The Scorpion King

Last night, I’m minding my own business, in my bathroom and for no reason what-so-ever I look in the master bath tub and see a giant freakin’ scorpion in it.  Two other things are going on at that moment, I’m brushing my teeth and my daughter has just come in the room because she likes to talk while I have a mouth full of toothpaste.

I start wildly gesturing at the tub for her to see the danger and she keeps looking at me instead of the tub.  Than the cat comes running in – right at the tub.

We live in the desert, for Zeus sake!  That scorpion was easily 90 lbs!!!!  All three of us were going to die!

Finally, the girl looks at the tub.  I was spewing spit and toothpaste all over shouting “Go get your father!”

She runs over to the top of the stairs and starts calling to him to save us. 

I kid you not; he takes forever – in scorpion death time – to climb the stairs.  He actually moved at a leisurely pace as if there was nothing wrong and there wasn’t a 90 LB EVIL SCORPION threatening his beloved wife and daughter.

“Oh my god, Ed!  Could you at least work up to a trot???”  I shrieked.

He, calmly and slowly, went to the tub. 

“That is what the entire ruckus is about?” He stupidly said.

Photo of Scorpion in my Bathroom

“Listen you; our marriage vows included the fact that you would kill all insects and snakes.  It may have not been specified but it was implied that you would do it in a timely fashion and without ridicule.”

This was said over my shoulder as I ran out of the bathroom to save myself . . . our marriage vows also included that in dangerous situations it’s every man for himself.