This morning did not start well. A little boy forgot his homework and his mother broke the cardinal rule of fetching it for him. Of course she wasn’t notified until she was already half way across town. The reason she broke the rule was because his having detention was terrifically inconvenient for her. Don’t worry, she left a very mean note for him with the teacher. Since she was already absurdly late for work, she decided a bagel and Starbucks would make things better. It totally would have, too, except that the chick who made the bagel was in training–or so said the button on her apron–and it took her approximately 27 minutes to spread cream cheese. Then coffee was spilled on a pink sweater. A Raw Sugar packet was dropped into a Venti Latte and had to be fished out. Now her coffee tastes vaguely of paper. No matter how funny these things are today, the cloud has settled. Go ahead – laugh your ass off. Here we go.

1. The main reason we’re not going to Mumbai. There are probably a bunch of reasons, but once the Sisters found out that it’s illegal to eat a steak there the Sisters said nope. Nope. A five-year prison sentence. Seriously. There is no risk whatsoever that we’ll ever become vegetarians. We know that’s incongruous with our deep and abiding love of fuzzy creatures, but it’s the truth. We never, ever name our food and we’re firmly entrenched in the belief that our steaks sprang from Zeus’s loins sliced and wrapped in styrofoam. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. All hell is breaking loose in Mumbai over this issue. The Muslims and the Hindus are getting nasty over it. We know that’s shocking, that people would be fighting over religious beliefs. Wait, it’s coming… It has to be said… Go ahead and grimace… Don’t have a cow, man.

2. Crazy old men. Harrison Ford crashed his airplane yesterday. You probably heard about it. There was a ripple in the Force. It seems that he’s going to be alright, but we freaked out a bit there especially with this coming so soon after losing another old crush. Consequently, we have a few things to say to the gentlemen of Hollywood. Why must you run around like this? Why? Can’t you just be happy watching Netflicks like the rest of the world? What did Calista Lockhart have to say when the hospital called? We hope she reamed you good, sir, because we can’t handle anything happening to Han Solo or Indiana Jones after Spock left us this week.

3. Other places we’re not going. Dateline: Kathmandu. Mount Everest to be exact. Apparently, there is so much human poop sitting around at the base camps that it’s become unhealthy. EWWWW!! Since people have been climbing the mountain since 1953 they’ve been pooping there, too. That totally makes sense, but we have never spent one single second thinking about that. Amylynn has some sort of weird fascination with Mount Everest ever since she read Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer. Ava doesn’t get it because if there’s one thing Amylynn detests it’s the outside. We need to get with Amylynn’s Uncle Lee who’s been to Base Camp and inquire as to his recollections. If that little boy from earlier forgets his homework again, we might send him and a shovel to Nepal for punishment.

4. We love Canadians. And not just because of hockey, but that continues to make us happy. We love them because, although they are quiet up there and exceedingly polite, they are subversively funny. Take for instance the latest trend from North of the border. In a delightful salute to the passing of Leonard Nimoy they are doctoring their five-dollar bills by adding pointy ears, slashy eyebrows, and Starfleet insignia. We love it. We also found a Canadian bill transformed into Severus Snape! Our hearts went pitter pat! We tried it with Abraham Lincoln but it totally doesn’t translate.

5. Glorious, glorious new cars. Ava got a new car!! Carly the Cadillac has been demoted to the kid’s car. Meet Jax the Jaguar. When she sent Amylynn a picture of the magnificent beast, it was merely a pipe dream. All it took was one long week of pointed comments, begging, sighing, threatening, reasonable arguments, and more sighing for the dream to become a reality. Finally Ed said yes. Probably cause he was worn down and tired of hearing about it already. Amylynn can hardly wait to start driving a Jaguar! Wait, you say. Didn’t Ava get the car? Yep! Like we said, Amylynn can hardly wait to start driving a Jaguar!

You know what I hate? Jacked up computers.

You know what I love? Helpful tech people who don’t irritate me and who fix the problem right away.

If you pop back on here, thank you Paul Jayson Flores. You’re a prince among Tech Support! It’s a rare event when I’m not murderous after working with tech support.

If you ever want to really piss off a bank teller I suggest taking a bag of change and dropping it on her counter. Follow that up by saying, “I think I have $11 dollars here.”

Sassy insisted that she wanted to sell candy for school when that soul sucking fund raiser came up. For those of you with no children, I assure you, school fundraisers are the bane of our existence.

Anyway, she came home with a box of 40 candy bars. When the nightmare ended, there were a few dollars shoved in the envelope – no doubt from the few her father and I bought upon her pleading. There was also a crap load of coins in there. Regardless of all of that, I still had to write a check for $29.

I went to the bank because my purse was so heavy I was leaning to the left. I’m certain that shoulder is an inch lower than the other one. If I didn’t cash it in for bills I was going to develop a hump.

The teller gave me a look over her reader glasses, took a deep breath, and started counting. For some reason she didn’t want to take my word for that $11 figure.

Do I not seem totally trustworthy?

I was much saddened to hear Leonard Nimoy died. Spock was always my favorite character. My dad and I used to watch Star Trek reruns on Saturday when I was a kid. Also, we looooooved In Search Of…

So, I was sad. And then I saw this.

Brilliant. Delightful. I’ll miss him.

Amylynn spent a very long, exhausting day traveling from Dallas to Tucson. There was snow and ice and apparently that makes the people of Texas lose their ever loving minds. It took two and a half hours to drive just over twelve miles. Huge sections of the freeway were closed all together. The parts that were still open was often at a stand still. Then the airport was a complete zoo. Still, her flight was one of the last ones that got out of Dallas before they were shut down. Even then, she sat in the airplane on the tarmac for another two hours before we even got in the air. Surprisingly, most people were in a decent mood considering how awful the day was. Amy sat next to an old guy who told her everything there was to know about de-icing planes. Normally, this would annoy the hell out of her, but he was actually pretty cute in an adorably ancient sort of way. She read and

Run llama, run!

entire book in the four hours she sat there. Plus, there were coyotes on the tarmac which was weird. Nevertheless, she’s thrilled to be back in the nice warm desert – where the normal coyotes live. With plenty of time to read the newspapers in the airport, we found lots to report.

1. Animals being free. The nation was apparently captivated when two llamas got loose in Sun City, AZ. We can assure you we’d have been captivated, too. We love llamas. You’d love llamas, too, if you could catch one. That’s the thing about llamas – can’t catch ’em. Who knew that llamas would be so adorable while on a freedom run? During the same week, the citizens in Tilton, New Hampshire were made aware of two horses on a freedom run. Stanly and Aramis got out of their enclosure by hiking over snow banks and over a fence. By the way, we strongly approve of naming a horse after a Musketeer. The owners were notified by telephone that their horses were across the street, frolicking in the parking lot. Once again, the Sisters were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

2. A million dollar ticket to stink. Heard of Burning Man? It’s a delirious festival that happens in the middle of the Nevada desert wherein thousands of people don’t shower for days on end and take a bunch of drugs while setting giant effigies on fire. Or something like that. Anyway, scalpers are selling tickets to it for a million dollars on Stub Hub. We have concerns. If you really must attend this thing, why don’t you just wander in out of the desert? It seems to us that if you really, really want to hang around with a bunch of stinky people there are a lot of cheaper ways to do it.

3. Utah needs some excitement. One of the most delightful things about staying in hotels is that they always give you a free copy of USA Today. That’s the only time we ever read it. It’s got this great section where they list a story from every single state. This is the entire article from the Utah section: During a recent family outing, Kaitlyn Elder, 13, spotted a white deer, the Salt Lake Tribune reported. That’s it. Seriously. Is the spotting of a white deer in Utah similar to spotting a white buffalo? Or a unicorn? What the hell is that all about? Oh, we get it. Kaitlyn Elder was blind and suddenly regained her sight and everyone in Utah knew the shorthand for this story. That’s our working theory.

4. Bringing your own snacks. The airlines don’t feed you any more. Actually, that’s not true. They’ll happily sell you a crappy bagel and a wee red delicious apple for $36. That means people have been bringing their own snacks on board. You know, like sandwiches or cookies. Or like the guy who sat in 13E who ate his fingernails for the entire flight. It was captivating in a completely disgusting sort of way. But then again, he got all kinds of extra protein from his snack and probably has the highest immunity of anyone on the plane since he ingested all those traveling germs.

5. Boarding agents with a sense of humor. These people have to deal with a lot of nasty customers. Not Amylynn of course. She was perfectly lovely to everyone – for a change. The gate agent in Dallas was delightfully charming while he tried to convince everyone to put down their pitchforks cause it’s impossible to kill Mother Nature. Or God. Or whatever god is in charge of ice storms. There at the end the American Airlines guy pleaded for everyone to get on the plane as quickly as possible because if they could pull the plane away from the gate with us on it, we had a good chance of getting out of there. Since that’s what we all wanted – desperately – we got the hell on the plane. And it worked. We were one of the last ones out. Thank you anonymous but cheerful gate dude!

Friday, February 27th is National Polar Bear Day. You know what to do.

I’m languishing in Texas. Maybe that sounds melodramatic, but I fear it’s so. Are you confused? Here’s the definition in case you’re not sure what I mean.

lan·guish

ˈlaNGɡwiSH/

verb

1. (of a person or other living thing) lose or lack vitality; grow weak or feeble

2.suffer from being forced to remain in an unpleasant place or situation.

Here are some impressions I have of my trip and of Dallas, having never been here before:

Isn’t this a gorgeous color?

I made it into Texas, which was a miracle since apparently they were hardly letting anyone in. I’m certain they’ll come to regret it. Primarily because I’ve been complaining about the weather to any Texans who will listen.

So the Avis lady commiserated with me. She’s my favorite Texan so far. I almost got her talked into upgrading me to the Maserati Ghilbli they were promoting at the counter. You know I worked the hell out of that negotiation. Turns out instead she gave me a red 2016 Mustang with 900 miles on

Note all the ice on the car AFTER I drove it.

it. It would have totally rocked if the streets in Dallas hadn’t scared the hell out of me. This coming from someone who’s driven over 200 miles per hour on Homestead Raceway in Florida.

Every time I put my foot on the gas I spun out. Ice everywhere. This from a desert girl who has NEVER driven on ice before. I am in a car that made The Bandit so excited he nearly peed himself, and I’m too afraid to go over 40 miles per hour on the freeway.

To be fair, me and everyone else.

If I don’t break my leg slipping around on all this ice while I’m here it’ll be a miracle.

As part of the new day job, I have to go to Dallas this week. I am not excited. So much so, My Honey is tired of hearing about it already. Ava tried to forbid me from going, but sadly she must be ignored.

In theory, I could get a ton of writing done. I have a new project starting right now. My evenings are my own so that’s a possibility.

I could also go see some movies. I’m dying to see Birdman, especially now that it just won all those Oscars. And The Theory of Everything. And Whiplash. And American Sniper. It seems I don’t get out much.

I also have so much reading I’d like to do.

Sadly, none of these things ever seem to happen on work trips. I checked to see if the Dallas Stars were playing hockey at home this week, but no. Not until Friday – the day I come home. Not even an AHL game. Sigh.

At the very least, the 5 Things this week should be interesting.

Also, I’m missing My Honey’s birthday. I hate that. I love birthdays – even when they’re not mine.

I tried to make a cake for him today. I misspoke. I actually made a cake, it just took longer because I had to go to the store again. I left a pound of butter for the buttercream frosting on the counter to soften. I forgot about it and Roscoe the Idiot Dog let his nose get him in trouble again.

Around 3am he was walking around the house whining. He does this when he’s stolen food and he’s either feeling guilty about it or can’t figure out where to hide it. It’s like he’s begging to be caught. I got out of bed and removed an entire stick of butter from his mouth. Honestly, he seemed relieved. I couldn’t locate the other three sticks however and eventually gave up and went back to bed.

I awoke to piles of vomit around the house, all containing butter wrappers.

Like The Bandit noted, dog puke and butter is the worst possible combination. Roscoe has been feeling poorly ever since. I’d like to say I feel sorry for him, but he got what he deserved if you ask me.

Good news! The Sisters are getting the band back together. Ever since the layoff at BofNF we’ve worked at separate day jobs. (Correction – Ava worked, Amy got a free vacation.) Things did not go well. All we can say is thank the residents of Olympus that we’re not charged per text because the sheer volume of texts has been astounding. We don’t like being apart. It doesn’t go well for anyone. It’s not like we’re childish or anything, but we’re totally childish. We want – nay, need – to be together all the time so that other people aren’t subjected to our craziness. So starting in March, we’re back together in the same office. Let the rejoicing begin. As soon as feasible we’ll be getting the Worlds Greatest Receptionist over here too and the rest of the gang. We’re so excited we can’t even

We are wholly unimpressed with this watch

tell you. You should be excited, too. The stories get better when we’re together. Here’s some more funny stuff for you to ponder.

1. Our jigsaw puzzles weren’t worth squat. When we all worked at the other office of BofNF, we went to the Goodwill all the time to get jigsaw puzzles. While we were there we never saw anything of any real value. Apparently, we’ve been in the wrong Goodwill Stores. A watch collector in Phoenix was wandering around one of the stores and happened upon a rare Swiss watch on sale for $5.99. He sold it to a collector for $35,000.  That crap never happens to us. The watch in question was a 1959 Jaeger-LeCoultre diving watch. The Goodwill would like it pointed out that this

Uhhhh…not what we were expecting

proves there are great deals to be had at their stores. Of course not this good, but we liked our $2 puzzles.

2. This kind of thing always seems to happen in New Jersey. We’re just sayin’, maybe the people of NJ should take a good hard look at themselves. A rabbi in Lakewood has been arrested for running a kidnapping ring wherein a Jewish woman who found herself in want of a divorce from an unwilling husband could have the rabbi and his cohoorts snatch the guy and “persuade” him to grant her a Jewish divorce called a “get”. The tactics involved martial-arts type beatings, handcuffs, and cattle prods. When asked about this torture, the rabbi told the undercover cops, “If [the cattle prod] can get a bull that weighs 5 tons to move, you put it in certain parts of his body and in one minute the guy

These bangs alone are a crime worth jail time for

will know.” JEEZ! So for $50,000 you can have your soon to be ex tortured into submission. The Sisters can think of other people we’d offer up, but we’ve never been this angry at an ex. Nevertheless, we encourage the men of NJ to give their wives whatever they want.

3. On Ice, Ice Baby. Robert Van Winkle, known to children of the ’90’s as Vanilla Ice, has been arrested and accused of burglary and grand theft. He’s been doing “The Vanilla Ice Project” for the DIY Network where he does home rehabs. It seems he was renovating a home next door to an abandoned foreclosure in Florida when the empty house was ransacked. Apparently a bunch of the missing items were found at his work site. So now he sits in jail. Ava is duly upset. She has some bizarre fascination with this guy that Amylynn doesn’t pretend to understand. She wants to make a cake with a file in it to deliver to the jail. Amylynn is pretty sure we can find a better use for a cake. (I like the Vanilla Ice Project. It’s a good house flipping show no matter what Amy says. Don’t listen to her,)

4. Happiness. Look how much happiness can be found for $3.21 at Starbucks. It’s crazy how little one has to look in order to be blissful. A nice Venti latte, breve, no foam and a chocolate cake pop makes the Sisters gloriously happy. It’s kind of sad how easy

We hope we don’t win. We don’t want to ride bicycles.

we are. We’re not saying we won’t take a box from Tiffany, but if your budget is tight, we’re happy with cake pops.

5.The end of the HGTV Dream House contest. Seems a little backwards to be happy about this but we are. Every year the Sisters vow to enter every single day you can in hopes of winning the house. This year, the total prize package is worth over 2 million dollars. Why are we happy the entry period is over? Because the stress of making sure you enter every single day is too much. You can actually enter twice a day which caused even more stress. Somehow, the Sisters convinced themselves if they didn’t enter every day of the contest period they couldn’t win. Which is ridiculous because that would be cheating on the part of contest organizers. But there you have. We entered every day so you’re all invited to Martha’s Vineyard. See you there!