asking and what they really want to know.

Here’s an example we all know requires only one answer:

Does this outfit make my butt look big?

It doesn’t matter who you ask this of or where you are when you ask or whether you think you want the truth – the answers is always NO.  (For you men out there, I have just provided you with all you need to know to have a successful relationship with a woman. No need to read any books.  You’re welcome.)

Because I am frequently asked questions by people who don’t really want a truthful answer or who are looking for a specific answer  – I now charge $5.00 (cash) to answer any and all questions.  And, since I fully admit I am missing a senstivity gene, I will refund a $1.00 (check) if I don’t give you the answer you really wanted and I should have known it or if I hurt your feelings – which, in my case, is usually the same as the first – and than you get $2.00 back.  This is really a ploy on my part to stop answering dumb, annoying questions. 

Today, someone asked me if I thought an outfit they had selected for a job interview was appropriate.  I explained my new rule and requested the $5.00.  I received a blank stare.  I assured them that I was not kidding.  $5.00 was not forth coming and neither was an answer.  I did receive a text later saying that I was nuts. 

Next!

The girl who lives at my house – “Why don’t you like snakes?”

(Background – we have a snake visiting for the summer.  I call it “The Accessory” because it would make a beautiful belt, wallet, or pair of shoes.   This annoys the boy that lives at my house.  He insists that I call it by it’s name.  I never do . . .)

Me – “I’ll need $5.00.”

Her – “Why? I’m not giving you $5.00”

Me – “I no longer answer questions for free.”

Her – “You’re nuts.”

Me – “That’s already been pointed out to me today.”

Her – “Here!”

To my astonishment, she handed me a roll of nickels.  Maybe charging was going to work out after all.  Visions of riches danced through my head. I saw vacation villas, yachts and . . . an annoying voice breaking into my thoughts.

Her – “Well.”

Me – “I just don’t like them.  Most people don’t.”

Her – “I paid $5.00 for that?  That’s your answer?  That’s it?”

This wasn’t going well.  It seems that when you charge for something some people believe they should get their monies worth.  clearly, the girl who lives at my house wasn’t feeling that way.

Me – “I could give you your money back.” 

Her – “You’d better or I’m calling the better business bureau and turn you in!”  

Me – “Maybe you should be more careful about what you spend your money on.”

At this point, she took her nickels back and started to walk away.  “I’m going to tell Dad on you.”

“Tell him if he has any questions, the answers are $5.00.”

I heard her from down the hall – “Your wife is nuts, you’ll never believe what she is up to now.”

I feel confident that my question answering days are about to end.