Have you seen….

I’m going to Costco and I’m getting one of those really big safes. Inside I’m gonna keep the following things because there is NEVER any of these items in my house. I don’t know where they go. Well, that’s not true. I know where they go. My children take them and use them up and hide them in the yard or flat-out lose them.

1. Scissors. I have bought dozens of scissors and, right at this moment, I can’t possibly lay my hands on a pair in the house. Not one. The last time there was a round up, I found three pair in the back yard.

2. Scotch tape. Every Christmas I buy scads of tape on clearance. By Easter, it’s all gone. Gone to the great tape heaven in the sky, I assume, because there is none in the house. It could be because The Bandit has taped his face, the dog, giant pieces of wood, forts, every square inch of his room – well, basically anything slower than him.

3. Writing utensils. There is never a pen, pencil or marker when you want one. Unless you’re looking in the drier. It seems no matter how hard I search the pockets, crayons find their way into the dryer.

4. Remote controls. I believe at one time, pre-children, there were sixteen remotes. Now there is only one that doesn’t work right and it’s probably shoved down a couch cushion.

5. Cordless house phone. See #4. Do not call my house and expect to get an answer. We can hear it ringing but we’ll never find it in time. I suggested we train the bloodhound to find one but he seemed rather uninterested.

6. Flashlights. My children are obsessed with flashlights. It’s inexplicable. And if they don’t physically lose the flashlight, then they break them. We’re talking Maglights here, people. The ones the police use to clobber protesters with. You’d think a 8 & 6-year-old could live in the same house with one without it spontaneously combusting, but no, you’d be wrong.

 I’m buying the super big safe because I’m certain there are things I forgot in this list tonight. If you want, you can lease space in the locker if you have imps in your own house.