Wow! Is it ever hot here. Supposed to be 113 here today. What the hell? We thought that was bad until we saw on the news that another city in our state is calling for 129. What the F…! What’s the boiling point of skin? That sounds gruesome, we know, but when you climb into your car and plop your shorts-wearing butt on a leather car seat in a 200 degree car, you’re pretty certain your skin is boiling. At the very least melting. And we don’t recommend hairspray because that’s just gonna catch fire. We recommend you get a good book and a nice a/c vent and don’t move unless it’s time to refill your margarita. Here are a couple of things we giggled about this week.

1. Missing animals. You would not believe how many people contacted us to find out how we’d done it as soon as the news came out that there was a missing red panda from the National Zoo. It’s funny how we were the first many people even considered as the culprits. The little dude has been recovered which means that black Chevy Caprice that’s been sitting outside our office all week can go home and Officer Whatshisface with the Foster Grants will quit following us around Target. Do you want the irrefutable proof that we didn’t do it? Because the person who found the animal – IN THEIR YARD – contacted the National Zoo to pick it up. We guaran-freaking-tee that if that precious baby was in our yard, NO ONE would have been notified. We’d

a gift from royalty

now be the proud possessors of a “funny red dog”.

2. Peridots. Amylynn has never been a fan of her birthstone. Let’s be real – this birthstone looks weak compared to diamonds, emeralds and rubies. It’s like they figured they gave August the best flower (gladiolus) and zodiac sign (Leo) so they’d gyp them on the gem stone. It’s really, really rare to find peridots in an attractive setting. To Amylynn, they always look cheap – like you bought it at Woolworth’s or something. Except this set. This is gorgeous.  In 1816 the necklace, pendant, bracelets, earrings and broach was given by Princess Elizabeth to a lady who’d been charged with essentially babysitting Princess Charlotte so she wouldn’t run off and marry an unacceptable twit. Amylynn’s birthday is a shockingly brief time away. In case you’re still wondering what she’d like.

3. More animals wandering around. Amylynn’s uncle, NewMexiKen who lives in New Mexico had a visitor in his back yard the other day. He wisely chose NOT to do what we would have done and he left the bear alone except for a couple of advantageous Kodak moments. Although, now that we really look at this picture we probably wouldn’t have approached this bear. Especially since NewMexiKen mentioned that she was probably looking for her cub who’d been spotted earlier in the week and was collected by the authorities. Mama bears are not to be trifled with. We’d also like it pointed out that we didn’t have anything to do with the disappearance of her baby.

4. Yet more wild animals. There does seem to be a bit of a theme this week doesn’t there? This is the only wild jaguar wandering around the United States and he’s sorta in our back yard. This is the first real picture we’ve seen of him – isn’t he handsome? The Fish and Wildlife people have cameras set up around the mountains hoping to catch him in action and up to now, we keep seeing pictures of just his tail. It’s a gorgeous tail we might add.  If you follow the jump you’ll see another picture of his face, but we love the colors in this one. Sadly, since he’s the only one, he’s not part of a breeding pair so – at least for now – baby jaguars are safe from our attentions. We’ll let you know right away if that changes.

5. HAWWWWWWWKS! After six phenomenal, nail biting games the Chicago Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup. Game six was crazy. With little over a minute left in the third period and behind by one goal, the Hawks pulled the goalie so they could have an extra attacker. Bryan Bickell score and seventeen seconds later Dave Bolland scored again. It was stunning. Thank you Boston and Chicago for such an exciting series after such a crappy short season. Patrick Sharp – please go shave your gorgeous self. When does training camp start back up again?

Ava’s on vacation in Central America this week.

So I have all kinds of fun things to talk about today. I wrote myself a sticky note and attached it to my computer so I could add to it all day long as interesting things occurred. The very first item on the agenda is Imagination. I have absolutely no idea what  that’s supposed to mean. At least I can read the writing, huh? Maybe as I go through the list it’ll come back to me. I’ll be honest though, I don’t hold out a lot of hope. 

The most exciting thing was that Julia Quinn talked about Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret on Facebook. Ms. Quinn thinks I’m “lovely”. LOVELY! I am. Or at least I believe it now based on her endorsement.

Along the same lines, I’ve received several fan letters. Fan letters. Can you believe that? Me neither. Every time I get one I squeal with glee. How incredibly awesome that a reader takes the time to send me a note. Sigh.

I’m telling you that fabulous purse my 1st book bought me has been one of my best advertising tools yet. I must get seven or eight complements a day on it, and every time some woman says, “Oh my God, I love your purse!” I get to say, “My book bought it for me” which opens me right up to tell them all about my books. Thank you, Michael Kors.

Then, in an outrageously exciting last 50 seconds of the 6th game of the Stanley Cup finals, the Blackhawks won! It was a fabulous series which almost made up for the fact that the season was cut short by that stupid strike.

Lastly, I get this picture from My Honey this afternoon. That is my fat little boy. Look at that belly.

I still have no idea the the note, “Imagination” means. I’ll bet it was the wittiest thing I’ve ever thought. Ever.

Ah well. Look at the kitty again. It’s all good.

Have you ever been on an extended diet? It’s not fun. Even when you’re on one of those diets where you’re really never hungry, you’re still deprived of yummy stuff you want. Half of our office has been dieting together and that has meant four of the pissyest women you’ll ever meet. We’ve all become obsessed with the strangest foods. Our receptionist won’t stop talking about Chipwiches. Are you familiar with Chipwiches? They are the most delightful concoction of chocolate chip cookies with a scoop of vanilla ice cream sandwiched between them. An ice cream sandwich on steroids. She keeps whispering, “Chipwich” under her breath as if to hypnotize us into climbing into the car and driving to the grocery store in a stupor only to return with a case of Chipwiches. While we were losing our minds, we were also laughing at these things.

1. Jimmy’s still missing. It was 38 years ago that Jimmy Hoffa went missing and they’re still digging up yards in Detroit looking for his body. What if they find him? What will they do then? We think it’s really better if we just leave him missing. For several reason but mainly because he will be really icky if they find him now. We’re just saying. And maybe he’s not dead anyway. What if he’s living on a Caribbean Island somewhere enjoying his old age? Regardless of where he is, if they find him, think of all the FBI agents who’ll be out of work? And all those books from the library which will be debunked. This is a cottage industry we’re talking about and we think there are more important things our nation’s police could be doing than looking for Jimmy. Like making the guy a couple of houses down quit riding his motorcycle 75 miles an hour down our street. One more thing – we think Jimmy Hoffa might be a good name for our panda, that way no one will be able to find him if they come looking? Brilliant?

2. Cronuts. Let us introduce you to cronuts. What, pray, is a cronut? This little morsel is the bane of dieters everywhere. The unholy union of croissants and donuts. A frosted, deep fried croissant. No, indeed, we are not messing with you. Here’s the deal. These little beauties have become all the rage in Manhattan. People started lining up hours before they go on sale. Pretty soon scalpers got involved. Now, there is a Manhattan company who will bring you a cronut anywhere on the island for the paltry sum of $100, and a twenty piece set for $5,000. We want to make sure you understand the bakery itself sells them for $5 a piece. We’d also like it mentioned

that our little backwater town has had cronuts for years. You can get them at the Basha’s for $1 and there’s never a line. New York ain’t all that.

3. Liliger. It’s all over. If ever there was a fuzzy creature that could turn our heads from a panda it’s a liliger. This particular liliger was born in a zoo in Siberia. Her mommy is a 1/2 tiger, 1/2 lioness – a liger. Her daddy is a lion. We’ve named her Bernadette. She will be ours. According to Google, the driving time from here to Siberia is around 50 hours assuming you’re going 60 miles per hour. We shall not

A chandelier?

drive 60 mph. That’s ridiculous. There is a liliger on the line. We need to get there while she’s still small enough to fit into Amylynn’s purse.

4. Royal Ascot. It’s been a very long week. It’s hot out and you just want a damn cookie. You think the whole world is occupied with people just as crabby as yourself. Then along comes Royal Ascot. Please, for your own well being, follow the jump and take in the slide show. If we didn’t tell you it was for a horse race, you’d think it was a Dr. Seuss convention. We understand that this event has become an occasion of each person trying to top the next, but a few of these are so astounding your jaw will hang open. Or maybe the whole thing is just a very convoluted way to guarantee yourself more personal space. With some of these hats you couldn’t get within five feet of the woman.

5. Banned from driving. We’ll bet you think this one’s about Ava, don’t you? Nope. The only reason it isn’t is because Ava would never be caught dead on a scooter. That’s a recipe for disaster. No, this one’s about Gerard Depardieu. The French actor has been banned from driving in France because he was so drunk he fell off his scooter and hurt his elbow. Mercifully, no one else was involved in the accident. So now that you know he’s been removed as a menace to sober society, you can laugh at how ridiculous he is. Falling off scooters and peeing in the airplane aisles. Yuk.  It’s a good thing he owns a vineyard because the man takes his wine consumption very seriously.

So while I was stalking my book rankings on Amazon like a obsessive compulsive idiot, I started stalking other people, too. Apparently, I’m not happy cyber stalking only myself.

So I sent a Facebook message to Sue London the author of The Trials of Artemis. I introduced myself as someone chasing her on the rankings and congratulated her on her success. Turns out Ms. London is very charming and generous. You find the nicest people when your being creepy. I don’t think anyone should take that last statement as an endorsement for creepy behavior. I really just lucked out.

Anyway, she invited me to her blog, www.WritingInsight.blogspot.com, so I’m over there today. Come see.

I’m just hoping I mind my manners and don’t embarrass Ava while I’m over there. Maybe she has a puppy.