Je suis une belle américaine. S’il vous plaît me diriger à la boulangerie.

I’m really pissed that Ava went off to Paris on Saturday and left me here. Alone. Kelli is busy and I never get to see her, either. So I’m going to be left to my own devices.

You should expect trouble.

Understandably, Ava was really excited. Her crazy sister-in-law is concerned that there won’t be enough stuff in Paris to keep them occupied for 7 days. Clearly, that woman is insane. I could spend one whole day just sitting at a sidewalk cafe soaking up the French-ness of it all.

Ava was unconcerned that she wouldn’t be able to fill the days. Of course, she won’t go up the elevator of the Eiffel Tower. It’s that fear of elevators. I say, close your eyes and suck it up. But what am I talking about. I’m telling you that if I approached that elevator, no matter how much I wanted to go up to the top, if there was a spider in there I wouldn’t step one inch inside.  Nope. (Pas araignées dans le Tour Eiffel s’il vous plaît.)

I’m a supportive sister so I helpfully translated French phrases for her to learn. I suggested that she just record them from the Google translator lady into her phone so there would be no problem with her accent.

She had mapped out all the chocolatiers in Paris.  So I suggested, Je vais prendre tout le chocolat, s’il vous plaît.

She has plans for shopping on the famous Champs Elysees. I mapped out the Chanel location on Rue Cambon and the Hermes location on Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré. For those I helpfully translated this phrase: Où est la section de déminage? I personally think she should memorize that one. 

For her cruise on the Seine, I suggest: Y at-il des gilets de sauvetage à bord?

I’m certain they’ll have some wonderful dinners. She’s going to need: Nous allons avoir besoin de beaucoup plus de pain pour la table. A quelques dizaines de croissants devons le faire. Merci.

I know the Louvre is on the agenda. She’ll probably want: Monsieur, se déplacer sur. Je viens d’un gazillion miles pour voir la Joconde et, tandis que son béret est très élégant, je ne peux pas voir au-dessus.

Ava is going to Paris with her darling Ed for their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. But still, they are in Paris and she may see some ridiculously sexy French gentlemen and she may want to compliment said gentleman. If so: Eh bien, bonjour. Tu es très beau, charmant, et vous le faites à vos compatriotes fiers. Si ce vieil homme de la mienne n’était pas traîner nous avons pu profiter d’un croissant et un café. Comme il est, je vais profiter de vous regarder à pied.

I hope I’ve been helpful. I’m sure you can tell by my helpful hints, I just want her to have a wonderful time and not worry about me here. By myself. All alone.