Bikram Yoga = Hell on Earth

According to Wikipedia, the definition of Bikram Yoga is a system of yoga that Bikram Choudhury synthesized from traditional hatha yoga techniques and popularized beginning in the early 1970s (Proof the 70s were stupid – my add in). Bikram’s classes run exactly 90 minutes and consist of a set series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. Bikram Yoga is ideally practiced in a room heated to 105°F with a humidity of 40%.

The real definition is a system of yoga practised by insane people (Ed) [also our crazy sister, Kelli – amylynn] who have nothing better to do for 90 excruciatingly hellish boiling minutes that feel like 90 hours in Death Valley except for the humidity.  Oddly, the three classes I’ve been forced to attend have been overly crowded.  I was certain the only people who would be in attendance were me, Ed and the yoga teacher – the teacher being there because she was being paid.  Not so.  Each class has had not less then 15 or so crazies.  I keep wondering how they found each other?  Is there a posting on Craig’s list that I don’t know about?  That would make sense because Ed does a lot of his shopping on there.

I’m going to tell you what happens in a 90 minute (read 90 hour) session so you don’t ever have to go.  You’re welcome, feel free to send me a gift of gratitude.

Unlike real yoga, you don’t need a yoga mat – you need a large beach towel.  I know that made you smile, what could go wrong if you need a beach towel, right?  Hold on to your left ankle with your right eyebrow (pose #27 in Bikram Yoga) because a lot is about to go wrong!  Really wrong.

The instructor tells you to stand on your towel with your feet together and your hands clasped together under your chin.  She says you are going to breath.  How hard can that be?  You breath all the time.  But no, you are going to flap and move your arms like a giant bellows, stoking a fire to weld metal.  The funny part is that it’s getting hot enough in the studio to actually perform blacksmith work.  Let me point out that you’ve only been at this for less then 5 minutes.

At this point, I found out you are not allowed to talk for the ENTIRE 90 hours.  You are especially not allowed to shout.  Shouting – “I’m going to kill you Ed.” is not tolerated.  Not at all.  15 people will turn and stare at you as if you actually did kill Ed right there in class.

Aside from the heat, the ridiculously impossible poses and the hostile non-namaste stares, you’ll notice that the instructor does none of the poses.  None.  She is just there to tell you what to do next and tell you to look at other people if you don’t know the moves yet.  My mind wandered and I wondered what would happen if all 15 people were brand new to this self-paid for torture.  Anarchy, that’s what would happen.  The air conditioning would go on and the beer would flow.

The entire classes progresses with you sweating like you’ve never sweat before, your sweat will sweat, trying to twist yourself like fusilli pasta into positions the human body is not meant to twist into and a mantra-like chant in your head (certainly not out loud) of – “Wait until we are in the parking lot Ed, you’re going to die, Wait until we are in the parking lot Ed, you’re going to die, Wait until we are in the parking lot Ed, you’re going to die.”

In the end, you lay on your soaking wet beach towel, praying for sudden death, crying real tears and hating every person on the planet because they were smart enough not to be in that room with you over the 900 hours.

Here’s one last tip: After class, never recommend that everyone go to the Village Inn restaurant next door for the world renowned delicious pie they serve.