Someone call the Vegas bookies

Did you know that there is such a thing as the International Cherry Pit Spitting Championship? Me neither, but why the hell not? There are contests for all kinds of crap we don’t know about. This particular contest is held annually in Michigan. Apparently there is a cherry-pitt-spitting dynasty in that only two different families have won the title in the last twenty years.

The Krause and Lessard families apparently have the competition sewn up. In fact this year there were three Krauses in the top five finishers. Brian “Young Gun” Krause was fifth, Rick “Pellet Gun” Krause was second and Matt Krause was third. I don’t know why Matt doesn’t get a nickname, but apparently he is not worthy. I kind of feel bad for Matt, but what do I know. Maybe he’s a complete ass.

Forget hockey, Now I’m all about the pit spitters. Not!

The thing that made this year’s competition über exciting was that a dark horse competitor entered the contest – and won. His name is conspicuously not Krause, or Lessard either for that matter. Ronn Matt entered the contest cause his wife told him to.

All smart men listen to their wives.

Mr. Matt (whom I’m assuming has no connection to the Matt with no nickname) won this year’s contest when he spit a pit 69 feet. SIXTY-NINE FEET! I thought that was pretty damn far until I read that the world record is held by “Young Gun” Krause with a pit spit of 93 feet. You realize that’s 1/3 of a football field, don’t you?

I have no intention of entering this contest, or of actually even attending the show. First of all, I can’t spit. Anytime I’ve ever tried to spit I’ve ended up getting crap all over my shirt. Second of all, I make it a point of avoiding places with a high volume of spit. That’s number seven in my book of policies.

The thing is though, I’m thinking of starting my own contest and I have a lock on the winner. Instead of spitting, what if the contest was for who can leave the most cherry pits around the house?  Special points for creativity. Places like shoved between couch cushions and in little piles in the corner of your bedroom or under pillow cases will earn lots of points. The real kicker will be if the competitor can get the judge to step on one at 2:30 in the morning on the way to pee.

The Bandit is totally going to own that contest.

What contest would you totally rock? How about your kids? If you created a stupid contest what would it be?