NEW RELEASES
Meet Bambi. Her turn ons are warm coal braziers and steam engines
I was looking for pictures to post for the holidays – pretty Victorian pictures, and instead I found this.
Does anyone else think this is very weird?
Sure, all women stand around in their underwear with their hair done and evening jewelry draped over them reading books in front of open windows.
I guess what it comes down to is this: Men are weird and, mostly, porn is just odd no matter the era.
I wonder if she’s wearing shoes? I don’t suppose they had five inch lucite platform hooker shoes in 1850 did they? So what do you suppose the hooker version of 1850 shoes would be?
Maybe barefoot would be more salacious.
Oh look, now I’ve wasted twenty minutes contemplating Victorian porn.
Christmas was wonderful – now let’s take it all down.
Christmas was lovely – a very Bright-ish version of excess as usual. Now it’s December 26th and I want that damn tree down. It’s lovely but it’s so in the way. Does that make me Scroogish? I don’t know. I don’t care. The damn thing has to go.
Now Ava will take her tree and such down sometime in March. I don’t know how she can put up with it – but Ava really loves Christmas decorations. I’m telling you if our tree was still up in March, I’d set fire to the thing right there in the living room.
That’s the same way I feel about the outside lights, too. The neighbor lady across my street leaves hers up all damn year. I want to get drunk and shoot them out with a BB gun every time I see them in June and August. That is the only thing I can see that having a home owner’s association would be good for.
I hope Santa was good to you all. Santa was extraordinarily good to me. I got a iPhone 4S under the tree! Yippee. I’m still with Sprint – but we’ll see how much happier I am without that blasted Samsung piece of crap. I am enjoying playing with my new toy though. I keep asking Suri – the android assistant who lives in my phone – all kinds of stupid questions. She does all my Googling for me. It’s genius and glorious and I don’t know how I lived without her before nor will I want to go on alone if she should disappear.
I haven’t decided on an appropriate death for the old phone yet, but I’ll come up with something. If you have any suggestions don’t hesitate to share them. It’s really too bad the damn thing can’t bleed. That would be very satisfying.
Just so you don’t think everything was quiet over here, I’ll tell you that on Christmas morning Sassy was up at 2am and then 3am trying to get us to unwrap. At 4:30 I found her out watching television surrounded by wrapped presents. I made her go back to bed. At 7am I awoke to find my bed completely full. There was My Honey, of course, but also, Sassy and The Bandit, Roscoe and Winnie. I could hear the cat snoring under the bed. I wiggled down into the three square inches allotted to me in my own bed and figured I’d doze until the others started waking up. At 7:30 my Mom-in-law rang the doorbell. Lord only knows what time we’d have gotten up if she had not been invited to come watch the kids open. Can you imagine the glories of a Christmas morning that didn’t begin until 10am?
That will be my next year’s Christmas wish: Late mornings and then elves that come on the 26th and take it all down.
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas!
We hope everything is merry and bright.
Merry Christmas Eve
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.
The Sisters are hoping you’re all on the good list this year or that you were so bad and it was so worth it that you don’t care if you’re on the good list or not!
December 23
Tweee! Christmas is almost here! Santa is probably taking a last minute nap and the elves, no matter how jolly they are under normal circumstances, are nearing the end of their ropes and talking union like they do every December 23rd. Holy Yule Tide Cheer, an elf can only tolerate so much before they all start feeling a little Norma Rae. While we weren’t concerning ourselves with Elvish labor relations, we were chuckling over these five things.
1. Outstanding aliases. There were three gentlemen sentenced to prison this week (ho ho ho) for crimes that aren’t humorous in anyway. What was funny was one guy’s alias. The name his mother gave him at birth, Henry Oliver Ford, is a perfectly respectable, reasonable, and normal name. Henry sounds like a stand up fellow. I guess that’s why, in order to get any respect in the criminal underworld, he had to come up with an alias. Are you ready for what he chose? Steady yourself because once we tell you, we can’t take it back. His hand picked alias is “Cleothus Lefty Jackson”. We can’t make this stuff up. If Amylynn picked
We'd never stop doing this either if we had this dress
that name for a bad guy in her book, Ava and Kelli would never let her keep it. Why? Much too absurd.
2. Sparkly Christmas clothes. Tis the season for sequins. Except for Christmas and New Years Eve there are very few opportunities to wear glittery clothes. It’s a shame really, but still a gal has to have standards. Any other time of the year, with very few exceptions, the Sisters will make fun of sequined women. Hop on over to your favorite hoochie store and grab yourself some bugle beads. Oh what the hell, grab some gold lame while you’re at it. Throw caution to the wind.
3. Silly Christmas Carols. Under normal circumstances, Andrea Bocelli and the Muppets probably wouldn’t be paired together for anything. And how funny is the Bob Rivers song The 12 Pains of Christmas? “Rigging up these lights, indeed!” And anything by Straight No Chaser. You know what we never need to hear ever again though? Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer. We are prepared to run over her ourselves and then use Ava’s new pink gun to shoot the friggin reindeer. We understand reindeer meat makes excellent chili.
4. Hemispheric anomalies. Amylynn had a text conversation with an old friend this week that is still making her giggle. The whole thing began when he made threats regarding the liklihood that he would receive a Christmas card
It must happen because no one would photoshop this
with a polar bear and a penguin on it. Apparently, it upsets him greatly that people are so stupid as to put two animals together that would never, ever, not even during the apocalypse, meet each other in real life. It would seem that he has put a great deal of thought into this and it amused Amylynn to no end. There are several things she did not point out to her irate friend. The first being that he needs to get over it because if there is one thing the Sisters are 100% sure of is that people are remarkably stupid. And number two, THEY’RE TALKING PENGUINS! Is it alright if Santa meets the penguins? After all he lives on the North Pole with the polar bears and we don’t want anything happening with the space/time continuum.
5. Cookies. How could we slit out wrists when there are still Christmas cookies to eat? Beautiful, sprinkled, frosted bits of pastry goodness. Well, except for oatmeal raisin. We’re not willing to eat oatmeal raisin cookies no matter how you disguise them. It’s the raisins – just can’t do it. It’s a weird word for a weird little “food” item. Sure if you want to eat something that looks like a tick, go right ahead. You can have ours. We, however, will be eating the sugar ones, the cut out snowmen and the gooey chocolate chip ones. We’ve got a whole plate of the twisty, powdered sugar thingys with the fudgey dollop and a cup of coffee. Life is good.
Might need an alibi
My boy was nowhere near any golf courses, but honestly this does seem like something he’d do.
From the funny people over at www.criggo.com
They say karma’s a bitch…
This is not a delicate blog post. If you’re squeamish, then I urge you to look away. You have officially been warned.
I tell you this story because, honestly, I don’t think you all believe how completely circus-like my house is. Some of you think I am exaggerating. Other’s have accused me of lying. Whatever. The Sisters know the truth. They know because they’ve called my house and heard the chaos first hand. They know I hide in the bathroom to talk on the phone. My agent is always supposed to call me at work because it’s impossible to discuss anything of any importance over the phone at home.
It’s a lunatic asylum and, now that we’ve added the puppy, Winifred, who I am certain is half black Labrador and half dervish, we’ve only added to the feel of anarchy.
Last night we had left-over lasagna for dinner. When I’m finally convinced to make lasagna I always make a huge pan therefore there is always plenty left for days. Even after we finished dinner there was still 1/4 of a pan left. I got up to do the dishes, but Sassy stepped up and insisted that she would do them instead. I can only assume she was trying to bank points for some other horrible behavior sure to exhibit the next day.
I happily let her take over and wandered off to the office to write for a bit. 45 minutes later I went back to the kitchen and all the dishes were still on the table. I mentioned this to Sassy who said, “Yeah, I’m gonna get to it in a minute.” I wanted to give her every opportunity to sink her own boat or do the right thing so I back to the office I went.
Half hour later, Sassy wandered in with an empty lasagna pan. “Roscoe ate the lasagna,” she told me.
I didn’t answer, just looked at her with raised brows.
“I don’t want to tell Dad ’cause I don’t want Roscoe to die.”
I sent everyone to bed. I’d do the dishes later and think of a way to torture Sassy in the morning. I was busy trying to get The Bandit to bed, supervising teethbrushing and urination and such, when I heard the screaming from Sassy’s room.
Let’s make one thing really clear here. Sassy is a walking, talking, temper
tantrum throwing, text book example of Crying Wolf. She is also an Oscar worthy over reactor. Screaming from her room no longer even rouses a jog out of me, much less a panicked sprint. Besides, her father was in there and he could handle the disaster. Only it went on really long so I sighed and headed down the hall.
Roscoe was standing outside her bedroom door, head hung low, looking very hound doggish. In a magnificent example of stunning karmic retribution, Roscoe has vomited up the entire lasagna on her bed.
Holy crap – I could never, ever have come up with a more fitting punishment.
Sassy is loudly demanding that her bed be burned and a new one brought in immediately. She is stomping around the house having what I can only describe as a horror-struck nervous break-down.
My Honey is calmly divesting her bed of ick.
Don’t you know I start laughing which does not improve things.
Here is the mind boggling thing. I swear on a stack of Julia Quinn books that the vomit is still in EXACTLY THE SAME SHAPE IT WAS IN THE PAN. On her quilt is an “L” shaped slab of noodles, meat and cheese that, if you didn’t know better, you’d never suspect had recently been in the dog. Not even a tooth mark. Roscoe must have opened his gullet and swallowed it whole like a side show knife swallower.
And that, my friends, is why you should listen to your mother and do the dishes right away.
Christopher Hitchens 1949 – 2011
As most of you are probably aware by now, Christopher Hitchens passed away last week. Being one of my idols, it’s taken me this long to be able to even think about writing about him. You all know this is not a very serious blog, what with Amylynn being in charge and all, but the topic of Mr. Hitchens is very serious to me indeed.
Christopher Hitchens
I will miss his writing and debates terribly.
Many a mere mortal has walked away from a debate with him wondering what the hell just happened to them, and how in the world their agent could have thought debating Christopher Hitchens was a good idea. I never saw him lose a single debate.
I have spent years trying to obtain and read everything he has written. People who know me think that I first became aware of him when he published “God Is Not Great” in 2007. If you haven’t read it yet, you should. It’s a masterpiece for more then one reason. I originally ran across Mr. Hitchens due to our mutual dislike of Mother Theresa back in 1995. I started to read what he had to say because of the topic and was completly in love with his writing style, intelligence and wit by the end of the article. From that day forward, I would read anything he had written. He was such a brilliant scribe that you could not help but be consumed by his articles even when you didn’t agree with his opinion.
Maybe there is some fun to be had here after all – through the years, Amylynn has been very amused by the fact that I would have slept with him over a rock star or a movie star. Truthfully, that even amuses Ed.
Here’s one of his quotes on women – ‘Why are women, who have the whole male world at their mercy, not funny?” As a woman, I should have been insulted but my only thought was that he would eat those words once he met me and Amylynn. Sadly, now he’ll never know how wrong he was on such an important subject.
Physics = pastries
I had come to the conclusion that The Big Bang Theory was making me smarter.
If you’re not watching The Big Bang Theory, then you’re totally missing out on the funniest half-hour of television. My
Honey and I have been hooked since the get go and recently got Ava and her family addicted as well. TBS runs the reruns – sometimes as many as four or six episodes in a night.
If you don’t know the show, it centers around three physicists and a mechanical engineer – four smart guys. There is also a pretty neighbor across the hall. I know. Written that way, the show sounds derivative and sorta stupid. You’re going to have to trust me on this. It’s completely laugh out loud hysterical. The show has been nominated for a zillion awards and the actor who plays Sheldon Cooper has won two Emmys and a Golden Globe.
Back to my education. The characters on the show talk all the time about physics and various scientific concepts . It doesn’t matter if you understand it or not while you’re watching. In fact, you’re certainly not supposed to understand. That’s what makes it funny.
So I was reading the Wall Street Journal as I so often do during the course of my day at Bank of No Forks. It takes me several hours because I frequently read all the articles and I only get to do so while my computer is slowly doing mysterious computer stuff or when I’m on hold. I came across an interesting article called, “Physicists Close In on a Universal Puzzle” by Gautam Naik. It’s about work being done at the Large Hadron Collider run by CERN in Geneva.
I’ve read other articles about the Collider before, and I have a very rudimentary understanding of what the Collider was built to do. The first paragraph mentions the Higgs boson.
Hey, I’ve heard of the Higgs boson before, too. Scientists call it the God Particle. They even mentioned it on The Big Bang Theory. The characters once visited the Collider.
I kept reading. The next bit also mentioned stuff I’d heard on The Big Bang. This encouraged me to read on. I postulated that if I understood those last few paragraphs then I must be getting smarter.
The next paragraphs talked about “subatomic particles” and searching for “statistically significant ‘excesses'”. Then things got a little dicey. Soon they were discussing the likely mass of the Higgs boson being somewhere around 116 to 130 gigaelectronvolts or GeV.
science cupcakes
I blinked, but soldiered on. Pretty quickly I was lost in theory.
“Under this scenario, the Higgs field permeates the universe, and any particles that interact with it are given a mass through the Higgs boson. The more they interact, the heavier they become.”
Alright, now I’m thinking the Higgs boson is basically cupcakes and I’m a particle interacting with it.
More theory. More lost. All I’m really thinking about now is cupcakes.
By the end when the scientists mention ghost like particles called neutrinos traveling faster than light. Now wait a minute. I recall Einstein having something to say about this. Apparently this development is exciting because it “breaches the cosmic-speed limit.” I’d like to pretend that I saw that coming with my pathetically elementary understanding of E=MC2.
Yeah. The Big Bang isn’t making me smarter and now, thanks to physics, I want a cupcake.
Get your Guide Dog here
I received a notice in the mail, over the weekend, about my Health Flexible Spending Account. For those of you who don’t know, a Health Flexible Spending Account or FSA is an account that is funded pre-tax from your paycheck. Because of the pre-tax status, all funds in the account must be used by December 31st each year or you lose the money you put into it. We accidentally overfunded the account because we thought the braces being worn by the boy who lives at our house were going to cost more then they did. When does that ever happen? I’ll tell you when – NEVER. That kid has never cost less then we initially anticipated, ever. But I veer off topic.
$600.00
Anyway, needing lyposuction, I pulled the list of eligible health expenses and it turns out that it cannot be used for any type of cosmetic anything. Not even if you claim that lyposuction will dramatically improve your mental state. I have no idea how that’s fair.
So I moved on. You can use it for Lamaze classes (related to childbirth). I swear to god it says that – Amylynn and I laughed ourselves silly. Is Lamaze really good for anything other then childbirth? I guess it is. Go figure.
You can use it for an ambulance. Perfect! I called the ambulance company and asked them to provide one to drive me around until the end of the year. The ambulance lady seemed confused. She asked me if I knew what an ambulance was. Duh – it’s a vehicle. She said it was a vehicle for emergencies. I informed her this was an emergency – I am about to lose $600.00+ and I’m married to Ed. She called me crazy and hung up on me.
Before anyone asks – you cannot use it for medical marijuana.
The rest of the list wasn’t much better, but then the sun came out and I heard angels sing – you can use the account for a GUIDE DOG!!!! A dog! OMG! I’m getting a guide dog! If anyone needs guidance it’s me. I’m going to get a really cute guide dog, shiny coat, floppy ears, fun personality. I want one that guides me through life, like a friend. I went on line to find out how to get a guide dog. Surprisingly, it’s not so easy. First, you need to be blind or have some very serious medical condition for which you have visited a doctor. That right there is going to be an insurmountable issue – I don’t go to the doctor.
I need a Guide Doggy just like this one
I called the girl who lives at my house and asked her to go to the doctor with her serious medical conditions so we could get a guide dog. She said she didn’t have any serious medical conditions. I offered to Google some and call her back. She called me crazy and hung up on me.
Talking to the girl made me think about braces, the medical cost that got us into this predicament in the first place, and it dawned on me – the girl will need braces this coming year. Luckily, the orthodonist could see her today and we could make a down payment on her straight teeth.
Straight Teeth
Now we won’t lose $600.00+ but we also aren’t getting a guide dog. I’m going to need to work that out for next year in case this happens again.