We were so overwhelmed with trying to get out of work and pack our bags for NYC we didn’t get the opportunity to write the 5 Favorite Things yesterday. Yesterday was a whirlwind. Now we’re sitting in the airport waiting out a two hour flight delay. If there are two people better able to entertain each other in an airport, we don’t know who they are. We have such plans for NY we can barely contain ourselves. We’re considering stealing an airplane. It was pointed out by one of us that we don’t know how to fly a plane, so we figure we’ll drive it. Won’t that be a sight on the freeway? The benefits are many. There’s lots of room and even a bathroom. We’ll have to stop at the Circle K for food, cause we’re not eating that crap they have on the plane. We suspect we’ll find several co-conspirators in the airport. We’ll let you know how it works out. Until then, here’s some funny stuff.

1. Free lunch!! The Sisters went to Chick-fil-A for frozen lemonade and a chicken sandwich at lunch time the other day. If you’ve not had a frozen lemonade there, you’re seriously missing out. Go get one. We’ll wait here. Anyway, we were in the drive through and Amylynn was making fun of the drive through girl. They’re just so chipper; it’s wrong. When we got to the window, the exceedingly nice girl at the front declared she was comping one meal. The Sisters looked at each other in confusion. Was it because she heard us being mean? Then, her voice rising even higher, the clerk informed us she was comping both meals. Why? “It’s cow appreciation day!” she told us. “And you’re wearing black and white.” So what it comes down to is that we got free lunch because we looked like cows.

2. Airline apps. Amylynn downloaded all the apps on her iPhone for the airlines we’re flying. She was able to check in, pay for our bags, and get updates on our flight delays. We’re going Delta to NYC. You may recall there was an issue with Delta several years ago when we went to the RWA convention in Atlanta. This year when we checked in for the flight on the app, it made us  testify that we weren’t bringing any explosives, matches, or Samurai swords. It did NOT mention Hot Hands and we didn’t bring it up. We were anticipating a breeze once we got to the airport since we’d done all the work on the app. But no. The line to check our bags was insane and there was no avoiding it. Hmmmm, the app may not be perfect after all.

3. Javier. While we were trying to get through security we met Javier. He’s a very excited TSA agent. Ava managed to break her driver’s license while checking her bag, and Javier thought this was most interesting. He kept bending it further and further as he explained to us, his captive audience, all the security measures on the Arizona driver’s license. He was like a museum docent with his expansive knowledge of the thing. He thought he was impressing the hell out of us when, in reality, what he was doing was teaching us everything we need to know to make a fake id. Thanks Javier. We’re going to roll over on you first thing when we get caught.

4. Stowaways. Packing for vacation sucks. It’s stressful and you’re always certain you’ve forgotten everything. The one thing that makes it better is all the assistance you get with cats. All of our kitties were in and out of our luggage, attacking each other, leaving kitty hair, and joy every minute. Some times they even “help” by unpacking the things you just put in. The lure of cats to luggage is akin to the siren call of a box on the floor. If we thought we could get away with it, we’d have left one of them in there with some kibble. We’re going to miss them terribly while we’re gone.

5. Locating the airport. We were all excited that we were parking Dave at the airport instead of one of those lots a zillion miles away. We printed a coupon and everything. Turns out, No. SkyHarbor Airport Long Term parking is not on the airport property. We mentioned our disappointment to the lady at the gate. It didn’t appear that she was excited about being at work today. Nor was she happy about dealing with the Sisters. She walked out of her little gate building and pointed over the roof. “The airport is right there.” Apparently she thought we were blind idiots. That mistake has been made before, but no. We’re not blind.

For the first time EVER we’ve not written the 5 Things That Kept Us From Slitting Our Wrists This Week.

We’re crazy busy trying to get out of town for the Romance Writers of America National Convention in New York City.

You can be assured that there will be all kinds of great blogs and Facebook posts of us getting in trouble in NYC.

Manhattan here we come! We’ll be gentle.

Sassy is doing really great after her surgery. I want to begin this post by saying that. She’s doing great – weaning herself of the pain pills, getting in and out of bed by herself. Even taking showers.

I feel like since she’s doing so well, I can go back to complaining about myself.

After sleeping all those nights in the hospital with her in shitty chairs and awful cots, my neck is shot.

Representative to scale

Or rather, I’d prefer being shot than having to deal with this agony any more.

I put my back out once a year or so. My wonderful doctor puts it all back together and life goes on.

Not this time. This time it’s my neck. I’ve seen her twice in the last week and all she can say is, “Wow! This is bad.”

I’m supposed to put heat on it. So here I am, in the middle of the desert in July. It’s 185 degrees outside, and I’m sitting directly under the ac vent with a heating pad on my neck. Not an ideal situation.

I’ve had offers to have it massaged, but I can barely touch it myself. The thought of allowing someone else to touch it with any pressure at all has me shrieking and running away. Instead, I walk around, moving my head by adjusting my entire torso. I’m like the Bride of Frankenstein only with better hair.

The doctor prescribed muscle relaxers — pills I’ve told other people about, and they say, “Oh my god! Those left me in a puddle!” Not me. Man, I’ve taken two of those giant pills at a time and nothing. Nada. It’s ridiculous.

I’ve discovered that when my neck starts to spasm, I can make it stop by gently pulling up on my head.

What I think this means is that I have a fat head.

Miss Sassy is recovering nicely at home from her surgery. That sorta means she’s bitchy and difficult at home instead of at the hospital.

I kid!! Honestly, some people have no sense of humor.

One odd side effect is that she’s off chocolate. Sort of . She refuses to swallow a pill.

The hospital solved this problem by crushing up her pills and putting them in chocolate syrup. By the time she came home she was retching over chocolate. Her father and I have been crushing up pills and putting them in cherry

He looks suspicious, doesn’t he.

syrup. We’ll see if we can ruin that for her, too. When she complains I always helpfully note that she could always JUST SWALLOW THE DAMN PILL, but she doesn’t find that helpful.

She cried over a chocolate milkshake. I assured her that an aversion to chocolate wouldn’t be a lasting affliction. I mean honestly, have you ever heard of anything so absurd?

Tonight she asked for a Snickers bar. We didn’t happen to have a Snickers bar, but the World’s Greatest Unemployed Receptionist had given her a bag of candy — mostly chocolate — and I located a bag of peanut M&Ms. She found this acceptable and hunkered down in bed with a movie on Netflix.

Moments later there was screaming from her room. Apparently, she lost a molar eating a freaking M&M. “I didn’t even have a loose tooth!” she wailed, though all evidence to the contrary.

I don’t know how I’m going to convince her that chocolate isn’t the cause of this latest trouble. I guess Mom is going to fall on that chocolate grenade yet again.

Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. I hope our friend The World’s Greatest Unemployed Receptionist can sit through this trailer without needing to take a moment to herself.

You know what’s awful? Television in the hospital. Seriously. It may be worse than food in the hospital. We’ll tell you we had a decent grilled cheese while we were here. Also some mozzarella sticks. Not at the same day. Grilled cheese pairs much better with fried zucchini, which was also pretty good, by the way. We do notice an interesting trend of cheese related food at the hospital cafeteria. Perhaps it’s their long term financial strategy. They keep us all full of processed cheese then take care of our ensuing medical issues afterward. You know, the hospital might be making us paranoid. Reasonably so, if you talk to people in the know. Anyway, while we investigate the padded room options, check out some other crazy stuff.

1. And this is why. We’ve warned you people before about this, but we’re going to do it again. It keeps coming up in the news which only proves that you should never, ever get on a Ferris wheel. 66 people had to be rescued from The Orlando Eye when it stranded them up there. It took three hours to get them all down. We can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Amylynn would not live through being stranded at the top of a Ferris wheel for that long. Her heart would explode. They don’t know why the wheel stopped working. We know why. Satan.

2. The people in Sitka are bored. In the spirit of full disclosure we’ll admit that we’ve never been to Sitka, Alaska. Odds are excellent that we never will. Half of the Sisters made it to Anchorage once and it was lovely. Sitka just seems…colder. Or something. Also, as we noted above, we suspect that the inhabitants of that town are desperate for things to do. Or visitors. They lured some travelers up there recently and then completely panicked when they went “missing”. The owners of the bed and breakfast where they’d been staying called out search and rescue when the California couple didn’t appear after their hike. Turns out they were at the circus and all of the panic was for naught. You’d think the entire town of Sitka would have gone to that circus and they’d have noticed strangers immediately. Still it’s nice to know that the good folks of Sitka are there to keep an eye on you when you visit.

3. What the hell is going on in Alaska? Apparently, the 49th state is playing the part of Florida this week. A 19-year-old man was sentenced in Kodiak for stealing underwear. It was decided he needs to have a sexually focused mental health evaluation when it was discovered that he had amassed a collection of over 100 pairs of stolen women’s underwear stashed in his room. We agree, even without knowing any other facts in this case, that an evaluation of that nature would be best. Don’t you think?

4. By a girl! One of the most hysterical things about the Independence Day celebrations in the US are all the silly contests that happen. Hot dog eating (gross!), pie eating (blueberries up your nose is not attractive) and cherry pit spitting (??) contests abound. What’s with all the food themed events? We’ve lived in American for nearly 100 combined years and we still think it’s weird. This year, a 15-year-old girl in Michigan spit a cherry pit 49 1/4 feet. The man who won his contest spit his pit 48’8″. His was quoted as saying, “Wait a minute. One of the girls beat me?” Our women’s lib got all riled up once we heard that. We’d like to answer for Miss Megan Ankrapp. That’s right. She did. She beat your ass. Turn in your man card. Jackass.

5. Tooting. If you’ve not had surgery – or do not know the mind of a 10-year-old boy – you may not really know the value of a good fart. Sassy is recovery nicely from her surgery. That’s the good news. The bad news is the gas pains. Sassy can be…ornery when she needs a good toot. We’re just sayin’ for the next couple of days you may want to stay clear of the methane cloud over our house. We’re sorry, ozone layer, for our contributions to the green house emissions.

Since Sassy had her surgery on Monday, I’ve been staying at the hospital over nights with her. I didn’t sleep the night before which seems reasonable considering the angst we were all under. Then Monday night through Wednesday night I’ve slept on a pull out cot in her room in the ICU. It’s actually a very nice room, but it’s still a hospital and my baby is still in a lot of pain. There’s lots of activity and lots of beeping. Just when I doze off she’ll call out my name and I’m back up on my feet fluffing and pulling and pushing and petting and calling for nurses.

Last night I got about two hours of sleep – none of it together. Then I get to go to work all day and try to use my brain, only to return to my all night shift at the hospital. Honest to God, I’m so tired I can’t even remember the point of this blog.

Sassy refuses to take a pill – not even for pain. She claims she can’t swallow it. At this point I think she just being difficult. (Ha! I’m kidding. Everyone just calm down. Sick people have no sense of humor.)

The nurses crush up her pill and put it in chocolate syrup.  Last night she smeared a bunch of chocolate Percocet on the sleeve of her hospital gown. I was so exhausted and sore at work today I texted My Honey.

“Hey do we still have that nightgown with the Percocet smear? I’m gonna need it to suck on later.”

Of course the nurse changed her gown. All those wonderful, competent nurses.

Sigh.

But if he did…

So I haven’t talked about this yet because we were kinda waiting for it to be done before we found anything amusing in it. Before it happened it was just too scary to take lightly.

A representation of what they did to my baby.

But now it happened. Let the comedy begin.

Miss Sassy has – had – scoliosis. She wore a brace for about two years but that didn’t stop the curve. Then she started growing, only she didn’t grow taller, she just grew more crooked. In the last year things went wonky real fast and her orthopedic surgen said it was time for surgery.

Try selling that to a twelve-year-old. “Guess what you’re gonna do for your summer vacation?” The big sell was that by the time the curve was corrected she’d probably get two to three inches taller. KABAM! All in one day.

Monday was the day. Five hours later, my baby was drugged and pitiful but nearly perfectly straight.

So began the ice chips and turning her every two hours. It also meant NO sleep. Momma is very tired. Daddy is exhausted. The Bandit is weary. The dogs are confused. Jojo Kitty is pissed.

One bright glowing spot in day two was the hospital THERAPY DOG!!!!

The nurse poked her head in. “I know she’s asleep, but do you think she’d like to see the therapy dog?”

“OH MY GOD!” I jumped up from the wretched chair I was in. “YES!!”

I have no idea if we’d even be able to wake Sassy up from her morphine and Valium induced stupor to appreciate a therapy dog, but I sure as hell could. Miss Lilly is an adorable poodle who enjoys a nice handshake.

Holy patron saint of animals, I really, really need to get me a therapy dog.

As previously reported, Ava is redoing the tile floors and a bathroom in her house.  Everything necessary has been delivered to the house and work was started last week.  This necessitated the entire family move to Ava’s mother-in-law’s house.

Ava does not like staying at other people’s houses if she is not on vacation. It’s way too difficult to get ready for work when you’re not in your own home.  It’s way too difficult to know exactly what outfits and shoes you’ll need any earlier than the morning you’re wearing them. It really is. Ava also does not sleep in other adult’s beds. It’s weird, she knows but she doesn’t. Not even if the sheets and blankets have been sterilized. So she slept in the guest room and made the Bright children sleep on the sofas.

The Bright children were not happy because their grandmother has what can barely be called cable and no internet.  Yes, you read that right . . . no internet.  This would be because she does not own a computer. The Bright kitties were not happy because it was not their house and they only like being at their house. Apparently, they don’t know what to wear in the morning either unless they’re at home.  They did, however, enjoy touching everything in the house and eating the plants.

The mother-in-law was not happy because the kitties touched everything in her house and ate her plants.  She is also not used to teenagers staying up all night watching movies and sleeping on her sofas all morning.

The whole event came to a crashing end when Ava insisted she was going home no matter what was left undone. All the Bright’s are home now, sleeping in their own beds including the kitties who refuse to walk on the new floor but that’s a whole other blog.