She’s going to turn me into an 8th grade volcano

The most tragic thing happened to me after I had my kids. Well, beyond the obvious tragedies that I’m sure all mothers have like zero privacy and a bunch of short people who hang all over you and touch all your stuff.

My particular tragedy is an allergy to alcohol. How much does that suck? A lot. It sucks a lot.

In all honesty, I don’t drink that much or that often and haven’t since it was actually legal for me to do so. Still, though, a glass of wine here or there, an ice-cold margarita, a bottle of hard pear cider would be lovely.

So what happens to me when I drink? Nothing like anaphylactic shock or anything that exciting. Instead, I turn red, bright red. Red like a tomato. Or a beet. Or a red bell pepper. And I sweat. I feel like I’m on fire from the inside. My ears and cheeks are hot to the touch and it spreads down my chest. It’s itchy and crazy uncomfortable.

And yet….. Sometimes a glass of sangria is just the thing.

My mother-in-law suggested I try Benadryl before I drank to see if that would temper the effect. I took one and had a drink and everyone stared at me like a freak. It didn’t help, instead I was just extra sleepy.

It drives Ava crazy that this happens to me. She investigated the entire thing on the internet and decided that it was either cancer or rosacea – you know how the internet is. She demanded that I discuss it with my doctor and get medicine. She demanded. Usually when my Sister demands I cave in just to shut her up, but not really on this. I mean, come on, its an alcohol allergy.  It’s not like I’m going to die without a daiquiri or something. I felt stupid wasting my doc’s time.

And then I went to Albuquerque again. When we went out to dinner with my uncle, I decided to have a glass of wine with my roast duck. I chose a lovely Malbec that would also go well with my chocolate dessert. I really love wine. This was the first time my uncle saw the effect of alcohol, but it wasn’t like I hadn’t warned him. I always warn people because the effect is really quite alarming. Ava immediately launched into her tirade, hoping to get Ken on her side. It totally worked. He stared at me in shock and declared that I should discuss it with my physician.

Great. Now Ava was really on a mission. Let the eye rolling commence.

I saw the doctor for unrelated stuff today. She adjusted my back – it was so ready it started popping the minute she walked into the room, and I wanted to discuss a really horrendous migraine event I had recently – another reason why I don’t drink very often.

Ava texted me no less that four times while I was at the doctor. Sigh.

When I brought it up, the doc basically agreed with Ava, but told me there really wasn’t much to do about it since, really, it’s alcohol and it’s hardly life threatening. I have to agree with her.

Nevertheless. the doctor suggested that I try some experiments and see if the amount of alcohol varies my reaction. I told this to Ava to shut her up since the doc had no pill to offer me.

That was a huge mistake. Now I’m Ava’s new science project.