I can barely keep the boy in his underwear. Jewelry is out of the question.

My father leaves the weirdest messages on my cell phone since his stroke a couple of years ago. In general, my brother and I have had some very bizarre conversations with him, My Brother more than me since he lives with my brother. Just today My Brother called to vent after a particularly exasperating exchange that denegrated into an argument about the new year’s calendar. I’m not going to try to relate the specifics of the debate to you here because I’m not sure I understand them. My brother certainly didn’t and my father definitely didn’t.

There was another mind numbing debate recently over the football playoff schedule. These conversations are so strange, sometimes my brother and I think he’s just messing with us.

So for the past week or so my dad has left three or more voice mails for me that simply said, “Thank you for not giving me a grandson in a dog collar.”

The first time, I just shrugged. The second time he did it, I squinted my eyes very hard at the phone, but that didn’t illuminate the issue for me. Every time I got the message I would call him back to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but he never answered.

Then the other night I was sitting on the couch supposedly writing on chapter seven and the following commerical came on.  I realized my father was not insane – just funny.

So now if someone can just explain to me what his issue is with the 2011 calendar, My Brother and I would be really grateful.