NEW RELEASES
In Our Humble Opinion…a barbershop quartet needs to remake “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”
In Our Humble Opinion…your shoes should match. Having them on the right feet goes without saying.
Adventures at the zoo that do not involve bail money
We had my father here for the weekend starting Thursday afternoon. It was pretty uneventful which in and of itself is eventful. One thing that amused me, though, was when I picked him up at my brother’s house he was wearing a blue “house shoe” (read slipper) and a brown corduroy one.
“You have on different shoes,” I noted helpfully.
“I don’t give a shit.” That’s my dad.
Since he also had a matching pair of tennis shoes in his hand, I let it go. Pick your battles, that’s what I say.
On Friday, My Honey and I took him to lunch. I ran home from work to collect Pop because he didn’t want to run errands with my husband. When asked if he wanted to tag along to the accountants and the car dealer my dad replied, “F**k no, I don’t know those people.”
Again, that’s classic My Dad.
Yes - he's always like this
To go to lunch, though, I made him wear his matching tennis shoes. I also made him take them off and put them back on the right feet. I do have standards.
Now, some of you who don’t know my father or our relationship might think I’m making fun of him since the stroke, but I’m totally not. My dad has always been this way – cantankerous and difficult but also, funny and self-effacing. In fact, that might also
The brothers
describe everyone in my family.
On Sunday, we finally got to go to the zoo to see the newly arrived elephants. My Honey and I took my niece and my kids and left Pop at home with the TV and his Louis Lamour book. He was quite content.
I was so excited to see the elephants. They’re my favorite animal and I’ve been so looking forward to seeing the new herd complete with a one and a three-year old baby. The new Adventure Tanzania section of our zoo is really cool with interactive exhibits and a huge area for the elephants. The babies were adorable – as I new they would be, and I can’t wait to watch them grow up. I’d like it even better if I could figure out how to get that little boy away from his elephant mommy and into my back yard.
Just missing sister...She's not in my purse. What lion?
It was a great day at the zoo. I don’t know if it was because it’s spring and Alfred Lord Tennyson had it right when he said a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love or if it was because the weather was gorgeous, blue sky, mid 70s with a breeze. All the animals were busy doing stuff instead of sleeping in the shade.
All the lions were out, the triplets, mom and even dad. The babies have grown so much since we saw them last, but they’re still romping around and playing. Fortunately, they are behind very thick glass and like inch-thick wire or one of them would have come home with
me.
The giraffes were nibbley and the peacocks pranced around acting like a bunch of rock stars trying to impress the ladies. I never really considered stealing a full-grown giraffe – a baby, yes – but a full grown one would be a little dicey. Also, peacocks are mean, just so you 
know.
Our newly arrived polar bear, Snow – I didn’t name her, OBVIOUSLY. If I was naming a lady polar bear it would never be Snow for God’s sake. Maybe Bianca or Agnes but not Snow. It’s so derivative. Anyway, the boringly named Snow was rolling around in the grass, giving herself a good scratching. I had a white dog once, Hugh, and I adored him completely but having white fur around the house can be a pain in the ass. Besides, full-grown polar bears are vicious. Perhaps it’s because they have such crappy names. I know my name has never made me happy.
The jaguars were licking meatsicles and growling at each other and chuffing. They are sisters and it seems like every time we see them they’re having an issue with each other. I did think about snatchign a jaguar for a split second. I really dig
Here she's asking me about the continental breakfast at Casa de Bright
how you can see their spots underneath all the black. However, I’ve also seen that commercial with the “rescue panther” and I think it would be prudent to “rescue” a jaguar when it’s still a kitten.
But, it was the tigers who were the most fun. They have the male and female tigers separated because there is a planned mating coming soon and I guess they want to keep the romantic tension high. The female tiger was in the side of the enclosure with the pool and she was a bathing beauty. I love to watch tigers swim. It’s so incongruous that a cat would love flopping around in the pool so
I could have snatched one of these babies but I didn't want duck poop in my Coach purse
much, but she did. The male paced back and forth, watching her swim and grunting in frustration. Those big tigers are absolutely gorgeous however you can feel it in your gut when their eyes meet yours, even through inch thick glass. I got to cuddle one once that was only about six-months old and even then it got my juices flowing.
So – for now – I think the animals at the zoo are safe. Until those baby tigers are born. You know those kittens will love and adore me when I “adopt” them when they’re really young.
In Our Humble Opinion . . . there’s no reason to go to the zoo unless there’s at least a small chance that you might leave with a new “friend”.
In Our Humble Opinion . . . everyone has issues but ours come in a ten volume set with annual updates.
March 30
April Fool’s Day is coming. Prepare yourself. You should just all be happy you don’t live in the house with The Bandit. There may be nothing more unsettling than spending a whole day with a seven year old with wholesale permission to be a prankster. Expect mud in unexpected places, dog food in your breakfast, things in your bed. Boy, are we excited. These five things are not pranks. God’s truth. Enjoy.
- Hunger Games Barbie – Really. We couldn’t make this up. If we did, you wouldn’t believe us. You’d say to yourself, that’s just dumb. We agree. It is dumb. And totally impractical. Exactly how the hell is Katniss Barbie supposed to shoot a bow and arrow with any accuracy
with those boobs in the way? - Steven C. Schlozman.First of all, we love his name. Schlozman. Stretch out the “o”. Very satisfying isn’t it? Mr. Schlozman is actually Dr. Schlozman. He’s a Harvard psychiatrist and ZOMBIE expert. So at first you’re thinking, yeah – psychiatrists are always the crazy ones. He came upon the title innocently enough though. He’s been a zombie fan since childhood, but then he started contemplating why zombies have become so common in popular culture and why we found them so fascinating. Once he got past the clinical Jungian and Freudian nonsense, he started to have fun. He wrote a book “The Zombie Autopsies: Secret Notebooks from the Apocalypse” which is being made into a film by no other than George Romero – the grand daddy of zombie movies. Anyway the Sisters love anyone who buys
The boy has teeth now, Alicia
into crazy 100%, and Dr. Schlozman has done just that. He even went so far as to come up with the disease – ataxic neurodegenerative satiety deficiency syndrome (ANSD) to explain where zombies come from. Awesome.
- Wack-a-loon Celebrities. It has come to our attention that Alicia Silverstone feeds her 11 month old son, Bear Blu, by chewing up her food and feeding it to him like a baby bird. What the…. We’re fairly proud of the fact that we self-edited there, because that shit’s crazy. Not only has she saddled that child with the name Bear Blu but there’s that other thing, too. Is she not aware that a blender does that without the gross factor? If she doesn’t own a blender, then she could always get baby food at the store. It’s right there next to the pharmacy where she should be picking up her meds.
The one in the middle makes our stomach hurt
- No more hoochies. It is becoming more and more evident that our daughters are growing up. The Girl Who Lives at Ava’s House is 11, Sassy is 9, and Bean is 8. Before you know it they’ll be going to their very own proms. Well, after their dates run the daddy gauntlet. This growing up thing is disturbing because we can’t help but notice how many young ladies these days are not dressing like ladies. So much so, in fact, that schools everywhere are creating power point presentations with examples of unacceptable prom dresses. In the Journal article they showed a girl in a bad dress so low it showed her tattoo. Her tattoo! Dear God, we’re having heart palpitations. It does not matter that 2 out of 3 Quill Sisters have tattoo(s). Our daughters will do as we say, not as we do. We’re popping right over to
Alicia Silverstone’s pharmacy right after this. - Clever people. We’ve already told you how much we enjoy wasting time on Pinterest. The thing is some of those funny posts really stick with us and we quote them throughout the day. This week’s little bon mot had to do with The Walking Dead. For those of you who don’t watch this show, first of all, you’re totally missing out and, second of all, you’re going to have no idea why this is so funny. The crux of the matter is that there are zombies everywhere and no one seems to be able to keep an eye on this kid. They constantly tell him, “Go in the house, Carl” yet when the zombie shit hit’s the fan, Carl is AWOL. It drives all of us insane. Perhaps our dear Daryl should just shoot him with that cross bow and put us all out of our misery. Whatever does end up happening to Carl, this picture says it all and makes us laugh uproariously every single time we see it.
In Our Humble Opinion…Skydiving from space is the height of stupidity. See what we did there?
Fearless Felix
In Our Humble Opinion . . . baseball is played all wrong, if you hit the tiny ball with the really thin stick, you should be able to run to whichever base you want.
Or possibly spell check
First let me point out that the character flaw of mine I’m about to describe is a universal concept.
I think we all, as humans, enjoy finding things about other people that make you feel better about yourself.
The Germans even have a word for it: Schadenfreude. It means finding enjoyment from the troubles of others. While this doesn’t exactly describe my condition, it’s darn close.
The faithful among you know that I’m seeking to be published – I’m looking for the brass ring which we describe as New York although at this point, I have definitely broadened my definition. The climate in the publishing industry is bad. I might go so far as to describe it as Defcon 3 kind of bad.
It’s bad.
So while I tap away on my keyboard, writing more stories that my Sisters love and my agent loves and tons of editors in New York “love” but aren’t willing to risk their jobs to contact on, I do feel better about myself when I drop in to one of my favorite blogs, www.SlushPileHell.com.
In publishing, the slush pile is the huge pile of unsolicited manuscripts or queries asking for representation – although these days they are a virtual pile. The blogger at SlushPileHell is an agent who posts his most cringe worthy queries with snarky comments to go with them.
This was posted March 26th.
Hello, I am A Christian woman that recently has been lead by the Lord to write books for little childrens and teensagers. I beleive these are blessings from above and I am convinced the Lord will will lead me to the write agent/pupblisher/illustrator.
And then his response.
I’m no theologian, but I wonder if the Lord should first lead you to a dictionary.