I really wish I was kidding when I tell you that I still don’t have Dave the Durango back yet. I have been promised tomorrow, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up.

So essentially, Dave has been having a hell of a vacation for over two weeks. We began to wonder what the hell he’s been up to.

Since it’s summer and they’re out of school, there have been various rugrats in our office.  Most of the time it’s not a problem, except that we don’t like them really knowing for sure that we don’t do anything around here. When they see that we do puzzles and watch movies then they seem to think they can come all the time. That’s not going to happen. They’d cramp our style.

Anyway, one of the children was here for most of the day. He belongs to Missy and he’s a good quiet kid.

So we thought we’d reward him for behaving himself by letting him go on a frozen yogurt run with us. We personally thought that was a reward. Apparently, his mother was concerned about letting him go anywhere with The Sisters and The World’s Greatest Receptionist. We think she was just concerned with him being exposed to our bad behavior.

Maybe she has a point.

We were loud and obnoxious when we got out of the car, but that’s typical. The Boy hung in there with us because he’s been raised to be very polite. You know the sort–No, ma’am, Yes ma’am.

“Okay,” WGR instructed. “The secret is to go in there like you own the place.”

“Yep,” Ava agreed. “That’s the way it’s done.”

We got in the yogurt line and served ourselves. This is the only place we want this to happen. Everywhere else, we need wait staff. We filled up our cups with yummy stuff and got in line.

Amylynn looked down at The Boy’s cup. There was a tiny dribble of yogurt and a bunch of marshmallows. “What the hell, boy? You get back in there and get some yogurt. What’s wrong with you?” The Boy dutifully returned a second later with a fuller cup. It was still measly. “You have five dollars for ice cream. Use all of it.”

We got back to the office and The Boy told his mother what lunatics we were.

“See that’s how peer pressure starts. They bully you with yogurt and then…”

Once again, The Sisters are a cautionary tale.

We’re pretty sure we’re never getting Dave the Durango back. It’s been two weeks. We’re starting to despair. Amylynn had a conjugal visit last weekend. She left him in the hot parking lot at the mechanic’s. He’s going to cost an outrageous amount. Like maybe selling a kidney will come into play. This makes Amylynn and Her Honey very unhappy. It’s made Ava conflicted. She’s had to cart Amylynn and her kidlets, Sassy and the Bandit, around everywhere they’ve needed to go, BUT Ava’s not actually driven anywhere. She makes

Look! He needs to cuddle.

Amylynn drive (This is true, I get out of the car when I get to her house and make her drive while I ask the children all manner of questions). That’s the part that makes Ava happy. If she won a million dollars the first thing she’d do is hire a chauffeur. Amy just wants Dave back. Here are some things that are funny.

1. Nothing good ever happens to us. We don’t live in Vail, CO. We’ve never visited Antler Lodge, therefore we were not present when the baby moose wandered into the Lodge. He got tired and just lay down on the rug in the lobby. This angers us. Not because there’s a moose in the house. The issue is that NO ONE was brave enough to pet it. NO ONE. The big brave men hid behind the glass and took video. We assure you – if a 1-week-old moose wandered into anywhere we happened to be we’d be touching it. We’d be offering it lettuce and snuggles. We’d be taking him home. What a bunch of pansies.

2. Honeymoon. Surely you’ve heard by now that it’s Friday the 13th, a full moon, and a honey moon. A honey moon is when the Sun is at its highest orbit, thus the moon is at its lowest so it keeps the moon close to the horizon making it appear amber-colored and HUGE. This is really rare. The last time a honey moon happened on a Friday the 13th was 1919 and the next time will be 2098. This calls for celebration. We’re going to rob a bank or something. Don’t tell anyone

3. It’s not our fault. Today is National Blame Someone Else Day. This happens the first Friday the 13th of the year. It’s a free for all! Remember, just because you blame someone doesn’t mean it’s their fault. It’s the bakery’s fault that all those donuts are missing. It’s the mayor’s fault that all those goats got loose.

4. Great lines from movies. We watched the weirdest movie today. You know how you see the cover on a DVD that has a million awards plastered all over the front and you say, “Here’s a good movie!” So you and your friends put it in your office player and all settle around the puzzle table and bring out the Fritos. And then something goes TERRIBLY TERRIBLY WRONG and there’s squealing and you’re watching the movie with your hands over your eyes because an alligator is being gutted and they show you its intestines. The only thing good about this movie was the following line, “I’m sweating like a pregnant nun back here!” That caused a great deal of cackling!

5. Bronzer. The Sisters are white. WHITE GIRLS. We glow. Enough that we could light 3rd world villages. Ava found the perfect bronzer. It’s called Bronze Glow for all you white girls out there and you can get it at Ulta. We bronzed ourselves at work and we’re pretty sure we can now go outside without facing derision.

The Sisters were driving to pick up lunch when Neil Young came on the radio leading to a discussion on armadillos.

Don’t ask.

Since the Sisters will be driving to San Antonio next month, they are kicking around the idea of picking up an armadillo.  Discussion ensued about what they eat (according to Amylynn, it is definitely not Chipotle but some type of bugs and such), whether one can be happily kept in a hotel tub, how does one coax an armadillo into a pet carrier, and are they best kept in pairs?

There was also some talk about the undesirable fact that they sometimes have leprosy and/or e coli. We figured we stock up on Lysol and baby wipes. We are nothing if not responsible.

That’s what everyone says. “Those Quill Sisters are so responsible.”

Texas is hot like our desert home so we think our weather will be okay for our new “kids”.  We’re going to put them in pajamas and berets. If we get two, as planned, their names will be Sven and Hans.

Clearly, some research is in order.

Okay. I’m going to tell you right now that this blog post is disturbing.

If you’re easily disturbed – Look away LOOK AWAY!

You’ve been warned. Alright, here we go.

Way back in high school Amylynn came up with the diet plan that involved voluntarily getting a tape worm. It all seemed logical–lose all kinds of weight while eating everything you want. WIN!

Then things got even better. Now you can get a simple antibiotic to cure yourself of that nasty parasite as soon as you hit your target weight. What could be more perfect?

The Sisters met with Kelli, the errant Sister, at the Church. She was appalled about a website she discovered–purely on accident–(uh huh) that sold tapeworms. You know I got right on there because I had to know.

This is where things get disturbing. This is your second warning. I’m just saying.

The website, which is mostly in Russian, will sell you a tape worm for $34.25. Here is the description:

All eggs guaranteed and fresh.  Collected at Владивосток Vladivostok Soviet prison camp in one liter slurry of liquid human excrement.  Mature tapeworm grows to up to 10 metres.

Please allow 12 weeks for delivery.  Use promply on arrival by applying to salad or uncooked food.  Do not refrigerate.  Contact Col. Dimiti Pushkin for delivery.  Please to accept cash only Euros or American Dollars.  No returns.

Now, if you didn’t read that well enough, I’d like to point out a few highlights. Let’s start with “one liter slurry of liquid human excrement.” What. The. F? Can this really go through the mail? What if it breaks open? All the Lands End catalogues would be ruined! How are you going to explain that to your postal professional?

Also, “Collected at Владивосток Vladivostok Soviet prison camp” gives me pause. Surely this has to be against the Geneva convention. Or any convention. I’m saying with absolute certainty that I have NO wish to be in any prison, but DEFINITELY NOT in a Russian prison camp if this is what’s going on over there.

Also, be aware–“No returns.” Seriously, no returns. WHO THE HELL WOULD TRY TO RETURN THIS? WHO? People are so disturbing.

They have no restrictions on exactly what you can use this tape worm for. They suggest: “Play pretty good joke on friends!” Which frankly sounds Chinese not Russian.

Well, honestly, that is one hell of a joke, don’t you think?

So my father’s been with us for a week now. It’s going pretty well. He’s been sleeping in The Bandit’s bottom bunk. My Honey is pretty sure our hound dog, Roscoe, is going to miss him terribly when he goes home.

I am having one distinct problem though.

I’m turning into Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory.

My father keeps sitting in my spot.

I sit at the far right end of the sofa next to the end table and the lamp. I can use the rolled arm of the couch as a nice spot for my laptop. The end table is piled with my stuff – research books, pens, pencils, notebooks, sticky notes, my broken iPad – the flotsam and jetsam of a writer. I can plug in my laptop and the cord isn’t in anyone’s way.

Apparently, he’s decided he likes it there.

I just got the developmental edits for my second Carina Press book and I need my spot back. I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I can feel it in my nuggets.

Like a lot of people, the Ava Bright family lives in a neighborhood with an HOA.  Generally, HOA stands for “Home Owners Association” but at our house it means “Hunting Obnoxious Anarchist”.  We receive several violation letters a year from the management company because, apparently we didn’t bother to read the 902 pages of covenants, conditions, and restrictions we were given before we moved in.  There’s a whole lot of stuff you can’t do at your own house.  And, more importantly, there’s an old man who drives around looking for this stuff so he can report you. (You can read the actual letter here – vistoso – maybe – we’re technical morons  – give it a shot.) We get lots of letters about weeds.  In our defense, everything looks like a weed in the desert.  We’ve also gotten a letter for violating the height of

Sneaky penguin

the low hanging branches on our tree.  Those branches are not allowed to grow as nature intended – they must be not less than 9ft from the top of the correct color gravel.  Our gravel is the correct color, just so you know. Our latest problem involves a penguin.  We’ve never received a photograph before with any of the letters.  Here it is.  Luckily, the letter specifically addresses the penguin that is in violation – “Penguin in Santa hat under your front window” – just so we don’t mix it up with the other penguins in our front yard.  Isn’t he the cutest penguin wearing a Santa hat you’ve ever seen? Instead of removing him, we’re going to put an American flag bandanna over the Santa hat.  Anarchist unit!

Holy crap on a cracker! It is so hot already and it’s only June.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to stay here if it’s going to be this hot.

We were at the Costco today buying all the bulk items a family of four needs to make it through the week – you know 55 gallons of milk, a side of beef, and 72 pounds of spaghetti.

We decided that the Costco might be the perfect place to live. Every single thing you need is there. A bed, television, books, and all the food in the world.

And the number one reason to live at the Costco is the living room sized walk-in refrigerator. Is it just Arizona where that room is the most

“Embossed” does NOT equal soft. Do not be fooled.

crowded place at the store? All the sweaty desert dwellers are pitching tents in there.

So there we were making our new home in the furniture department. We’d selected a nice, cushy sofa. We moved a mattress over to the frame and made the bed with some lovely damask sheets. We’d made some guacamole and gathered chips and beer. Jeez it was so much better than home.

And then everything was ruined.

They didn’t have any more Charmin, only that crappy Kirkland brand toilet paper. Our tushies deserve soft t.p. so we said forget and just came home.

Before we get to the funny stuff, here’s the sad stuff: One of the Sisters has had very little sugar over the past eighteen days.   A bet of $500.00 was made with a teen daughter regarding thirty days of sugarfreeness, don’t ask.  It’s not pretty.  Okay, Ava’s the sister and Amylynn won’t stop harassing her about how dumb she was to be goaded into such a position by a small girl.  Point taken, Amylynn, now be quiet!  Here’s the fun stuff.

1. National Doughnut Day.  This makes #1 for the week because of course it does.  The Sisters love donuts.  LOVE.  No need to talk about Ava only having a small bite of a Cronut.  You might think Amylynn would not have been involved with the office buying said Cronuts, to help sugar-free Ava out, but you’d be wrong.  Wrong. You also might think it was easy to obtain these donuts, but again, you’d be mistaken. There’s a donut shop on every freaking corner. At the first place there was actually a sign on the door – “Sorry, we’re out of donuts”. At the next place we had to park a block and a half away and there were 47 people in line in front of us for the last three donuts

This story brought to you by Weekend at Bernie’s

in the case. Don’t you think donut places would be better prepared for National Donut Day? Seriously. If not them, then who? We finally had to settle for grocery store donuts. Whatever, a donut is a donut.

2. It’s a Long Drive from AZ to MI.  This isn’t funny but it really is. That kind of happens in the real world, doesn’t it? Seems a 62 year old man was driving with his 31 year old girlfriend and his 92 year old mother from Phoenix to Detroit.  On the trip, the girlfriend died–we know, not funny but hang in there with us for a minute. The driver refused to pull over.  Yup, he drove straight through with her in the front passenger seat

O. M. G! Gross!!!!

and wearing sunglasses.  WTF?  What could the man’s possible excuse have been for such ridiculous behavior?  We bet his mom bitched and moaned the entire way home because she wanted to trade places and sit in the front seat.

3. Man Steals Human Skins.  A man has been charged with stealing over 200 skin grafts while on his job as a medical sales representative.  The grafts were unauthorized and worth over $350K.  The Sisters debated this out for hours.  What was he doing with the skin?  Why did he need so much skin?  We finally came to the conclusion that he’s building a human?  Perhaps he needs a friend?  We hope he’s not hired on at an organ transplant company.  Guard your throats people, guard your throats.

4. Apparently she’s full of s**t. The Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo, has been called out as a fraud by investigator, Ron Tebo. Apparently, she can’t talk to ghosts. The Sisters are so disappointed we might need to eat another donut to get through this. We seriously want to believe in ghosts. We really, really do. Actually, the list of stuff we’d like to believe in is outrageously long – ghosts, aliens, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, a diet that works, and that Elvis is really alive. This is just another nail in the coffin of our rich and vivid fantasy life. If Caputo is a fraud, then the prediction that we’d get a panda bear this year is also probably bullshit too. Damn it. Pass the donuts.

5. Don’t be a punk. There is this fabulous ad campaign in Baltimore bringing attention to animal cruelty. All kinds of sports figures, musicians, and tough guys galore are doing shoots with their pets. The tag line, Only a Punk Would Hurt a Cat or Dog is great and these photos are so charming. Here’s one of our favorites with John Rallo and one of his four cats, Doobie. We love this not only because it’s a cool idea, but there are cute puppies and kitties to squeal at.

Ava and I are always teasing the World’s Greatest Receptionist. She could have been separated from us at birth. She’s very smart, very funny, and cuttingly snarky. We have many similar opinions about a myriad collection of topics. One specific thing that I’d like to note is that she is equally as unromantic as we are (which is hysterical that we write romance novels, eh?).

Not too long ago, she brought up the phrase “Soulmate”. She has a particular animosity towards it. She and her husband even use it as a code word to get out of bad situations.

On Tuesday, Ava and I went to her house during lunch because she’s determined that Ava will help her redecorate her house. I went along for the ride. Any opportunity to get out of the office, you know. They discussed color schemes and sizes of tile and granite and a bunch of crap I don’t care about. My house is a disaster and I’m too tired to care. I wondered around, paused at the refrigerator. and read the things stuck up there.

“What the hell is this crap?” I cackled away in derision and pointed to a the following quote typed up nice and neat and taped to the door.

“My dearest. You are the sun and the moon. You are everything lovely.”

“Why don’t you just add soulmate to it?” I asked and continued laughing. “Where the hell did you get that?”

WGR stopped talking and gave me a deadpan stare. “I got it from you, you idiot. It’s from your book.”

Oh.

Honest to god I had no idea. I don’t even remember which book. Now that I read it again, it’s actually not that mushy and really quite pretty.

I’m such a dork–I’ve been laughing about this for days.