We went to see Jurassic World this weekend and the expected happened.

Stuff happened. We tried to care, but it’s just so darn hot. The only thing we care about is the air conditioning working in the car. This week Dave Durango decided he didn’t feel like conditioning the air. Amylynn can remember riding around in her parent’s car during the summer way back when with no AC. She doesn’t remember actually melting, but it might have happened. She does remember her skin sizzling when it touched the vinyl seat. Well, this week Amylynn decided she is much too old to be that hot. Like Scarlet O’Hara she declared, “As god is my witness I’ll never be hot again.” Not quite as convincing when you’re beet red and covered with sweat

new 2015 barbie’s feet vs 1980 Barbie’s feet

instead of artfully dirt smudged and as lovely as Vivian Leigh. It was pretty funny though. Like this stuff was funny.

1. New feet! At 56 years old, Barbie is way too damn old to be running around in stilettos and thigh-high go-go boots. Fortunately the people at Mattel realized this and they’ve finally given her ankle joints so the poor woman can wear flats. That’s reasonable don’t you think? We mean good grief, we think after all she’s been through the chick deserves to get to wear slippers once in a while, and we don’t mean the kind with kitten heels and marabou feathers. If she’s not careful she’s going to turn into one of those used up old women wearing too-young clothes and wandering around Walmart in the middle of the night.

2. This is not funny. Yet, somehow it is. The headline reads: Woman gets 23 years for slow-cooker death. Of course that makes a reader go, Whaaaaaat? The killer was apparently mentally unstable (????) and possibly drunk (????) when she got into an argument with a friend over politics so she beat her with a slow-cooker. Doesn’t that seem unwieldy? Slow-cookers are heavy and cumbersome. Of all the times we’ve considered killing someone with a kitchen implement, a slow-cooker was never on the list. I guess you work with what you’ve got. We will mention that the woman was totally shocked when she got her punishment. Some people.

3.  They should call when they consider competitive ice cream eating. So apparently there are a huge number of people trying to get pole dancing into the Olympics as a competitive sport. Actually, from what we learned as we read the article, this is already a thing. They don’t call it pole dancing and you should stop thinking what you’re thinking because these women have scary muscles and can kill you with one thigh. Apparently there is a local kid they’re calling a “pole prodigy”. Hmmmm. OK. You know, sometimes reading the article ruins the whole joke. Being informed ruins comedy. Dammit.

4. We’d call her Polly. Meet the words most adorable octopus. She’s not new. Scientists have known of her for a bit now, but she doesn’t have a name yet. They’re still coming up with it. One they’re seriously considering is Opisthoteuthis Adorabilis. Awww! Because she’s so cute. And pink. And it looks like she’s wearing a tutu. Actually, it’s because her tentacles are webbed so they look like a frilly skirt. Also, she has cut little flippers that look like pigtails when she’s swimming. Go here and watch the video. It’s adorable!

5. Kanga-baby. Okay, here we go. It is no longer acceptable to have a kangaroo as a service animal in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin. Some woman got herself a baby kangaroo, wrapped it up as a human baby, and put it in an infant car seat. Then she took it into McDonalds. Apparently, the short-sighted officials of this town only believe dogs or miniature horses are acceptable service animals. Now for whatever reason the police have banned kangaroos along with everything else. As we’ve come to expect from the news reporting agencies, there is no information about what this kangaroo did in the McDonalds to make the officials turn against it. Amylynn just recently touched a kangaroo and she can tell you unequivocally that having a “therapy” kangaroo would make her infinitely happier. If someone will let the Sisters have one, we swear we’ll never take it to McDonalds.

I’m a nerd and a geek. I admit it. I love comic books, Superhero movies, Star Wars, Star Trek, anything Tolkien, and fantasy/sci-fi. I read everything. I’m fascinated by science and geek out over astronomy stuff. I was a film major in college and still watch movies from that perspective – and I LOVE movies. I’m especially fascinated with pop culture. I can answer crazy stupid questions about television all the way back to the ’50’s. The only part of nerd-dom that I don’t participate in is video games. I suck at them, and one of my failings as a human is that, if I’m not instantly good at something, I don’t bother. Practice makes perfect is NOT my motto. I’m certain that if I was a more evolved human, I’d have latched right onto video games. Especially with the awesome graphics they have now. I’m more than content to watch all six Lord Of the Rings/Hobbit movies in a row, so sitting on the couch for an entire weekend is not a problem.

I wouldn’t say I hide this part of myself – at least not these days. Maybe I did more often when I was a teenager, but now being nerdy is actually pretty cool. It’s a weird dichotomy. Sadly, being a writer does not make you cooler. In fact, it might lower you a bit in the rankings.

Still, I do find myself often quoting things in different situations which I find hilarious, but often only garner blank stares from people in return. I keep insisting to my kids that I’m hip. I prove this by quoting Douglas Adams – A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (Jeez – what a goober I am). Here’s a real gem by Zaphod Beeblebrox: I’m so hip I can barely see over my pelvis. I’m so cool, you could keep a side of beef in me for a month.

The Bandit is not convinced of these assertions. I’m pretty sure My Honey just puts up with my nonsense. Sassy rolls her eyes.

Today, Ava and I took a co-worker down from our corporate office to lunch. He’s a really nice young man – super cute. We didn’t think he’d had enough of the Amylynn & Ava Show at the office so we invited him to Chipotle (Bah!!!!!) with us. We were sitting there eating – Ava poked at her food like she always does – moving it around and inspecting each bite, and Cute Guy ate his bowl with gusto. I, however, was fascinated by his watch. I don’t know what kind it was, but it was surely expensive. Ava could tell you the make and model – that’s her thing.

“I like your watch,” I told Cute Guy during a lull in the conversation.

He glanced at it and gave me a smile. “Thanks.”

“I’m gonna raise my nerd flag now,” I confessed. He looked confused. I think I heard Ava groan, but it was smothered by brown rice and chicken. “It totally reminds me of The Millennium Falcon.”

Now he turned his wrist over so he could look at it better. He definitely looked confused.

I barreled on. “You know, the one Han Solo flies.”

He raised his eyebrows. I don’t know if he was speechless or he didn’t know who Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon are.

Ava – Zeus bless her – says contemplatively, “I can see that.” That’s why I love my Sister.

Lunch was wrapped up quickly after that. Feeling goofy, I resisted the opportunity to use a perfectly timed Thor quote later in the day, but the conversation was poorer because of it.

Yesterday at work I had a bad day. A truly awful day. One of those bad days where you question your job, your career, your sanity. You just want to curl up under your desk, rock back and forth, and weep silently so that no one finds you under there. It all started on Monday with the issue carrying over through Tuesday.

If you all remember I left Bank of No Forks not too long ago to come join Ava at a new company. Things were so bad last night, I seriously considering calling my old boss at BofNF to see if I could get my old job back. See? It was seriously bad if I was considering that option.

I complained for the first time to My Honey about a difficult co-worker. I complained loudly and with rapid hand gestures. I try to keep the specifics of my job complaints to a minimum because he doesn’t know anything about my industry. If you add the difficult co-worker with a lunatic customer, things go badly. The story sort of told itself.

I was still upset when I went to bed, on the verge of tears. I didn’t believe myself when I suggested that things would be better in the morning. Woe is me…

Then I woke up and discovered that my monthly friend had visited. I seriously smacked myself on the forehead and was like, “So! That’s what the problem was!”

I’m some kind of special idiot.

I’ve been getting my period since I was thirteen. I’m forty-five now. You’d think I’d come to anticipate this and recognize the crazy for what it is, but no. Every single month it’s like it didn’t just happen thirty days ago. I even know exactly what day this is going to happen and yet I’m still mystified over my behavior.

Sassy is charging quickly towards puberty with the zeal of a twelve-year-old impatient to grow up, and all I can think is Sweet Zeus we’re in for some trouble now.

The Ava Bright family has lived in their current home for over ten years.  Which is a record. Ava has made it habit to drag Ed from state to state, sometimes on a whim. Other than their childhood homes, they have never lived in one house for so long.

Unfortunately, Ava’s been stuck in the desert for so long because being the “world’s okay-est mom” means she won’t move her teenagers from their school and friends. The problem with living in one house for so long is things start to fall apart and need updating (just like humans).

Ava and Ed have been arguing about the tile in their house for several years now. Per Ava, the color is from the aughts and the size is too small. Per Ed, ripping it up will make a hell of a mess that they won’t soon recover from and Ava needs to accept it.

So, they are removing the ugly tile and putting in new.  Woohoo! Just so you know, Ava shops for tile the way she shops for handbags. She knows exactly what she wants and will search until she finds it.  When Amy heard the hunt for tile was on, she broke the air-conditioning in Dave (I know that’s what happened, Amy.) so she wouldn’t have to become involved. She texted Ed, “Godspeed”.

Poor Ed spent two solid days going to every tile store in town. Exactly thirty samples were found and brought home for viewing. Only one tile was deemed acceptable – ONE.  Unfortunately, it turned out to be the most expensive of the lot (this was truly an accident), and Ed doesn’t like to buy the most expensive of anything. Ava agreed it was more than they wanted to spend and they could keep looking. After all, the largest city in the state is only two hours away and surely there’ll be great tile there. Miraculously, Ed found it in his heart and wallet to make Ava happy and buy the tile.

Note to self – 1. Wear Ed down by going to as many stores as possible in the summer heat in the desert. 2. Never tell Amy again if she’s part of a hunt for something, let her figure it out after a few stops because then she can’t really refuse to help because she already is and that’s what sisters do.

Do you watch Game of Thrones? Are you still watching it after last night? I sat with my mouth agape for minutes while the credit wound down. I hoped in vain for Scenes From The Next Episode, forgetting it was the season finale. Now we have to wait for MONTHS for these issues to be resolved.

What the hell, GOT people? What the hell?

I’ve been all over the internet reading fan theories and possible spoilers. I am not relieved.

I’m telling you, this show is killing me.

Vacation has finally come to an end. The Brights get to start the trek back across the desert in the morning. Yay! How much fun, right? Nothing like a road trip with kids in the car. There’s a great line from National Lampoon Vacation, “The smell from the backseat…” And the bickering. And arguing over space – we’re talking millimeters here. Then, when you get back to work there are seventy-five thousand emails to deal with. And the cat is mad and won’t talk to you. Your Sister has been texting you tales of woe the whole time you’re gone. You know, we’re not certain vacations are worth it. All that rest and relaxation, visiting museums and shopping. I just don’t know. Here’s what I do know…

1. Muffins that need a new adjective. There was this cute little place by our hotel we passed a thousand times. Every single time we drove by, Amylynn would say, “Marvelous Muffins. They’re Maaaaaarvelous.” It was the last day before we finally went in. The display case was full of muffins – obviously – and donuts and other pastries. Amylynn got a blueberry one. Blueberry is her favorite flavor and really is the gold standard of muffins. Maybe it was the hype, but really the muffin was only “Meh”. So disappointing. One thing I did learn, My Honey eats muffins all wrong. He peeled off the paper cup and ate the bottom first. WHAAAAAAAT? Everyone knows you eat the top first. Everyone. She decided it wasn’t a good idea to point this out.

2. Wildlife. We went to La Jolla today to see the sea lions. If you’ve never been, there’s this great little cove where the sea lions come up to rest on the beach and the rocks to take naps. You can get right up next to them and take pictures. The instant Amylynn got down there My Honey looked her in the eye and said, “Do. Not. Touch. Them.” It took everything in her power not to do it. The one in this picture kept opening one eye and watching her as she sidled closer, and she got within two feet or so. Ava will be incredibly disappointed in her, but Amylynn didn’t touch it. One of the deciding factors was the stench. Sea lions do not smell good. No matter how cute they are – and they are mighty cute – the smell is a serious detractor.

3. Not even once. Amylynn must have seen fifteen different Chipotle restaurants in the course of her travels around San Diego this week and she didn’t eat in any of them. In fact – nothing against Chipotle’s parent corporation or the individual stores or their employees – but rude gestures might have actually been made as she rode past. Once again, Ava is surely disappointed in her, but she doesn’t care. There were no burrito bowls consumed. NOT EVEN ONE.

4. Red meat. After a solid week of every kind of fish imaginable, Amylynn was ever so happy to order a medium-rare steak at their End of Vacation Dinner. The sea food options were tempting but she’d already had so much shrimp, calamari, scallops, clams, mussels, crab and assorted other fish that she just couldn’t do it again. The 14 oz rib eye with roasted potatoes with bacon, fried egg, and porcini butter beckoned. It was glorious and she’d do it again.

5. Going home pale. We know we’ve harped on this A LOT this week, but it can’t be expressed enough. Amylynn is going home sunburn free. This is miraculous. Every vacation she dreads the potential for burning and blistering and pre-cancerous lesions. This time there was only the slightest tinge of red on her forearms and nose. Otherwise, nothing! A complete and total solar success. That makes vacation better for everyone involved cause when Amylynn is burned she is pissy and NO ONE needs that. Seriously. No one.

Looking back, I realize over the course of this week, that I cannot count. Somehow I have no idea how I lost track of how many days we’ve been on vacation. Readjusting, I note that we’re on day five.

This morning started out with some epic shopping. I avoided the sun by sprinting from shop to shop. Then once again we tempted fate by going to the beach. I don’t know why my family doesn’t love me, but it is clear that they don’t, or they wouldn’t keep making me go to beaches.

I assumed my position – crouched in a ball, trying to stay in the shade of my giant hat and the beach umbrella. Apparently that works because I’m still not burned. It also helps that it’s still overcast so the sun has barely peeked out. I would like to say however, if it’s overcast at home in the desert those measly clouds will do nothing to protect you from the sun. You can actually hear the Sun laughing with sinister glee, “Bwahahhahahahaah, stupid pale human.”

One bad thing happened. For the third time we had something removed from our check at dinner. This time we went to a really fabulous restaurant. Italian. Pretty authentic since the staff spent some time hollering at each other in the kitchen in Italian. My Mom-in-law and I both ordered eggplant parmesan. It was outstanding – the most unusual I’d ever had. All except for the hair.

Still – it was a great day. The people watching was great. The Bandit terrorized his sister with langostino crabs from the ocean. We bought stuff we didn’t need, but really wanted. I finished reading my book. And dinner, with one exception, was marvelous.

Unbelievably, I have only been sunburned on my forearms and the tops of my hands. Yes, I slathered myself with sunscreen. There’s hardly been any discernible sun since we got here. The weather is overcast and cool – all of which is nice as far as I’m concerned. Still, I’m burned. My mom-in-law finds the phenomenon fascinating. She has come to the conclusion that if there’s one single ray of sun, it will seek me out.

Regardless, I still consider this a victory.

We’ve also had relatively good restaurant service which seems stupid but I’m a bit disappointed in that. Our first two days we’d managed to have chunks of our bill removed due to drenching us in water or never delivering our orders. I thought this could be a running theme of our vacation, but no. Now it seems that everyone is competent.

We took a harbor cruise today. It was actually very nice. The ship was crowded with typically Asian tourists taking a million pictures. I mentioned on Facebook how several of the young ladies asked to take a picture with me. I thought it was very odd. My Honey suggested it was my enormous hat and over-sized sunglasses making me look like someone who didn’t want to be recognized. If that’s the case, there is a bunch of Asians thinking that Molly Ringwald has really gone to hell.

I spent much of the 80’s convincing people that I wasn’t Molly Ringwald – it was the red hair and my generally snotty attitude. To round things out, I sound like Betty Rubble when I laugh. Isn’t that just exactly like who you want to be compared to? Once in my life I’d like Audrey Hepburn and Heidi Klum to come from someone’s mouth.

Tomorrow calls for more shopping and probably more beach. Pray to which ever gods listen to you to take pity on the alabaster writer-girl who doesn’t like outside.

Today went well. No discernible burn. We started out the morning going to all the museums in Balboa Park. This was good because museums are inside where the sun can’t get to you. I love museums.

The plan was to go to the beach in the afternoon. My spirits dampened. The beach is outside. Directly under the sun.

I made My Honey stop at Target and buy an umbrella. I wore 45 coats of sunscreen, a beach cover up over my swimming suit (that I only wore because it’s tradition that I let my family think I might go near the water), a giant floppy hat, and sunglasses. I looked like a movie star determined not to be recognized. This is a fantasy of course. I did NOT look anything like a movie star. I looked like a vampire trying not to fry.

My family went off to the water and I huddled in a ball in the shade of the umbrella. I would move every couple of minutes to follow the oblong of shade while I read my book.

I will admit that my feet got wet when I went to the waterline to tell the kids to come away from a riptide. The water touched my skin and I shivered. The lifeguard said it was measured at 64 degrees today. Who the hell swims in 64 degree water? Crazy kids from Arizona apparently.

Apparently no one informed the Pacific Ocean that it’s summer.