And you won’t have all those annoying calls asking you to volunteer anymore

Get this.

There is a very large financial institution in the news right now because they lost a gob smacking amount of money. Ava and I would like it noted that this doesn’t happen to be the financial institution which employs us, not that ours is any less frequently in the news, just not this particular time. We’d also like it noted that it’s nice to have the finger pointed at someone else for a change.

Anyway, this bank came up in the news again today. The New York Times is reporting that the bank is blaming the astronomical loss on Lyme Disease.

When I read the article I hooted out loud. I can’t believe what an incredibly brilliant excuse this is. Don’t you know that you can blame medical conditions for every bad thing that happens? Especially if you can get medical professionals to liken your condition to syphilis – a disease that no one wants to examine too closely should it’s taint effect you as well.

Syphilis and, now by association, Lyme Disease is a Get Out of Jail Free card. You can get away with anything.  Well not putting cats in an oven, per se. That’s just heinous. It does seem to work for the bank, however.

Apparently, the senior investor who’s taken much of the brunt of the blame has said she got the disease in 2010 and was too exhausted to know that, “her underlings were running amok and betting billions on bad investments.”

Holy Cow. I’m totally going to start using this. It’s even more effective if you whisper the name of the disease in hushed tones. **Cancer**. See, ominous isn’t it?

I’ve been using Legionnaires Disease as an excuse for years. It happens to be effective because no one knows what the hell it is, but it sounds awful. Typhoid still scares people. Chicken Pox, when called by its proper name, Varicella, sounds much worse. I might trot out Leprosy and see how that works next time I’m late for an appointment.

Mad Cow totally doesn’t work because it sounds funny.

“You see, I forgot to show up to the PTA meeting because I have,” stop for several beats and then whisper, “bubonic plague.”

I swear, it’ll work like a charm.

What is your best excuse? Do you use a disease or some other ridiculous reason? What is the worst thing your outrageous excuse got you out of?