September 28

Amylynn is an unhappy camper. That’s not true. If she was camping, then everyone would be unhappy. She’s just pissy. There’s a difference. Ava’s leaving for freaking France and Kelli is busy with her new stupid job that she really loves. For the next ten days Amylynn will only have you, dear internet, to keep her occupied. When she’s not occupied, disturbing things happen. Shenanigans are to be had. Let’s hope she’s too busy writing to find the opportunity to create much mischief. The Sisters still managed to find five things to amuse them. Next week, well, we’ll see how next week goes. Amylynn might change it to The Five Reasons Not to Set Fire to Stuff.

1. Extended Family. Remember last week when we were so excited to have found our long lost cousin living quite frugally in Carson City? Remember, he’d hidden $7,000,000 in gold bars around his house. More good news! We found some more cousins, this time in Norway. Yea! We love Norway. We love fjords and raspberry Danishes. And lederhosen. They wear lederhosen in Norway, right? Whatever they wear, we’re sure we love it. We’d happily tell you the name of our new cousins, only the AP wire service isn’t supplying it. They did divulge however that our cousins have won the lottery for the THIRD TIME. We’re quite certain that our new cousins are very generous and good hearted.
2. Dear Abby. Often times, while we’re reading the Dear Abby column, we are absolutely certain that these letters are made up. Take for instance the lady who wrote in to ask what should be done with all the baby teeth the tooth fairy has saved up. Like all tooth fairies, the Sisters have little boxes of chicklet sized teeth tucked away, so we perked up at the opportunity for an idea. Clearly Abby was messing with her readers when she suggested, “You could have them mounted and display them on a charm bracelet.” WHAT? Yeah, if you’re Joseph Mengele or Hannibal Lecter. How repulsive. Those teeth are adorable until you take a really good look at them. We don’t know about you, but we’re planning to sell them back to the original kid. Trying to recoup some of those candy and tuition losses. What we are 100% certain about is that baby teeth are NOT an item intended for crafting.
3. Penguins. Some good folks in South Africa just cleaned up a bunch of oil-covered penguins and turned them lose in the wild. That sounds like a great deal of fun, doesn’t it? Scrubbing wiggly penguins with dish soap. Our passports are in order. We’re outta here.
4. The general cluelessness of people.There is another advice column we enjoy, Office Coach by Marie McIntyre. Once again, there is a letter that just can’t be real. In the first one this week, the woman claims to have been written up by her manager for being compulsively tardy and complains that now she’s being monitored very closely. “I don’t think I
   

   Hi! Pleased to meet you.

   deserve to be treated this way just because I have poor time management skills.” Are you kidding us? Really? This letter, this one right here, is everything that’s wrong with this country today. The woman asks, “Is there anything I can do to improve the situation?” GET TO WORK ON TIME, YOU TARDY FREAK! We feel much better now.

5. Excited llamas. This story is ostensibly sad, but we’re twisted and we laughed anyway. We’re bad people. We know this. We’re also certain that something equally ridiculous will happen to us someday and we all give you permission to laugh when you read the obituary. A nice old lady died of a heart attack this week because her pet llama greeted her a bit too vigorously. Well, if you’ve got to die…We’re certain the llama feels horrible.