Amy left for camping this morning. She left late because it was raining here in the desert. A somewhat rare occurrence I assure you. But, since Amy was going to sleep in the woods, the sky opened up as if today was day-one of a forty day deluge. It seems apparent she has angered the gods.

Marshmallow on a Stick

Ava sent the following text to Amy’s Honey:

Dear Amy’s Husband,

Amy is too delicate to camp in these conditions. More importantly to you, she’ll whine. A lot. It would be best to drop her at the office on your way out and I’ll see that she gets home later.

Sincerely and just looking out for you,

Ava

Unbelievably, this did not result in Amy being excused from camping. Ava cannot understand this. If anyone offered to take Amy off of her hands when whining was a forgone conclusion she would let them.

Here’s a text from Amy mere hours into convening with nature:

“I already hurt my toe and pinched a finger.”

Nothing about Amylynn Bright says camping. Nothing.

Even though it was pouring down rain, the Sisters went to the Barnes and Noble again today at lunch. It was the second day in a row because, dammit, we wanted our copy of Rules of a Proper Governess by Jennifer Ashley. We’re not afraid to be considered stalkers of a book store. Yesterday went badly. There wasn’t a single copy of the book to found on release day.

I was full of despair. I would have stayed up all night to read it. I’m like that with Jennifer’s books.

So today when I went I took Ava with me. I figured we’d tag team them.

We still couldn’t find a copy in the stacks, on the rounder, or in the new releases section.

Fortunately, the gentleman who helped us at the counter showed on the computer that 4 copies were in the store. Even with his help, we still couldn’t find any. I offered to put my glasses on if it would be more helpful. Another guy got involved.  Nothing like towing two hapless men around a store demanding romance books. We did all this like we usually invade a place: loudly, with much sarcasm, and like we’re channeling stand up comediennes. Imagine a blonde and a red-head version of Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman.

Eventually, they both fled to the stockroom. They claimed they were going off to find our copy. Together. We were pretty sure they were just hiding back there. Or maybe drinking from flasks to boost their fortitude after dealing with the two of us.

Eventually they returned, a copy in tow.

They were the heroes who finally managed to find our book, but they had zero personality while doing it. They didn’t even have the wild-eyed hunted look our victims usually have. They sure as hell didn’t play along. We’re actually concerned that they’ll never find wives. We think it might behoove these gentlemen to read a romance novel or two. If they don’t want to start with one of mine, then we heartily recommend Jennifer’s collection.

We thanked them profusely and loudly and with much enthusiasm. Love was mentioned to make them even less comfortable than they already were. The truly sucky thing about this happily every after is that Ava demanded the book since I’m being forced to go camping this weekend. She’s afraid I’ll die in the woods and she’ll never get to read it.

I have concerns.

One of our favorite romance writers of all time–Jennifer Ashley, the author of arguably the most broken hero ever written–has a book out today. When her books come out, we have already marked the calendar and we anticipate it all week. We always buy those kinds of crazily anticipated books from our local Barnes & Noble instead of Amazon because even though Amazon is crazy fast, we want instant gratification on those books. If you recall we call it the church because there’s a Starbucks inside and what could be holier than coffee and books, together, all in one place?

So I went to the B&N today to get my copy of Rules for a Proper Governess and they didn’t have any on the shelves.

Or on the rounder.

Or up front with the new releases.

Sigh. That means I had to find a human and ask them for it.

They didn’t have any. Not a single copy of Jennifer’s book. How is that possible? It’s published by Berkley for Zeus’s sake, not some tiny fly-by-night publisher. The clerk claimed it was still on order.

I am terrified the Barnes & Noble is closing. PLEASE DON’T CLOSE. PLEASE

We can’t take another closure like Borders.

The Sisters got bad news today. It seems that our dream/nightmare of being laid off from Bank of No Forks may come to fruition sooner than anticipated. Now we’re going to have to figure out what we’re going to do with ourselves if we want to continue to live in our houses, feed our families, and have health insurance.

We’re looking for suggestions. We thought of a few things to get your creative solutions flowing.

But honestly, with the exception of the snake and probably the newt, we’d take any of those other options as well. God, we do love a goofy dog.

We’re desperately worried about the World’s Greatest Receptionist. She’s off in Mexico this weekend at a family wedding. We’re all for destination weddings when they’re in Fiji. Or New Orleans. Or places where random drug lords don’t steal American citizens and chop their heads off. We begged her to keep her head down and not sass anyone, but who are we kidding. She’s one of us. We don’t think it’s within her power to keep the sass inside. Her head is likely to explode. We don’t think her plan of screeching, “Get your hands off me. I’m an American!” is going to help anyone. Keep your eyes peeled on the news. This stuff should keep you occupied with giggles until then.

1. Jared Leto. No one should be surprised by this pick.  Of course, Jared is a favorite thing this week. How can he not be? A. Ava thinks he’s adorable. B. We get to put up another picture of him. C. She got to annoy Amy about him all week.  That’s a triple people. WIN WIN WIN! (Amylynn here – I think he wears the facial hair so that people will be sure he’s a boy. A very pretty boy.)

2. Appetizers. We met our friend Pumpkin again today to whine about the state of publishing, to gossip about books and writers we’re reading, and to plan our world domination of the publishing world. This time we met at Chili’s. “Meh,” was our opinion when it was suggested. However, when we got there we ordered the soft pretzels with cheese sauce and salt. OOOOh, mama. They were super yummy, super soft, and just the right amount of tang. THEN we had a warm skillet chocolate chip cookie with ice cream. Honest to god, it’s a miracle we’re not 5,000 pounds. Our opinion of Chili’s has swung the other direction.

3. Best mug…EVER. At our local writers group meeting, we have a raffle every month of fun stuff our membership brings in. This last week we wanted a mug that was up for the offing. We wanted it bad. Or badly. We always screw up those adverbs. Anyway, we coveted that mug. This is what it says: YOU ARE A BRILLIANT WRITER. Seriously, you are the freaking queen of story. When you approach your computer, the keyboard trembles, just the tiniest bit, because it knows something awesome is coming. That is how much you rock. Now get back to work. You got this. Talk about motivation with caffeine. It’s brilliant. Anyway, sad story short, we didn’t win. It took only minutes to find the cup on Zazzle and buy two. Go here to get your own. They have them for boys, too, if you’re not comfortable being a Queen.

4. Finding new authors. The Sisters really love to read. REALLY LOVE TO READ. Obviously. All writers love to read. The problem is that most writers are too busy writing to read. It’s a real tragedy. Seriously. Anyway, this week both of the Sisters have found new authors. Well, new to us. These particular authors have been around for a while, but sadly we didn’t get to them. It’s that writing thing I mentioned. We introduce you to Courtney Milan and Jennifer Armentrout (sometimes writing as J. Lynn). Courtney wrote a stunning book that finaled in the Rita Awards (the Oscars of Romance) called The Countess Conspiracy.  It’s fantabulously glorious – the story is atypical of a historical and worth whatever money you spend on it. Jennifer wrote Stay With Me – a book that jettisoned right to the best seller lists upon its release and the reason is clear. Jennifer really has a handle on this New Adult subgenre. Both of these books were from a series so that is bad for the Sisters ’cause we just don’t have this kind of time.

5. Quitting like a boss. We’ve shared with you before several different ways people have dramatically quit their jobs. We remember one in particular that involved a marching band. This lady worked as a news reporter in Alaska. She was also apparently the owner of a Alaskan Cannabis Club. We don’t know if the station was being difficult about her other employment or what, but the way she quits is dramatic. The kind of quitting you don’t come back from. While on the air, she says, “Fuck it. I quit.” You can’t start applauding yet though because when the camera flashed back to the stunned anchor she is all over the place. The station apologized and stated that she’d been fired, but we’re thinking they don’t have a time machine so… Anyway, good luck to you Charlo Greene and all your efforts. We hope to have the opportunity to quit like you one day.

Dear Jared Leto,

I made my sister and friends watch another of your movies today. It was “Requiem of a Dream”. As you’ll recall, they cut your arm off. I guess

Just like this only with a puppy

that’s better than dying like in Alexander. Any who, there was a “small” (read “large”) revolt and watching more Jared Leto movies has been taken off the table.

I know what you’re thinking. “Those bitches! What do they know? I have an Oscar! And have you seen my hair?”

All true and I said as much in your defense.

Is this your dog? Both of you can get paid. Is that your mom in the background? Bring her too!

I know you’re out there rockin’ but eventually you’ll want to be in another movie. Here’s what I suggest: go with a movie where you’ll look good (read “HOT”), more lines than in Alexander, you don’t die or lose body parts, and a puppy is involved. The puppy idea comes from that new Tom Hardy movie that’s out. You’ll have to admit that even though Tom doesn’t have an Oscar like you, he can act so you can’t really tell me a movie in which you look good, speak, don’t die, and carry a puppy would insult your artistic integrity. If it does, use the pay check to make yourself feel better.

If you need me to review scripts for you, just let me know. I’d be happy to find your next project.

With much fondness and high hopes to get you back in our movie rotation,

Ava Bright

And you people wonder why Ava and I want a goat so badly.

Really. Magical goats?

We need a bouncy one

Magical goats who can drive?

What’s not to want?

We figure if we get them young enough we can teach them to use their powers for good.

We told you once before that we’d watched the worst movie in the history of cinematography. That had been a bold-faced lie. LIE.

Ava made us watch Alexander (2004) because Jared Leto is in it.

We beg you to save yourselves two hours and forty-five minutes of torture and don’t watch it. You think, “So many outstanding actors are in it, how bad could it be?” Let us give you a few ideas of exactly how bad it is.

All the togas are WAY too short. WAY TOO SHORT. We think they must have gotten an amazing deal on white sheets from Sears. There are several instances where we’re certain the costume people stole the bathrobes from the local Hilton. And at one time Alexander is wearing a sheer peignoir. We swear to Zeus.

“How is the hair?” you ask. ABYSMAL. Who exactly thought Colin Ferrell would look good as a blond? He doesn’t. (Ava here – Jared’s hair looks

Pretty, pretty Jared Leto

amazing because it’s his.)

Also, the blood used in the fight scenes looks like they stole the ketchup from Craft services. And there is some bizarre yellow substance that might have been mustard. Who knows? We surely don’t.

We can’t explain why approximately 24% of the cast had one eye. Seriously, we’re not making that up. Lest you think the costume people weren’t on top of their shit – one scene contains a drawn on eyeball on a blind man.

Every single actor in it has outstanding eyeliner. Especially, Jared.

We never could understand what accent they were using. It seemed to alter from scene to scene. Angelina Jolie starts out with an Italian accent and at some point it morphs into Russian.

It’s all fun and games until Val Kilmer loses an eye.

Oliver Stone was apparently on hallucinatory drugs when he conceived of this. We think all of the famous actors signed on because of the other famous actors who signed on. Anyway, that’s what we assume Christopher Plummer was thinking. Then they spent the remainder of their time together drunk.

The gorgeous horse committed suicide by spear just to get out of the damn thing. We would have too.

Ava here – Jared dies at the end. It’s a horrible death scene but Jared still looks good anyway. I stopped watching at this point because what was the point after that? Amylynn here – it IS a horrible death scene and Jared does NOT look good in it. They made him die with his eyes open with horrific makeup. A travesty.

The disc informed us that at 2 hours and 47 minutes it was shorter than the theatrical version. WHAT THE HELL DID THEY TAKE OUT? What was so much worse that the director was embarrassed to include it? Oliver Stone needs a slap.

The Sisters are shunning George Clooney. We really wanted to be happy for him and his lovely new bride Amal Alamuddin. Therein lies the crux of

Aman Hotel where they got married. We’d LOVE to stay here.

the problem.

George actually got married. He actually did it.

We’re so proud of his choice, too. Amal is a lovely, brilliant woman. That was one of our favorite things about Georgie. He pretty much always had well-chosen ladies–not twinkies, and that’s admirable. We’re certain

This was probably his expression when he found out we’re pissed.

there were plenty of twinkies throwing themselves at him.

You see, we greatly admire George. We greatly admire Amal.

Where the hell was our invitation?

Venice, Italy is in the top three places the Sisters want to go–right up there with Rome and Paris (half of us have already been to Paris and the other half is pissy about it.) But Venice. Oh Venice.

We would have brought a lovely present. Probably something from Tiffany. Well, at the very least something from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

The guest list was amazing but the one celebrity that made us go WHAT!!! was the arrival of John Krasinski–Jim from The Office. And Bill Freaking Murray.

You know what we got to do this weekend? NOT A GOD DAMNED THING.

And now we’re not speaking to him.