Bedtime with Bandit

It’s 1:41 in the morning.  I can’t sleep.  My shoulder is killing me and I’m waiting for the Vicodin to kick in.  I’m not holding out a lot of hope.  Besides, I can’t sleep with the dueling snores of My Honey and Roscoe.

Instead, I’ll relate to you a story of The Bandit.

Last night I was reading The Bandit a bedtime story of his choosing: Robin Hood from The Walt Disney Treasury.  It went like this:

Me:  Robin Hood lived with is Merry Men in Sherwood…

Bandit: What are Merry Men?

Me: Their Robin’s friends.  Like Chapman and Izick and Austin are your Merry Men.

Bandit: Oh.  Cool.

Me: Some people said he was a hero.  Others called him a bandit.

Bandit: What’s a bandit?

Me: Funny you should ask.  It means he did sneaky things – some things he shouldn’t do.

Bandit: Is he a bad guy?

Me: No.  Robin Hood is the hero.  Bandits don’t do bad things all the time.  (Something I’d do well to remember.)  …One Day Robin and his friend Little John…..

Bandit:  Is this Little John.  He doesn’t look very little.

Me: I know.  Weird, huh?  ….saw King Richard’s golden carriage pass by.  But the king was away at war…..

Bandit:  War?  What war?

Me: King Richard was in the Crusades.

Bandit: What’s the Crusades?

Me: (deep sigh)  It was a religious war.  Can we talk about that another time?  It’s a very long story and I’d like to find out what happens to Robin Hood.

Bandit: OK, read on.

Me. Thank you.  …Instead, it was the king’s wicked brother, Prince John, pretending to be king.

Bandit:  Oooooh, he’s going to get into trouble, huh?

Me: Probably. ………..Prince John had no hope of catching up with the thieves.  He had to watch helplessly, dressed only in his underwear….

Bandit: (squealing) HIS UNDERWEAR (hearty laughter)  Prince John is so stupid.  Why doesn’t he just put his clothes back on?

Me: Robin and Little John stole them, remember?

Bandit: (the laughter tapering off just a little bit) oh yeah.  Robin Hood is funny.

Our story carried on in this fashion until the end.  There was a constant stream of questions and comments.  I had to explain why Robin would want to kiss Maid Marion even though she’s a girl (gasp!), why Prince John keeps raising taxes (because he’s a meanie), what exactly Friar Tuck’s job is (no, he doesn’t fry food.  He works in the church), why the prison guards are birds (because this is a Disney story – see all the characters are animals.  I know birds aren’t very scary), why Mommy Bunny has so many little bunnies if she is so poor (I’m not getting into a conversation on birth control with you, Bandit.  It’s just the way it is). 

Finally I did conceed that maybe, just maybe, the moat below the castle could possibly, that it isn’t completely out of the scope of fiction, be filled with hot lava.

The Bandit has started referring to his little gang of friends as his Merry Men.  I’d like to make a formal apology to his preschool teacher now.  I’ll be waiting for your call.