Today is one of the Sister’s birthdays. You can probably surmise from the fact that you haven’t already heard about this repeatedly as the date approached that it’s Ava’s birthday and not Amylynn’s. Ava handles birthdays like an adult – quietly and with dignity – as opposed to her sister who believes birthdays should be announced well in advance and repeatedly in order to maximize the amount of attention one gets on her “special day”. Regardless of this difference in philosophy, it is Ava’s birthday and something should be done. Let’s pause here and sing because everyone loves it when that happens in a restaurant, right? When all those off-key and psychotically enthusiastic waiters clap like maniacs and sing some ridiculous branded version of the song. Bliss! So set down your cup of coffee or Jack Daniels and warm up your pipes. Ready… Go! (Pause for effect) Well that was just lovely. You deserve some silly stuff as a reward.

1. Vampire Diaries. We’ve mentioned this show before – twice as a matter of fact – back in October and November of 2013. At that time, Ava and The-girl-who-lives-at-her-house had just started watching it and they were very gushy over Ian Somerhalder, et al. Now Amylynn and Sassy have started watching and the gushing hasn’t lessened. The reason we’re bringing it up again is because Amylynn has been blown away by the excellent story telling techniques employed on the show. The characters are complex and literally every single break ends with a cliff hanger. Getting a writing lesson has never been so painless and sexy. If anyone gives you a hard time about watching it, give them a haughty stare down and tell them you’re watching it for the articles – IF you know what we mean. **wink wink**

2. Hope they weren’t the snapping kind. A Canadian man was caught trying to smuggle turtles into Canada. We think. The whole smuggling operation seems a bit unclear, but it looks like he buys the turtles on line, picks them up in the US and then gets them somehow to China through Ontario. This time he was trying to get 1,000 of them across the border in Michigan by taping them to his body. It seems the authorities were on to him. They observed him under surveillance pick up a box from UPS, disappear behind some trucks, then emerge with “irregularly shaped bulges” under his sweat pants. We suspect he’s going to use that phrase to bolster his reputation in prison. The Canadian’s stopped him at the border and found 51 turtles taped to his legs.  Apparently he regularly deals in turtle shipments valuing $125,000. Who knew. Seriously. The Sisters have been looking for a new line of work. We’re going to do some test runs with Scotch tape and Swedish Fish. We already have “irregularly shaped bulges”.

3. 16 Personalities. We’re crazy but not that certifiable. We’ve both taken the 16 Personality Quiz and it’s remarkably accurate – if  you can answer the questions truthfully and not the way you think you should answer. Turns out Amylynn is a comedian with a desire to be the center of attention (we already knew that – she’s a Leo for Zeus’s sake) and Ava is bossy. OK, the results aren’t actually that simplistic, but by and large we were both amazed at how much we were pegged. Follow the link. Find out who you are, or at least the internet thinks you are. We personally think you’re wonderful.

4. Purloined rings. Amylynn bought Ava a sea shell ring for her birthday. Amylynn knew it was exactly what Ava wanted because every time she hers, Ava tried to steal it. Somehow it would magically disappear from Amy’s right hand and find its way to Ava’s. It was mystical. Either that or she’s been practicing hypnosis. It was a very pretty ring made from a sea shell. It cost all of $8 in a cute little shop in San Diego, but Ava has an affinity for cool jewelry. It took some time, but Amylynn found one on Etsy and got it in time for her birthday. When August comes around, Amylynn’s going to start stealing Ava’s diamond and we’ll see how that works out. Cross your crossables.

5. Chinese Food for your birthday. That’s what Ava wanted and that’s what she got. Ava’s on a constant quest for the perfect eggroll. It’s a hobby that can be frustrating, but the taste tests are a worthy venture. On this evening, the eggrolls were fine, just fine, but nothing special. The cherry beef on the other hand was fabulous. There was one thing that might have ruined the whole atmosphere – all the Hispanic employees. Which is pretty funny, really.  Egg Foo Enchilada is a cheap joke, but we’re doing to make it anyway.

Oh silly cat! There is no way any of our pampered kitties are playing in the snow. Forget it.

We went out to dinner tonight because My Honey  was too tired to cook dinner and I’m incompetent. I wasn’t necessarily keen about going outside after I got home. It’s cold outside and I don’t like it. Still… I put on my leather coat and wrapped a scarf around my neck and away we went.

These could easily be confused, yeah?

The hostess seated us at a booth. I took off my jacket and sat on it, but left my scarf wrapped around my throat. It’s cold I’m telling you. Also, it’s a favorite scarf. It’s knitted and warm and it makes me happy.

I was nibbling my salad when one of the waiters came over with a big grin on his face. He pointed at my scarf, “Let me guess, University of Southern California.”

I’m certain he was excited to talk about his alma mater or maybe where he sends his kids. I sincerely doubt he sends his kids to this school.

Still, my scarf is indeed burgundy and gold. “Nope, I flipped the bottom of the scarf over. Actually, it’s Gryffindor.”

My Honey spit his soda. What can I say, I’m a big supporter of their Quidditch team.

Remember how I told you the Bandit’s 5th grade class was participating in NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month? Well, they were. They were expected to write 10,000 words during the month of November. I thought that was a serious amount of words to expect from 10-year-olds, but I was gung ho. I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo every year and I’ve never completed it once. Never even gotten close. The adult version is 50,000 words. It’s really, really hard to do if you have a full time job and a family and requirements of sleep. I’m in awe of people who pull it off. I’m just not the kind of writer who can write words just for the sake of words. My brain pushes against the NaNoWriMo philosophy. My first drafts are pretty damn clean. I labor over every sentence.

I was trying to be über supportive of my boy. When he needed to play some catch up, I took him to Starbucks a couple of times. I figured I’d show him how the real writers do it, so he got a Frappuccino and I got a latte and we wrote for hours. It was good for me as well. Of course I’m behind in my word count too so this was hardly a hardship.

His assignment is due tomorrow, December 1st in line with the end of the National competition. He’s been behind even though he did write over the long weekend. As you writers know, it’s hard to do when there’s so much family stuff going on.

This afternoon when school let out, I called him. “You prepared to write like the wind tonight?”

“Yep,” he said. “That’s the plan. I’m going to write eighteen pages today.” He was full of confidence. Eighteen pages — no big deal.

“Wow,” I said, trying to control the skepticism in my voice. “That’s really…industrious of you.”

“Yep. Gotta go.”

I hit end on my phone and stared at it. I’d never written eighteen pages in one day in my life. Ever. That’s some serious writing right there, my friends. I went down the hall and told Ava his plan and then we laughed and laughed – not because we didn’t want him to succeed, but wow that’s a naïve goal.

When I got home from work, he was busy. Before dinner, he was in full concentration mode. After dinner, he continued to write away. We let him stay up a little late because he was really cranking out pages.

I shit you not – that boy wrote 12 pages today. TWELVE! That’s outrageous. I’m seriously proud of him. Stop yourself if you think he shouldn’t be so far behind at the end. I know hardly any writers who don’t have a major push the last several days before their book is due. Obviously, I’d like him to take this as a learning experience and not wait to the last minute to do the bulk of an assignment, but I don’t hold out a lot of hope. I’m a person who talks like I’m going to work at a nice steady pace, but until there’s a deadline looming then OHMYGODINEEDTOFINISHTHIS!!

He set his alarm clock for early the next morning and plans to add a few more pages by the start of school. I have every faith he’s going to pull this off.

The Sisters want to bring up one of their pet peeves. For several years now it has been a trend in magazines to not tell you the price of anything – instead they print “price upon request”.

Who is that for?  Either you can afford and would be willing to buy said item or you’re not.  Who are they fooling? If you see a Piaget ring in a magazine covered in diamonds and sapphires with a hidden chamber containing even more diamonds it doesn’t matter if they print the price instead of the ridiculous “price upon request”.  You can’t afford it no matter what price they put next to it – it’s covered in diamonds and sapphires for criminy sake.

Perhaps they think if you request the price they have a shot at talking you into it?  (read the following with a french accent) “Oh – you need the price of the 1lb of diamond encrusted ring in Vogue this month?  It starts at 75K.  What address can we send it to? Once it arrives you’ll have to pay for it – sell a kidney if you have to, after all, you called to ask the price and now it’s all yours.”

When they tell you the price, should you argue with them? Well, if it had been 74K you would have had yourself a deal right there but 75K is beyond my means.  I’m sorry to have wasted your time.  I have an idea – print the god damn price

Galaxy Quest – Don’t worry – the Sisters aren’t even remotely interested in doing this.

next time so I don’t have to call you.

Half the fun of looking at these items is knowing you aren’t ever going to own any of it. Instead you can have fun day dreaming over them.  As soon as the Sisters save up 250K they are totally going on that “Galaxy Quest” in Marie Claire this month.  The absolutely absurd part of this item is that it’s in the Neiman Marcus Christmas CATALOG – with prices and such because it’s a CATALOG. Note to Marie Claire – if the item is in an easily accessible catalog just climb right out there on a limb and print the price.  Thank the lords we went on line and looked so we know how much to pull together.

They even put it next to stuff that isn’t crazy expensive like a pair of shoes.  This is true – they put it next to a pair of Prada pumps that only cost $1000.00. I know, I know – we’re not going to spend a thousand dollars on a pair of shoes because one of us is married to Ed but let’s say they were the most beautiful shoes you’d ever seen and you had to have them. You might actually save up and buy them.  But – when they put that stupid “price upon request” next to them you’re imagination goes wild. You think – holy batman! Those shoes must be thousands and thousands of dollars or they’d share the god damn price with you.

So here’s a thought to all of the magazine editors in the world – print the price.  We’ll decide if we’re buying or not.

We almost forgot it was Friday. We could have sworn that it was Sunday. Imagine how thrilled we were when we realized we have two whole more days to go before we have to return back to work. There was giddiness and glee. We hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, if you celebrate that sort of thing. If not, we hope at least you weren’t hungry. The Bandit ate 1/2 of chocolate pie after everyone else went to bed. We’re genuinely concerned that if he continues to eat like he does when he’s only 10, that we won’t be able to afford to feed him as a teenager. Anyway, here’s some funny stuff that sustained us this week. In the spirit of sharing…

1. The Barefoot Bandit. Colton Harris-Moore has been in prison for quite sometime now. We don’t really have an opinion on his crimes. We do however like the idea that 20th Century Fox has, in exchange for the rights to his story, paid more than $1 million dollars towards his court ordered restitution. We do like the idea of Hollywood paying for fines. We are very carefully planning our caper, but if we should get caught and the court doesn’t believe our What?-Who-Us? plea, we’d very much like for Hollywood to pay our fines. Dear Hollywood, The Sisters are very interesting. We promise. We appreciate your consideration. Sincerely.

2. Brussels is funny. You’ve probably heard all of this on the internet already, but we love this story. Brussels was on lockdown for an extended period of time while their elite police force was searching for suspects from the terrorist activity in Paris. They asked for the citizens not to post police activity on social media for obvious reasons. The people of Brussels participated in this brilliantly. Instead they used the hashtag #BrusselsLockdown to post photos of cats. Some of these were simply brilliant. This is one of our favorites on the left. Way to go Belgium. You and Paris hang in there and keep your chins up.

3. Sofia Vergara. We love her. She’s like Selma Hayak only funny. She married that gorgeous guy who played Alcide on True Blood. Or maybe you remember him from Magic Mike. Anyway, they got married and they’ll probably make hideous children. Have you noticed that happens sometimes when you put two incredibly attractive people together, the DNA soup doesn’t always turn out. Anyway, Sofia and Joe got married and their wedding pictures are lovely. What had our jaws hanging open wasn’t the dress – which was lovely – or even the cake. It was the flowers. Look at this picture. What the hell was the flower budget for these festivities? Eight million dollars? At least. Holy cow look at this. We hope they gave allergy pills to the guests as they entered otherwise the vows will be drowned out on the wedding video from all the sneezing.

4. We found our candidate! Every election Vermin Love Supreme runs for president. He’s totally whack-a-doodle and we love him. This year, in addition to promising every American a pony (Ava here – every one of you better vote for this guy even if you don’t want a pony. We’ll take your pony! All of them.) if he’s elected, he’s also saying that he’ll defeat ISIS by going back in time. That seems like as good a plan as anyone else has come up with. Honestly, don’t poo poo him; he doesn’t look any more ridiculous than Donald Trump. At least Mr. Supreme embraces it. We firmly believe that Donald Trump would look considerably better with a nice boot on his head.

5. Piecaken. You’ve all heard of the ode to gluttony – the turducken – a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey. We’ve never eaten one, but we’re willing to give it a try. Maybe if they wrap it in bacon so we can die immediately afterwards. Then came along piecaken and we had a religious experience. It’s pie baked inside cake. Seriously. There were pictures of pumpkin, apple and pecan pie baked in between layers of cake and then the whole thing is frosted. To be honest, we were kind of full from dinner and the whole idea kind of put us over the edge. Until we saw this one… cherry tart baked into a chocolate cupcake. Wow. That is a thing of beauty. Consider our minds blown.

We love Wednesday. Even though it’s Thursday. Enjoy Wednesday on Thursday.

The tag line for this commercial is “Give someone the Christmas they’ve been dreaming of. ”

I’m going to check and see if you can order a red panda or a hedgehog from this store.

Ava and I are very concerned about the state of zoos these days. Just last Friday we reported on some Zebras that escaped. That was all well and good and funny. Right up our alley, right?

Then we read the most depressing thing ever.

The Sequoia Park Zoo in Eureka, California lost a red panda. It seems like the little sweetie escaped. No one knows how. Don’t panic. The animal has been found wandering down the street. It was herded into a tree and the zoo police were called. The Sisters were not involved in any way. You can be 100% certain had we known this was going on things would have turned out very differently.

This is not the first time a red panda has wandered out of a zoo. It happened at the National Zoo in Washington DC in June 2013.

We have a bunch of questions. Are these the craftiest animals alive? Who are these humans who find these precious fur-babies wandering around free and turn them in? Does it make us the worst people ever that we’d keep that fuzzy-faced dolly for ourselves? How are we ever going to get our shot at a red panda if our local zoo doesn’t hurry up and get some? Why won’t anyone return our emails?

The Sisters have come to the conclusion that there is a definitely a God and we’re being punished by never being in the right place at the right time. With that epiphany comes a change. If the zoo keepers don’t know how it got out, then Masala could do it again. We’re looking into property near the zoo.

We’ll be prepared. A real man – or Sister – makes her own luck.

Just as I was dropping my kids off at school one day last week Stevie Wonder came on the radio. It was my favorite Stevie song – Superstition.

The same time I cranked the radio Sassy let out a groan. “Not this,” she said.

“What?” I was genuinely perplexed. Who doesn’t love this song?

She reached over and turned it down. She glanced nervously out the window. Ah, I was beginning to understand.

I turned it back up — way up.

“Mom!” she proclaimed.

“This is a great song!” I turned the knob a scoshy bit more to the right. Stevie’s funky Clavinet made an excellent soundtrack for the drop-off lane.

“MOM!” she said in that tone that implies that she’s going to expire of embarrassment right here, right now.

“Oh,” I said with a grin. “Are you afraid someone is going to see you?”

“Yes.” She was emphatic. She reached for the knob again, imploring me with her eyes to take pity on her.

My grin widened. She realized her tactical error almost immediately. I responded by rolling down all the windows to the Durango. Power buttons are a godsend at times like this. The music was now so loud The Bandit had to yell from the back seat his wishes that I have a good day.

“I love you,” I yelled above the funk.

Sassy refused to look at me while she hauled her backpack out of the car. She shook her head and rolled her eyes when she risked a glance at me before she slammed the car door and I was seat dancing.

I’ll have you know, several other parents were doing the seat boogie and singing that song as I slow rolled out of the parking lot. It’s a damn fine song.