April 6

Who else thought this was the longest week ever? It’s like someone tried to shove two extra days in there or something. Every time we looked at the calendar, Friday was still four days away. The Sisters don’t approve of this unless it’s during a vacation or Amylynn’s birthday Mardi Gras celebration. Stop trying to pull things over on us, Universe. We don’t like it. We do, however, like these things.

1. Our guard. No, the Quill Sisters don’t have a body guard, although that might not be a totally off the wall thing to consider. The Bank of No Forks has a guard, we just work here. Since we’re here with the guard twelve days a week, we think of him as ours. We’ve had a bunch of different ones, many have smelled bad, or were needy, or were constant talkers. The list of their sins is long and annoying, believe us. Then along came Elio. We love him. He’s in his mid-sixties but that doesn’t bother us. He’s personable, funny and he taught our receptionist how to kill someone with her thumbs. He brings us donuts. We wanted to keep him forever. Don’t you know we discovered today he’s retiring on Friday. He was not interested in my suggestion that he come to work here without pay so the Social Security Administration wouldn’t find out. The only good thing is now there’s retirement cake.

2. Sex for burgers. We read a story in the newspaper about a woman in Florida who was arrested for prostitution when she agreed to have sex with an undercover officer for two double cheeseburgers off the McDonalds Dollar Menu and $40. The policeman bought them for her. Clearly the woman was starving. The story got me thinking that she seriously undervalued herself or WAY overvalued McDonalds. Think of the things she could have asked for instead, especially if she knew she was going to get them. There are some dinners I’d consider doing a night in jail for.

3. Revenge. A man in Iowa was arrested when it was proven via hidden security cameras that he was urinating on his co-workers chairs. The man worked in the Information Technology department. You know what that means, right? He’s the IT guy, the fixer of equipment. You know how we’ve all been frustrated with the help desk that isn’t any help? We’re surprised with the fact that people weren’t peeing in his chair. But let’s face it, there have been people you’ve worked with that deserved a good peeing on their chair and even more, if you know what we mean.

4. Funny husbands. Amylynn’s children touch everything. Everything. It’s ridiculous. No matter how many times they are instructed to leave things alone or how they are threatened, they still touch everything. Ava’s children are older and past that nonsense. Kelli’s only child is an angel and would never consider taking every single pair of scissors out into the back yard. So the children touched My Honey’s computer printer. They touched it in such a fashion as to make it unusable. My Honey has not figured out how to fix it yet, so any time he has homework he emails it to Amylynn and she prints it from the other side of the room. This was the email he sent on Tuesday. Hi. It’s me again. Can you please print this for me? If it wasn’t for your children, I wouldn’t have to keep asking you to do this. So really, this is your fault. Xoxoxox

5. Ava drove. It’s true. Errands had to be completed, lunch to be found and Ava drove. Her car – she’s named it Carly. With Amylynn in it. As a willing passenger. Amylynn will tell you that Ava stayed in the right hand lane the entire five miles to and from their destination, never venturing into another lane until the left turn was imminent. Amylynn casually mentioned this at one point, but then wisely refrained from giving any further advice. Everyone arrived safely, albeit later than they would have had there been a different pilot at the helm. Amylynn and Ava are traveling to Los Angeles this summer and they’re taking Ava’s car. Amylynn will be driving because she’d like to get there eventually. Ava seems on the brink of obsessed that Amylynn start driving Carly now so she’ll be used to her. Amylynn just shakes her head. She’s driven forks lifts and semi’s so she’s pretty sure she can handle a Cadillac.