Are you people watching Penny Dreadful on Showtime? It is completely and utterly bizarre and the Sisters love it. The name Penny Dreadful comes from the Victorian Era in England when serial stories were published weekly to be bought for a penny. Many of the stories were sensational by nature, and they were wildly popular.

The television show also takes place in Victorian England and includes vampires, demons, the devil, possession, Dr. Frankenstein, Dorian Gray, werewolves, witches, and American sharpshooters. Honest to Zeus, if they think of something bizarre we’re certain they’ll show up in the stories given enough time.

It’s outrageous, scary, and absolutely over the top. The final scenes of tonight’s episode were crazily unsettling. We recommend watching with a blanket to hide behind.

You owe it to yourself to check it out – if you like this sort of thing.

The actor who plays Frankenstein’s Monster will break your heart. And Art Carney’s grandson plays Dorian Gray. Who’d have ever thought anything so pretty could have come from Art Carney’s loins – no matter how far removed – is a wonder. And we don’t remember Josh Hartnet being quite so riveting. Also, where the hell has Timothy Dalton been all this time? He’s still very handsome.

Anyway, we’re only in season 2 so you can still catch up.

Mother’s Day is this weekend. We’re mothers. Just sayin’. We’ve pointed this out to our children. “Hey,” we said. “It’s Mother’s Day this weekend.” They didn’t reply. Pawn Stars is super fascinating. “You know what?” we gamely plodded along. When they didn’t guess, we filled the non-rhetorical silence. “I’m a mother.” They still didn’t answer, but we know we got to them. Those kids will remember if they know what’s good for ’em. We know who pays the cable bill. What did you do for your mom? Flowers? A card? Nothing? For shame! You know she was in labor for 47 hours during a heat wave when there was no electricity for you. She didn’t sleep for twelve years after you were born. She signed your permission slips and got your splinters out. Go get her a card. Jeez. Or BETTER YET – pick up a nice copy of Miss Sinclair’s Secret! There’s a raccoon! All mothers love raccoons. Statistical fact. We’re all about the science here. We’re also about the funny. Here’s some we didn’t have anything to do with.

1. The “I Quit” cake. This was genius. A guy in our city quit his job as the channel 13 newscast director by having it written in frosting on a cake. Brilliant. He wasn’t quitting out of anger or anything. He was just offered a better job, but he felt bad, and he wanted to soften the blow. “No one can be mad or sad at cake.” He’s totally right. Except when your Sister won’t let you eat any. That’s a recipe for angry sadness right there. Still, it’s a lovely way to quit your job when you’re not so angry that you fling your resignation letter at your boss as you jump out the window, cackling with glee. We hope someone we love quits soon and takes this hint. There was no mention of the flavor of the cake, but we’d recommend marble. Everyone loves marble.

2. Lunch. We’ve mentioned before specific foods and places where we love to eat. We’ve also mentioned favorite companions with whom to eat it. Today we’d like to extoll the virtues of the whole damn thing. Ava wrote a nice haiku. Happiness – Lunch time! But sadly, salad. So sad. No burger for you. Ava writes a heck of a haiku, don’t you think? If you’re looking for the Sisters around lunch time we generally go at 1pm unless we’re gnawing on our own legs by 10am. The important thing about lunch is being flexible. Unless you’re Ava. Then it doesn’t matter when you go, you’re still eating at Chipotle.

3. The Avengers. As you know, Amylynn went to see the movie last weekend. We love us some Avengers. We can’t decide who the best looking one is, so we devote considerable time debating it. Ava isn’t a fan of Thor. The rest of the world knows she’s wrong about that, but that just leaves more Thor for the rest of us. We both adore Ironman. There isn’t a damn thing wrong with Captain America, either. There’s a lot to be said about the rawness of Bruce Banner. Surprisingly we both have a thing for Hawkeye. If we were likely to develop girl crushes Black Widow is a prime candidate. At the risk of giving our husbands complexes, we’ll just have to watch the movies about a hundred more times. In the name of research. Remember, we’re all about the science.

4.This diet isn’t totally ruining our lives. The Sisters were dragged forcibly to a gluten free restaurant this week. We intellectually know that gluten is bad for us as a species, but ohmygod it’s so yummy. We grudgingly admitted that the place was cute. Another plus was that the waitress’s name was Amy. Clearly she’s an intelligent and witty soul, and by association, the place must be alright. The menu was pretty extensive, way more than we expected. We did our normal routine and ordered two entrees to split and share. A grilled cheese with avocado and bacon. The other a grass-fed hambuger. All you haters be quiet. We decided these were alright diet foods because they were chemical free. AND remember, there was no gluten in our bread. The grilled cheese was just ok, but the hamburger was GLORIOUS. The gluten free bun was a fluffy piece of heaven sent happiness. We’ve been raving about it to everyone. Honest to Zeus, who would have known we’d find such happiness in the absence of gluten?

4. Eyelashes. Our friend Miss Claudia got eyelashes. Look at how fabulous these are! Actually, they deserve two exclamation points. !!. They are permanent extensions that she had done at a salon here in town. We want some. We want them now. Sadly, they cost a bit of money and we’re going to have to figure out how that is going to happen. You know what might work out for everyone? If the extension people want to give them to us for free, we’ll tell our massive internet reading audience how wonderful they are. We’re totally willing to accept eyelash endorsements. We’ll even wear a shirt that says, ASK ME ABOUT MY EYELASHES. We wouldn’t have to though. In real life you can’t help but notice how gorgeous they are. We’re only concerned that Claudia is going to fly away in a stiff breeze.

I was standing in my kitchen talking to My Honey when I got home from work. He was making dinner so he could get to his best friend’s house early. He’s assisting in the making of a monster movie starring our godchild. True Story.

“Guess what,” he says.

“What?” I asked and eyed the leftover birthday cake. You’re not allowed to eat cake on a diet. It’s demoralizing how that cake just sits on the counter like that.

“The Bandit turned down a contract hit today.” My husband is very proud.

“What?” A normal mother would be concerned that her 10-year-old son would be offered a contract hit at all. I was more relieved that he’d turned it down. We’re like the Addams Family meets the Godfather over here. “Did he say, ‘No thank you. I’ve had enough detention this year, but it was nice you thought of me.’?”

“Exactly.” My Honey checked on the French fries.

Still the idea gave me pause. The child making the request is way bigger than our boy, who is still a pipsqueak. “Why would he ask the shorty to do the hit?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t have a lot of faith in his own intimidation skills. And you know, The Bandit is so mean.”

This is true. My youngest child is mean. Mean. I don’t understand it. I’m such a pleasant person. “Well, I guess I’m proud of him for not getting in another fight.”

Still, I wonder. What was the offered price? Hell, there’s only a week and a half left of school. Did he even try to negotiate?

The Sisters are on a diet again. This is because we’re fat. The whole thing is a tragedy. The Sisters were not meant for diets. We are meant for glorious things – things like cake and éclairs and chocolate banana milkshakes.

Actually, this might be some of the problem.

Waaaaaaaaaaah!

You never will hear the Sisters complaining about a trip to the book store – that’s like going to Disney World for normal folk.  However, there are trips there that are not as fun as others. You’re wondering how that’s possible, right? It’s a book store for Zeus sake. Case in point, a trip to the book store for a book called “Math for Dummies”.

Over at the Ava residence, one of the children that lives there isn’t doing well in math.  I guess you figured that much out on your own. Ava has decided they will learn math together. Ava did not like math the first time around and informed everyone in the household on the first day of kindergarten that all math homework was to be directed at Ed. Ava would handle everything else. This worked for the first child because he thinks math is “fun” and didn’t need Ed anyway. I freely admit right here, in writing, I know something is wrong with a person who thinks math is “fun”.

The girl, on the other hand, not so much. It’s taken everything in Ava not to agree with her and tell her to just do her best and get through it because this is the child who will take that comment to heart and get a “C”. We do not allow “Cs” at the Ava Bright residence. We barely allow “Bs”. Before anyone calls child protective services, know this, the Bright children are BRIGHT – all four of them.  Ridiculously so. Therefore, no “Cs” but I digress.

Ava’s never had an uncomfortable moment in a bookstore until this trip. She stood there perplexed by all of the math books for idiots like herself. She read the first page of one and became nauseous. That required a text to Amy for support and the man behind her to tell her all she needed to do to feel better was turn around because the dog books were right there (they really are).  He must have been the devil (or one the of the girl child’s friends in disguise) trying

What kinda crap is this?

to break her concentration from buying a math book.  Well, one was selected and taken to the register. Ava was certain this was the worst $25.00 she’d ever spent in her life (Figure it out people – that’s almost 4 romance novels!).

All of this might have been okay if the cashier hadn’t rung her up and along with the receipt handed her another slip which said at the top “Other books you might enjoy”.

WTF?! I’m not going to enjoy this one! Who in their right mind enjoys learning math with a fourteen year old girl for an hour every day. Clearly, the people at Barnes & Noble didn’t think this advertising idea through. What happens if you’re in there buying a book on cancer or a do-it-yourself divorce. The possibilities are endless of books you might need to buy but don’t really want to buy and then they suggest more of the same?

Well, no wonder book stores are constantly flirting with bankruptcy, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

I was sent out to refill the popcorn we were all sharing and you know I spilled half of it right in front of that same damn usher. I avoided eye contact. The Bandit wanted to take his friends to see The Age of Ultron for his birthday and its release just happens to coincide with his birthday this weekend. I got tickets a week and a half ahead of time as to avoid selling out. When we checked on Saturday, Fandango said the first five shows were sold out. Whew!

I am certain I was more excited about the film than the kids.

This morning I told My Honey that I would get to the theater really early to stake out a space in line and ensure a good seat.

Sassy and I each grabbed a book (All The Light We Cannot See for me, and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire for her) and headed off to the theater and hour and a half early. I hoped it was soon enough. I know how my people can be. We have a tendency to show up in droves for events like these.

When we arrived at the usher’s podium I showed him my electronic ticket and explained that I needed to get some of the tickets to my husband when he arrived with the kids.

“You know the film doesn’t start for an hour and a half?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I nodded. “I want to make sure I get good seats.”

“But there’s nobody here.” His eyebrows were all screwed up in confusion.

“Ho,” I said. “I assure you, the nerds are coming. I’m just leading the charge.”

Sassy and I staked out the perfect seats and waited. And waited. And waited some more.  The nerds trickled in but they never came in the droves I was expecting. Very strange. And of course, I looked like an idiot for being there so early.

I should be used to it by now. Looking like an idiot, I mean. It seems to happen a lot.

Later, I was sent out to refill the popcorn we were all sharing. You know I spilled half of it all over the floor right in front of that same damn usher. I avoided eye contact.

When we left, that same guy was still at his post. “Her,” I heard him say and, in my paranoia, I can only assume he was pointing me out for all the rest of the ushers to laugh at.

Thanks a lot, nerd community, for leaving me hanging like that.

Do you remember when The Sisters complained about not having anything to do at Bank of No Forks? Remember how we were bored? Well, we are bored no more, our friends. The new place is like a lunatic asylum; we’re so busy. One thing that’s nice, of course, is that we’re so busy we’re only aware of time passing when we periodically realize we’re so hungry we could eat our own leg. Sadly, this means that our friends aren’t able to see us for lunch as often as we’d all like, but that will get better once things level out. The good news is we’re still not too busy to mess with people’s heads. Ava’s trying to convince the managing partner in our office that we need a baby alpaca. Or a baby llama. They’re really kind of interchangeable. Anyway, she started with a cat of course, but he’s allergic to cats so an alpaca/llama is the obvious substitution. That’s our latest cause — we’ll keep you posted. Here’s some other stupid/funny/ridiculous stuff.

1. Just call us Mrs. and Mrs. Stewart. You know Jon Stewart is retiring from the Daily Show. This makes us so sad. So very, very sad. We figured he was going to sit around his rich New York apartment eating bonbons and chatting up famous people on the internet until he gets so bored he takes up a new hobby of knitting and following his wife around the house pestering her with stupid questions to the point of her threatening him with a ladle to find some friends and get the hell out of her house for at least nine hours a day. Turns out, no. That’s not how it’s gonna be. Jon Stewart and his wife are opening a place in New Jersey for rescued farm animals. It turns out our perfect crush is even more perfect. Rescuing farm animals? Seriously? Our stupid husbands won’t even let us have a goat.

2. Weather of biblical proportions. Norway must have done something to anger the gods. We don’t know what it was, but it was pretty epic because the punishment is truly awful. Worm rain. Really. It rained worms. They fell from the sky and landed on the snow up to three feet deep. Ewwww! “It was earthworms wherever I went. There must have been thousands,” said a biology teacher who witness the phenomenon. We don’t even know what to say about this. What does a person do with all these worms? Import chickens? Sell them to trout fishermen? We don’t even know. Do trout eat worms? This story is gross. We apologize for even mentioning this story. Skip to the next one.

3. It’s another name for a whack-a-doodle. Do you know who Nik Wallenda is? He’s from that famous circus family the Flying Wallendas. He’s always doing daredevil stunts like walking on a tightrope across the Grand Canyon and Niagara Falls. This time he’s going to walk, untethered, across the 400 foot high Orlando Eye. It’s a Ferris Wheel. If the idea of walking on a tightrope way the hell up there in the air wasn’t terrifying enough, then add in the Ferris Wheel. Amylynn has a well documented fear of the carnival ride. He’s going to ride all the way to the top (eek!), then he’s going to crawl out of the passenger capsule  and walk on the outer rim WHILE IT’S MOVING. So when you wanna know who the hell Nik Wallenda is you can just remember he’s that idiot.

3. We go together like shamalamadingdong.  We can’t say enough how excited the Sisters are to be back together full time again. The only real problem with being together all the time is that we’re horrible influences on each other’s diet. Take for instance today at lunch. Our boss bought lunch because we worked straight through. On the way to the deli to order, Ava informed Amylynn that we would be getting one sandwich to share since we’re going on a diet. Then Ava ordered two pieces of rum cake and was going to order a slice of lemon, too, when things got dicey. We got into an argument in front of the counter person because Amylynn wasn’t allowed to eat a whole damn sandwich but she could have two pieces of cake? This is how things go with us. It’s never dull. And our arguments sound an awful lot like they were scripted by Laurel and Hardy.

4. Tom Hardy. We have a bit of a crush on Tom Hardy. Much like the rest of the female population apparently. We don’t even care that he’s short-ish. Amylynn is like a midget (Ava likes to bring this up a LOT) so she’s fine with it. Ava can just wear flats. We can’t even contain ourselves over the cover of the Entertainment magazine from last week. Can you blame us? Look at that! Mad Max has never looked to good.

When did this happen? How did this happen?

So we’re three days into the Sisters Reunion Tour and things are going swimmingly.

Our team is in a bit of a frenzy, deeply behind the eight ball already for the month of May. Maybe Amylynn doesn’t really understand what’s going on, because she’s not nearly as panicked as the rest of the team.

The leader of our team has a tendency to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT. Amylynn wants to flash her wrist at him all the time, but maybe it’s too soon for that.

Ava had a dentist appointment today. We made a decision not to tell The Man. It would just make him panic and nobody needed that. It was for his own good.

While she was gone, Amylynn and some of the other teammates came up with a whole scheme to make sure he’d never know she was missing.

Her office mate touched her computer keyboard frequently so that it wouldn’t ever go to sleep. He popped into her office about fifteen minutes after she left.

“She’s in the bathroom,” we told him.

Twenty minutes later, he wandered by with a question. “She’s in the kitchen,” we said. We got her a fresh cup of coffee so it would be steaming on her desk.

A little later. “I don’t know,” Amylynn said. “She’s around here somewhere.”

By the time she got back — with gloriously clean teeth — no one was the wiser.

We love Game of Thrones. We love Sesame Street. And Grover is the absolute best. Where could this possibly go wrong?

The inside jokes are delicious and hysterical. “Sorry, Joffrey, you choked.” Bwahahahahahahaha!