August 24

We are so ready for this summer to be over. We’re tired of complaining about the heat. We’ve used all our good jokes to death. We’d really like to start complaining about being cold now. The heat makes us irritable but, to be fair, the cold makes us crabby so really there’s no win/win out there. With the attitudes we’re sporting these days and with the way things are looking at Bank of No Forks, we’re considering taking up a life of crime. We know that we’ll eventually get caught. Still the lure of living high on the hog seems like it might be worth it. Besides, when we get sent to jail we’ll get two hots and a cot so that seems acceptable. We’re going to petition for solitary confinement right away. Actually, that sounds too good to be true. Wanna form a gang? Here are our five things this week.

1. Phyllis Diller. No, no, no. We don’t mean that we’re happy she’s dead. Quite the contrary. We’re sorry to see her go. As ladies who are also quick with a quip, we do recognize that she’s practically a mother to us. Besides, some of her one liners we consider gospel. For
   

   clearly NOT a herd of naked republicans

   example, “Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?” That’s what we keep saying.

2. Skinny Dipping. The politicians have been really busy embarrassing themselves all week. We are only going to bring up this one, because it’s funny not un-freaking-believably asinine. The esteemed freshman republican congressman from Kansas, Kevin Yoder, has had to publicly apologize for skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee. Supposedly he was in Israel on a “fact finding mission.” The fact is that very few republicans should be without clothes – swimming or not. That’s just our humble opinion. Never fear, the FBI is investigating. They’ll get to the bottom of this. HA! See what we did there?
3. Penguins – Part 2. We brought this to your attention once before but we’re darned if we can remember when.  Back in May-ish (?) a Humbolt penquin escaped from the Tokyo Aquarium and lived large for 83 days. Now the Sazaka Zoo, also in Japan, is struggling to keep four 3-month old penguins in their enclosure. One of our favorite blogs, Shoebox, said it best, “These penguins have escaped their Japanese zoo three times now, showing that apparently no one at the zoo has seen Madagascar.” Perhaps we should stop sending penguins to Japan? Clearly they are not happy there. They’d be much happier over at our house.
4. Prince Harry. By now you’ve certainly heard that the bonny prince is running amok in Las Vegas. Apparently, not everything that happens there stays there. Not only was he playing strip billiards, but he also good naturedly challenged Ryan Lochte to a race in the casino pool. We suspect Ryan won because, as far as we know, the English Monarchy no longer beheads people anymore. We know that this may shock you, but we have no problem with Harry’s amokness. Isn’t what he’s doing in his job description? He’s the second son with no wife, no real responsibilities and he’s darn cute. We say you cavort away, young man. In fact, we’re hosting a welcome party for some penguins next week and you’re more than welcome to come to our party nude as well.
5. Hippos. You know how the penguins don’t seem to like Japan? Apparently the hippos aren’t that crazy about South Africa either. There have been a couple of reports that hippos are wandering around neighborhoods over there and crawling in people’s gardens and swimming pools. The authorities are hoping the most recent “rogue” hippo will wander back home. We suspect that she wants to get some shopping in. Perhaps she’s on a quest for a swimming suit that doesn’t make her look fat. Good luck, pumpkin. If you find anything, let us know. We’re going to be over that way picking up some penguins, and we’re happy to bring you home, too.