Thankfully for this blog’s sake, we’re completely nuts

I’ve driven My Honey crazy for years quoting from my Policy Book.

“You can’t eat at the dinner table with no shirt. You know the policy”

or “You have to get your homework done before TV. You know the policy.”

You get the idea. I don’t know why it bothers him so much that I call them “policies” instead of rules. Whatever, it’s all semantics. Of course, I’ve kept it up simply because it does drive him batty. That’s what married people do.

I have a lot of policies. Lots and lots. All the best mothers do, right?

1. We don’t put rice in our armpits
2. We don’t swing from the dishwasher rack
3. We don’t bite the cat – you’ll get hair in your mouth and the cat doesn’t like it
4. We don’t lick the DVDs no matter how much sticky candy is on them
5. WE DON’T TOUCH MOM’S STUFF (this one is roundly ignored no matter how often I scream it)
6. We don’t flush Army Men.
7. We don’t hide peach pits in the furniture
8. We don’t use Mom’s good hair brush on the dog
9. We don’t wipe pudding on the curtains
10. We don’t shove mushrooms up our noses

This is a small sampling of The Bright Family Policies and Procedures Manual. I’m sure your family has plenty of them that sound remarkably similar no matter what you call them. Well maybe not. It’s true that some of the policies in our P&P are admittedly strange. It is alarming how many of them involve food, but then again, The Bandit lives in our house and he’s like a shark: he must constantly eat or he’ll die. I can’t wait until he’s a teenager.

So, what kind of wacky policies do you have? Please share, otherwise My Honey is going to have proof that our house is weirder than anyone else’s and I can’t take that. I have a delusion I hold very dear, one I cuddle with at night and nurture tenderly after I pull all the Nerf darts off my china cabinet and wipe up the spilled juice coating the top of my desk and double check The Bandit for underwear on the way to school.

“My family is normal. My family is normal.” It’s best said in the fetal position.