Amylynn is fueling herself with Red Vines to write this while Ava screws around on Pinterest hoping a puppy will spontaneously burst from the screen like it was blessed by Zeus or something. The Sisters are having a lot of trouble with our hormones these days. It seems somehow that we can’t exactly explain our ovaries are producing canine hormones. The two of us are damn near desperate for a puppy. It’s kinda weird how that happens to us at the same time. To make it worse, we only egg each other on. We can guarantee, if we happen to be walking down the road and a puppy should trot by, that puppy will be ours. It could be any kind of puppy – short, tall, fat, skinny, hairy or not. You know, really, strictly speaking, it doesn’t even have to be a dog. Should a smallish bear wander onto our path, we’re happy to snatch it up and call it puppy for the rest of it’s ursine life. We’ve been using these things to distract us this week.

1. Huge ass diamond. Normally we wouldn’t use such crude language to describe something as sacred as a diamond, but once you catch an eyeful of this glorious rock you’re probably going to agree with our assessment. This stone was found in a diamond mine in Botswana. It weighed in at 1,111 carats – which sounds like good luck to us. There’s no value assessed to this rock yet. They need to see what the inclusions are and all the official lapidary stuff, but you can bet it’s going to be a huge ass price. Think of how many puppies we could get for the cost of that diamond! We could get ALL the puppies! And a few bears.

2. And then a blue one! Would you look at this? Holy moly, that thing is gorgeous. While this rock is no where near as ginormous as the one above, it’s blue. BLUE! It’s a petite 12.03 carats but don’t let that dissuade you from how valuable it is. It sold for a record $48 million dollars. It’s called the Blue Moon since finding “such a diamond is one in a blue moon”. One Chinese man bought this one and a pink, 16.08 carat diamond for the bargain price of $28.7 million – both for his daughter. He renamed them Blue Moon of Josephine and Sweet Josephine, because he said so. In 2009 he bought a different blue diamond for $9.5 million he renamed Star of Josephine. Guess who he gave that one to. We’d like you to know that his daughter is 7-years-old. We don’t think our parents even loved us.

3. Running amok! Zebras escaped and ran through the streets of Philadelphia. It’s unclear if they escaped from the zoo or the circus but either way, that’s pretty exciting. After they were caught the Philadelphia police tweeted: Zebras in custody. They’re already sporting old-timey prisoner getups ahead of trial and sentencing. Have faith, fellas. Ha! We love it when the authorities have a sense of humor. We’d like to know why nothing this exciting ever happens to us. We’ve contemplated this long

This is the best mailbox EVER – worth every penny of whatever it costs.

and hard, and we think we might have found a flaw in our life plans. You know how we don’t like to go outside? Well, it seems a lot of this animal stuff happens outside. Who’d have known? We may have some reevaluating to do.

4. Diamond encrusted perhaps? Some fella in Palm Beach, Florida has been arrested after he was driving drunk and crashed into Rod Stewart’s mailbox. All of that is sorta ho hum on the comedy scale. Drunk driving isn’t funny. Rod Stewart’s not especially gut splitting either. Wait, we’re going somewhere with this. The damage to the mailbox is estimated at $500. What the hell is that mailbox made of? Stardust? Unicorn bones? We’re going to funnel our entire retirement plan into the mailbox wholesale market it this is the markup.

5. The Quill Brother. Meet Wesley. He works in our office. He literally shares Ava’s office – One office, two desks. He thinks we’re very funny, but that we use too many words to say things. We’ve heard this before from other people, but we just suspect they’re all jealous. Don’t believe him. Wesley is plenty funny all on his own. He also refuses to go camping. Nasty lakes are not for him. He disapproves of bugs and dirt on an elemental level. When his wife and child tried to convince him to go with them last weekend, he refused. He tried to convince them not to go either, but they gave him looks of pity and left him at home. (Poor Wesley – not!) He would like you to know that they came home early because it rained on them all night and it was COLD. THAT’S exactly why none of the Siblings go camping.

Does anyone else see a major problem with this table topper? Read it closely.

What the hell is  that nonsense on Friday? I want to make it clear that the Sisters stance on pancakes is that multigrain pancakes are communist. We are willing to concede that there are some people – people who are wrong – who like multigrain, but it’s criminal to have them as the Friday special.

Everyone knows that. Everyone.

Friday is Oreo Crème Pancakes.

Maybe they’re Pineapple Upside Down Pancakes.

All we know for certain is that, if you absolutely, positively must have multigrain pancakes, then they are a Monday cake. Monday – when you’re back on the wagon from all the wickedness of the Banana Cream Pie Pancakes on Saturday and the Lemon Curd Pancakes on Sunday.

No one should expect their pancakes should be healthy. If you’re going to eat the pancakes, commit to it fully. Your soul will be all the happier for it.

Love this video. If you haven’t seen it yet, here you go. Adorable.

You know the sentiment: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. We guess that’s true if you get up to shenanigans while you’re there. The Sisters, not so much. As you may know, mostly what we do when we’re together is annoy people with our questions and demands. Just because we’re in Las Vegas won’t change that. In fact, it’s probably exponentially worse the further we are from home. We stayed at the MGM Grand while we were there this time. Our rooms were in the West Wing. It was not presidential. What it was was far. The hallway to get there was about 75 miles long and can best be described as Alice in Wonderland-esque. Ultimately the rooms were cute, European in design and very stylish. They were just really, really far. That gave us plenty of time to review the funny things. Here we go.

1. Las Vegas. This is what we know for sure — Las Vegas at 45 and 50 is considerably different than at 25. Also, it’s really loud. We also believe they have the worst freeway in the county. The road was so awful as to feel like a roller coaster. What we will say for sure is that all the weirdest people are there and every one of them is drunk. And wearing ill-advised clothes. But there’s also fruity drinks and the opportunity to give strangers all your money. Also, as we mentioned above, we’re pretty sure the laws of physics don’t exist in Nevada. Everything seems like it’s just down the street. For goodness sake you can see the sign as plain as day, but as you start the trek pretty soon it turns in the desert version of the Trail of Tears. You say things like, “I’m going to need to have my feet amputated if we ever get back” without irony. On the other hand, you can eat every single dessert at the buffet because you walked 97 miles that day. It all works out in the end.

2. Ka. We saw the Cirque de Soleil show and it was amazing. We all really loved it, but we struggled to stay awake. The theater was dark, and warm, and often the music was soft. Still, it was visually stunning. The stunts were insane and when we were awake we had some genuine concern for some of their safety – swinging on wires and jumping rope on rotating disc hundreds of feet in the air. Many times we’ve thought our two youngest kids were going to end up in the circus and, we’ve decided if that’s a Cirque de Soleil circus, that would be alright. We wouldn’t be at all embarrassed to tell people what they did.

3. Breaking rules. This fellow was an usher at Ka. He told our section often and very loudly that cameras were not allowed. “You may not take pictures,” he bellowed with the conviction of a person with very little power. You can see why that might be a problem for us. We’re not good with rules. Or bossy people. Or bossy rules.

4. Twizzler Liberty. One thing that Las Vegas has a lot of is theme stores. We went to both the M&M store and the Hershey store which is located in New York, New York. We don’t know why the Hershey store is in that particular casino since Hershey is made in its very own town in Pennsylvania. We could only assume it was because NY, NY is closer to Pennsylvania than say Monte Carlo. Whatever. Sometimes we over-think things like this. Anyway, we present to you the Statue of Liberty made out of Twizzlers. As far as Amylynn is concerned, that’s the best possible use for Twizzlers because eating them is wrong. Ava disagrees.

5. The new fountain. The Bellagio has a famous water show. They play music and spray jets of water hundreds of feet in the air all with a coordinated light show. You’ve all seen it famously in Ocean’s Eleven. Imagine how delighted we were when the music was no longer something sappy and melodramatic by Celine Dion. No, indeed, Black Sabbath’s I am Ironman blasted out the speakers. The finale was wholly unexpected and beyond thrilling. The crowd was really pumped up from the music, but we all went completely berserk when the Kraken rose up out of the Bellagio lake. He wrapped his tentacles around the tram going to Caesar’s Palace and pulled it right back into his depths. Bravo, Las Vegas. Bravo.

Things started out lovely today. My Honey and I were married fifteen years ago today. Veteran’s Day just happened to be the day the venue we wanted was available. Also convenient was that we were married in 2000 so the number of years we’ve been married is always whatever year it is. How easy is that to remember. 11/11/00 – nice, eh?

So I was in a great mood – we’re going to Las Vegas on Friday with Ava and Ed. I received a lovely diamond necklace. I gave him a very nice watch. Things were lovely.

Quick rewind to that week in September when I received notification that I got caught running a red light and one of those damn cameras caught it. I decided I’d wait and see if they ever served me. If they don’t actually serve you the ticket, then you get off.

Fast forward to 11 o’clock today. I was at work when I got a call from My Honey. He was home with the kids because some people get to be closed on Veteran’s Day.

“Hey, guess what,” he said.

“What?”

“I just got served your red-light ticket.”

“WHAT!!!” I’m sure that came out a cross between a shriek and a groan. I know it sounds impossible, but it naturally occurs in nature–my nature. “How did this happen?”

“Don’t yell at me.” He barked into the phone. “The doorbell was ringing. The dogs were barking. There was a lady outside. It was instinct. She handed me papers and I took them.”

“OH. MY. GOD, Mr. Bright! What’s wrong with you? We don’t take papers from strangers! Why would you even answer the door? WHHHHHYYYYYYY?” Someone walked by my office and paused to watch me bang my head on my desk. “Why are you talking to strangers, Mr. Bright?”

He wasn’t havin’ it. “Hey, don’t blame me. This isn’t my ticket.”

“AAAaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggggg!”

Honestly, I don’t know what kind of example he’s setting for our kids, taking paper from strangers. Jeez.

This is seriously brilliant. I’m always aghast at what sheepdogs are capable of. We’re betting this whole idea was thought up in a pub and several rounds of pints were involved.

Also, don’t you wonder what the hell the sheep think is going on here?

The Bright family was at the Costco this weekend. Our bank balance was too high and we needed to donate a couple hundred dollars. We wound our way through the aisles, checking out everything they have with an eye out for potential Christmas presents.

Dishes. Cool exterior lights. Oooh, nice luggage. Wow, look at those headphones!

Eventually we got to the tools.

“Hey,” I said, running my hand down an aluminum ladder, “Ava and I need a couple of those ladders with the hooks on the end.”

“Why?” My Honey asked. He immediately held up his hands. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“Where do they sell those?” I asked.

Sassy joined our conversation. “What?”

This is probably also a good option

My Honey shook his head and looked away. “Nothing,” her father said and propelled my daughter down the aisle.

“I want to know,” she insisted. “Why does Mommy need a ladder?”

I caught up with them. “Actually, I need two.”

“Two what?” The Bandit chimed in.

I spread my arms really far apart to suggest a great height. “They need to extend really high.”

“Oh my God,” My Honey shook his head vigorously. “Stop talking.”

“Talking about what?” both my kids asked, getting louder.

I shook my head. “Daddy’s right. Plausible deniability is your friend. Don’t worry. I’ll check Amazon.”

Halloween is over. Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching. Christmas is peeking around the corner; its imminent. It seems so cliché to ask, “Where has the year gone?” but we keep saying it anyway. Honestly, we have no idea. Just last week it was Valentine’s Day. The thing that alarms us more than the fact that Christmas is almost here and that the year has gotten really far away from us and we didn’t get the books written that we expected to. We’d like to say that we’re going to write like the wind this month in honor of National Novel Writing Month, but we all know that’s not true. Maybe our New Year’s Resolution should be to stop lying to ourselves–but we know that’s a lie, too. Anyway, that’s what’s happening over here. We’re

Here’s Amylynn and Ava if we were manatees. See they’re talking shit right now.

right on track for our nervous breakdowns. How’s stuff in your neck of the woods? Here’s some funny stuff that will make you forget the missed deadlines and ill-advised commitments you got yourself involved with.

1. Floating cows. There are so many jokes here, and not one of them is original. This is Manatee Awareness Month. When Amylynn told Ava about this, she got all shriek-y and flapped her arms around. “What do we care?” she asked in a volume that’s not welcome at Starbucks. “We hate humanity! Haven’t you been paying attention at all?” She calmed down considerably when Amylynn pronounced M A N A T E E really slowly and deliberately. “Oh,” Ava said and dabbed at the spilled coffee. “We like manatees.” Everyone likes manatees. They’re round and slow and eat lettuce so we don’t have to. They convince us that we don’t look nearly as bad in a swimming suit as they do, although we don’t appreciate it when the

No chicken. No plan.

National Geographic people show up at the hotel pool and inquire as to where the manatees are. We kid! Sorta. We also feel like manatees are appreciative of self-deprecating humor and they’d laugh at our jokes.

2. Woman without a plan. You probably all saw the news story about the woman in Omaha who snuck into the closed zoo and got her arm chomped when she tried to pet a tiger. We’ll bet you all read that story and said to yourselves, “What the hell is wrong with people?” That’s not what the Sisters thought at all. You probably read further in the article and saw, “suspect that drugs and alcohol were involved” and thought DUH, obviously! Want to know what the Sisters thought? We wanted to know if she’d brought a chicken with her. Our plans always involve offering the giant kitty a chicken. We’ve thought this through long and hard and we have several plans. One might involve us climbing over that wall several nights in a row, each time with a Costco chicken. By the fourth night that kitty is going to be waiting on us and he’s gonna say, Hey! It’s the chicken ladies. I LOVE the chicken ladies! That, our friends, is how you get to pet a tiger. We have a special code. “Don’t ask any questions. Come to my house and stop at the Costco.” Things are gonna happen!

3. We already have front teeth. What we don’t have is this trunk. The annual Neiman Marcus Fantasy Gifts catalogue came out just in time for Christmas. Most of it we’re not interested in. We don’t like to go outside, so we’re certainly not going to pay $90,000 to go up in that crazy balloon to the edge of the atmosphere. Also, we’re pretty sure it’s cold up there. What we do want is that glorious trunk full of spectacular jewelry inspired by Iris Apfel. This is an amazing fantasy gift we didn’t even know we needed until we saw it. It’s worth every penny of the $80,000 they want for it. We had a brainstorm the other day about how to make our fortunes. We’re going to become printers. You know, people who sit around all day and print stuff. It’s going to work out. We have a business plan. There’s a line item in the budget for bulk chickens and now we’ve added this trunk. Things are going to work out for us. You’ll see. Maybe we’ll let you pet our tiger.

4. And this is where we’re going to live. Check this out. This is the most expensive hotel suite in America. For the paltry sum of $75,000 a night you can stay in the penthouse suite in The Mark Hotel in Manhattan. It’s 12,000 square feet takes up the two top floors with 5 bedrooms, four fireplaces, 6 bathrooms, 2 powder rooms, and two wet bars. They don’t want you to get bored while you’re there so there is a conservatory, library lounge, and a dining room that can hold a dinner party of 24. About that dinner party…the restaurant chef has put together an exclusive menu for the suite besides the regular 24 hour room service. Also,

If he looks like this from the front…

unlimited access to the fleet of bicycles (um…no), pedicabs (maybe) and en suite chauffeur service (now you’re talkin’!). We’re also betting there’s plenty of staff at The Mark willing to turn a blind eye to a tiger in your room when you’re paying $75,000 a night. Call room service for another chicken!

5. Bond, James Bond.The Sisters have already seen the new James Bond movie because DANIEL CRAIG. Although, Daniel is a bit older than Jared and Tom, he is still hot.  There’s a scene in which he’s wearing a pair of jeans and, oh dear, all of the woman in the audience gasped in unison. All of the men in the audience stared at their dates. One man clearly asked, “Why are the women gasping?” Why indeed. Go see the movie this weekend and report back here if you found those jeans to be gasp worthy.  We do think you’ll agree.

Here is a picture of the Eyeball Cupcakes. We didn’t have a picture to post with yesterday’s blog.

You can see how wildly successful they were!

I have admitted here before to having some slight OCD tendencies.  I’m also a perfectionist.  At times, those two issues are kind of hard to deal with together.  For example, take baking cookies and cupcakes.  A normal person thinks – What fun! I’ll even get the kids who live at my house to help! I never think that. I think about making them perfect.  Of course, they never turn out perfect.  They’re baked goods for goodness sake and I don’t work in a bakery and don’t get a lot of practice. That undeniable fact never stops me from trying to make them perfect.

I spent most nights last week making cookies and cupcakes for Amy’s Halloween party. Amy and the other guests don’t expect perfection, they just want yummy treats. But that still doesn’t preclude me from overworking everything and stressing myself out.

This year I decided to make cupcakes with eyeballs all over the frosting.  I saw a picture of this on that evil site Pinterest. Plus, I could use them on the cookies.  Win Win! One evening, I patiently made 572 eyeballs.  The girl who lives at my house felt this made me a potential serial killer. She believes anyone crazy enough to make that many tiny eyes has deep seated issues.  She sat with me as I placed 572 black nonpareils onto 572 white royal frosting dots with a tweezers and keep saying “Yup, I’ll bet there are people buried in our yard.”

I informed her there were no people buried in our yard because if I was a serial killer I’d burn the bodies because I’m from Jersey. That shut her up.  For about 5 seconds. “Can I help decorate the cookies?” She didn’t really want to help. It’s a game we play. She pretends she wants to help until I give her the exact instructions of exactly how I want something done. Then she says “You’re nuts.” And she goes to do something else.

Ed shows up minutes later. “Did you just make all of those minuscule eyeballs with tweezers?  Are you a serial killer?” HaHaHa Ed.

All of this was worthwhile because at the party, I watched the Bandit eat all off the eyeballs off the top of a cupcake and leave the rest.  I love that kid and I’d even let him help me make cookies with no instructions.