This video is amazing. Ride it out to the end. It’s worth it.

Besides the holidays, the month of December is the time we use up all the vacation days we have left. “Use ’em or lose ’em,” Bank of No Forks says. That means we have weird random days off through the rest of the year. Like today for instance. We’re both off. Off work, not our rockers. Our rockers are perfectly fine, thank you. Amylynn’s clandestine day off was ruined by having the ten-year old girl home sick. Nothing puts a damper on a perfectly lovely “sick” day like a sick person. Selfish little kid, we say. Regardless, there were some funny things this week.

Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg

1. Epic complainers. The Sisters do enjoy a good complaint. We also seriously dislike Delta Airlines. Because of this we read with interest the story of the Minnesota Rabbi who was just kicked out of the Northwest World’s Perks program of which he was a platinum member. The Supreme Court is listening to this case and will make a decision sometime next year. Here’s the deal. He was dumped from the program for complaining too much. Everyone agrees that is the issue. What the court is deciding is whether the airline is allowed to expel him for that. We’re really hoping the answer is no. We don’t like the precedent this would set. There are a lot of places we

We don’t think that’s necessary

want to continue to go to, even though we complain.  Although, we’ve never, ever complained in a bakery. Ever.

2. What the hell Seattle? When you picture Seattle we’ll bet you’re like us and you imagine some generally quiet yet caffeinated people. Apparently not. Those people are noisy. They screamed and yelled and jumped up and down so much at a recent Seattle Seahawks football game they registered a 1 or 2 level earthquake at the local seismometers. And they set a sound record at 137.6 decibles.  That’s louder than you think. It’s louder than Amylynn’s house on a Saturday morning while she’s trying to sleep in.

3. Drinks are on the TSA. We read with our mouth’s hanging open how the Transportation Safety Administration has collected $531,395.22 this year alone by people who tossed their change in those bins before they go through security and fail to retrieve it. That’s a LOT of change people. Miami flyers left the most money at $39,613 and Guam had the least with $1.70. Can you freaking believe it? More than 1/2 a million dollars in coins. Holy Quarters! We wonder who rolls all that change.

4. On line Christmas shopping. We’re huge fans of Amazon. Our books are for sale there. (Please note the shameless plug – click the covers to the left to take you right to the buy screen.) But they’re also good for buying camels named Leon and shoes and if they had a panda bear on there you know damn good and well we’d have hit that buy button a zillion times already. There’s a lot to be said about the enjoyment of shopping in person, but we also LOVE getting home to packages on our door step.

5. Boys asking girls to dances. We’re all for women’s lib. Or at least equal pay and equal opportunity. OK – what we’re really into is not being told what to do.  That’s not to say we don’t enjoy telling other people what THEY should be doing. Take for instance 16-year old boys who don’t think they have any cute girls at their school. We’re very happy to point out the good-looking girls and shoving our boy in their direction. Obviously, we think that girls can ask boys to the dances. After all, it was Amylynn who asked her husband to marry her, but we like it better when the boys do it. Nervous boys are cute. That’s what we say.

Internet, meet Teddy Bear the North American Porcupine. This is the cutest thing you’re going to see all week.

Did you people know this was a thing? Did you have any idea they make all those noises? Us either.

Can we have one? Please, please, please.

Pretty please?

You know sometimes you have to be an adult and tell your children they can’t do stuff no matter how enticing it might be?

My daughter, Sassy, is dying to use a defibrillator. You know those things they use on TV all the time to shock a person back to life?

“I’m just dying to get my hands on one of those things,” she’ll say with a frightening gleam in her eyes. “Grab a hold of those paddles – CLEAR – then zaaaaaaaaaaap!” At that point she’ll make an exaggerated noise and flail her body around like Kermit the Frog.

Every time we see one strapped to a wall at the mall or something, it’s everything I can do to keep her from yanking it down and resuscitating someone. I sincerely don’t think this stems from an altruistic desire to aid someone. She just want’s to yell CLEAR and zap the crap out of someone.

I know exactly what she means. That would be cool, right?

This being an adult thing is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be.

I got a very strange phone call from my mother on Saturday morning. She got me when I was just awake and I’m not very intelligible for a good half an hour after I wake up. I’m surly for at least an hour, but that’s a different blog.

Anyway, when I answered the phone she asked with a great amount of feeling, “How are you this morning?”

“Fine,” I told her.

“I was just really worried about you last night?”

I rubbed my eyes. “Ummmm, OK.” This was a confusing conversation.

“You just weren’t making any sense. I was very concerned.”

Not about not making any sense. I didn’t even remember talking to her the previous evening. “Well, I’m OK.”

“You said you had a headache, so…”

This clarified her concern. Sometimes when I have a really hellacious migraine I am very confused and confusing. I also forget things that happen so now I was wondering if I’d had a serious migraine episode and wasn’t remembering it. Except usually after one of THOSE headaches I wake up with hangover like symptoms, and I really felt fine.

The thing was, I was exhausted the night before. All my late hours had caught up to me with a vengeance. A person can only exist on five hours of sleep for so long until a collapse is imminent. My Honey had band practice so he was gone for the evening. I hadn’t been able to stay awake after I made the kids waffles for dinner. (That’s what I made them to eat. Seriously. Clearly, I’m not to be trusted. I barely function as an adult.) They’d been watching movies, and I’d slept on the couch until he came home and sent me to bed.

“When did we talk?” I asked my mom.

“We didn’t. We were texting.”

This was too much for my first conversation of the day. “Well, I’m fine now,” I assured her.

I meant to look at our supposed text conversation but I forgot about it until later in the day. Once I did, I completely understood Mom’s concern. The conversation could only be called that by the barest definition. I also knew exactly what had happened because it had happened before.

There had been an imposter. An impersonator. An identity thief.

Apparently my 10-year old daughter sounds exactly like me in the throes of an epic migraine episode. I couldn’t be prouder.

Once again, the Sisters have serious concerns about the Dear Abby column.

Specifically, Dear Abby herself.  We constantly find ourselves questioning her advice.  Today turned out to be her worst answer ever.  A lovely lady wrote in about her fabulous habit of eating her dessert first and then her entrée in restaurants while with co-workers.  She felt that even after explaining why she does this there was tension from the group.  She asked Abby if she thought she was being rude.

Abby promptly told her that “Yes” she was being rude.

“How so?” we say.  She’s not asking anyone else to do it with her.  Abby also passively aggressively scalds her for bad eating habits.

Perhaps we are social misfits but isn’t it the other way around?  Isn’t it rude to point out other people’s strange habits?  And why do they care in what order she eats her meal?  We found the whole thing ridiculous and want “Sweet Tooth In Colorado” to know that she is most welcome to dine with us anytime she is in town.  We’d love to meet her and to make her feel comfortable – we’re going to eat our dessert first right along with her!

So there Dear Abby – it’s going to be a revolution.  Let them eat cake!

I’m feeling like we need some pirates.

Fa la la la la… Well, not quite yet, but it’s looming like Scarlet O’Hara – “waiting just like a big spider.” That may be a bit dramatic for our favorite holiday season. Still, you have to admit it’s an intimidating proposition. Before we launch into our Christmas jollies, we thought we should be thankful for what we already have. Tis the season for thankfulness, right? We’re going to give it a shot. Seriously. Here we go – five things we’re thankful for at least until the constant strain of hearing Christmas carols makes us insane.

1. Our Families. We love our kids and our husbands. We’re thankful that they’re in

There but for the grace of God…

our lives to provide excellent blog fodder. They teach us how important it is not to take ourselves too seriously. We talk a big game about getting our own apartment, but we’d miss the jerks. We also have extensive families outside the immediate – brothers, sisters, parents, aunts, and uncles all of whom need serious therapy. That’s how we know they belong to us.

2. Our Furry Kids. Combined we have three dogs and three cats – all of whom match with each other like we planned it. Even so, as you know, we’re always hoping to expand. We’re actively looking to acquire a camel, panda, porcupine, tiger, hedgehog, sloth, quoka, and anything else slow enough for us to catch. Money is no object. Until then, we’ll continue to pay the outrageous veterinarian bills, buy ludicrously expensive prescription cat food, and learn to remove canine stitches. Thankfully they sit on the table and stalk us in the hall. All to keep us entertained.

3. Our jobs. As you know, we work for Bank of No Forks. Our department is not involved in banking – we’d like to make that clear. We work in a secure office building – just a few of us, the best receptionist in the world, and security guards. Yes, security guards. Unfortunately, we’re not

We could work here instead. Ick.

kept busy enough in our jobs so we have a lot of down time.  We’re thankful that we work with the fabulous ladies that we do. We’re thankful that the Goodwill Store near us keeps us stocked in jigsaw puzzles. We’re thankful that there are ample extension cords to plug-in all our hair implements and personal laptops. We’re thankful we have benefits and that we get paychecks when we’re supposed to.

4. Our Health. Despite the aching feet, the blinding migraines, the peeling skin, the massive sunburn, the extensive papercuts, the bruising, the hangnails and the looming bladder

Our secret to good health

infections, we’re healthy. Don’t get us wrong, we do enjoy whining about it. We are excellent complainers and we’re thankful that we have all that health insurance from Thing #3.

5. Each Other. If we didn’t have each other, we’d certainly have been arrested long before now. Worse than having a criminal record, we’d have no one to share it with. That would totally suck. We don’t know much about jail, we’re more versed in bailing people out. Besides, no one thinks we’re as funny as we do. Quite a shame, actually, because we’re damn funny. It’s a good thing we spend more time with each other than anyone else, eh? Saves other people a lot of frustration, that’s for sure.