My day in hell

I can’t even tell you how excited I am to go back to work at Bank of No Forks tomorrow. Yes, you read that correctly. I WANT to go back to work.

I stayed home with two kids who were questionably sick. You know what I mean. We were up all night with coughing and sore tummies and more coughing. It sounded like I had two seals penned up in the kids bedrooms. When morning came around we were all exhausted and they were still pitiful so we all climbed back into my bed and we called in sick to school and work.

Sassy drove me crazy all day. She seems to be operating under the misconception that Vicks Vapor Rub and cough drops are magic. She seemed to take it personally when she awoke this morning still not feeling 100%. So all day we watched TV – I made them watch the The Goonies and of course they loved it. That was the high point in a day of listening to the two of them fight over couch cushions, the dogs, my iPad. They fought over who would feed the dog, who got to hold the remote, and, in one magnificent example of sibling adoration, who didn’t flush the toilet. Honest to Zeus, I didn’t care. I just wanted them to shut up.

I went outside seventeen times to see if the mail had arrived yet. When the mail lady finally showed up, I begged her to take me with her but she spouted some bullshit about federal regulations and “mailperson code”. Coward.

At one point I caught The Bandit playing in the backyard with the dogs. Sick indeed. The only time any actual sickness was detected was when the dogs required something and again at bedtime. There was one exciting moment to brighten the day when I actually thought I might have to take them to the emergency room because The Bandit cut his hand – how he still will not disclose so I’m sure it was doing he wasn’t supposed to – and I couldn’t get it to stop bleeding. Eventually, the flow of tears and blood did staunch so I didn’t even get the reprieve of a hospital visit to break of the monotony of their fighting.

When tomorrow morning comes along, I don’t care how much coughing there is, they’re going to school. Come hell or high fever – unless there are body fluids presented, it’s hello school yard.