December 20

Shhhhhh. Did you just hear that? Ah, nah, it was nothing. We thought we “heard the pracing and pawing of each little hoof” at Bank of No Forks. It’s also possible that we’ve been hallucinating from our sugar intake. Things are a little out of control over here. We fully expect to  have die-a-beetus by the end of the year. At least we’ll go out with a smile on our face. And won’t everyone be surprised that we die like that and not from being mauled by an animal? Remember back in high school when your English teacher made you write your own obituary with all the things you hoped to accomplish? We assure you it did not contain anything about die-a-beetus or maulings, which frankly is A LOT more interesting than whatever bullshit we came up with when we were sixteen – especially since neither one of us married a rock star. (Amylynn apologies to Mr. Bright – no aspersions meant, but at last accounting he didn’t have Tommy Lee’s bank account, just as many guitars.)

1. Boba Tea. We can’t really explain Boba Tea.  It’s a tea shoppe.  Kinda like Starbucks and coffee but not like that at all.  There’s a cute Panda on the front speaking chinese.  The tea isnt tea, it’s frozen Snow or Milk tea or some fruit juicy stuff.  What makes it hard to explain is the Boba part.  We’re not sure what Boba’s are but they appear to be round gummy bears with no flavor and no color so not like gummy bears at all.  Anyway, we ate/drank the Boba’s and we hope there’s not a bad end to this story . . .

2. Brushfire Ice Cream. Amylynn tasted a sample of this ice cream last weekend and, if it’s possible, she saw God. At the very least angels were singing on high. Right away she texted Ava and expounded on the gloriousness of it. So this week she herded everyone in the car and drove them all the way over to hell and gone to get some. What the stupid people at Brushfire BBQ didn’t mention when they got her addicted to the ice cream was that she couldn’t have any. The stupid store isn’t even open for business yet. WTF?? Why would they give you samples of the best ice cream ever made and refuse to let you pay for some? Why? Santa is going to leave them coal.

3. Harvey the Gerbil. Sassy got honor roll again, so she was given permission to purchase a gerbil. She’s been campaigning for literally months. She has amazing stamina when it comes to a campaign of that sort. She may actually be Napoleon Bonaparte reincarnated. Amylynn was against it because its life expectancy in a house with Jojo Kitty is approximately 13 minutes. Regardless, there is now a gerbil in her room, most likely cowering in terror. So, long live Harvey. We’re pleased to meet you. Sorry about the tiny tiger.

4. The War on Christmas. Really? War? What are they using for ammunition? Glittered ball ornaments? Blow up Santa lawn decorations? That would work cause that shit’s everywhere. EVERYWHERE. War on Christmas. We scoff. Loudly and with feeling. You’d be able to hear us except the freaking Christmas carols in the mall are so loud it would be impossible. We’re not bah humbug by any means, but to modify a line from Forest, “Stupid is as stupid says on Fox news.”

5.Flannel Sheets. You know how they say that people in the desert have thin blood? It’s not a joke. We’re freezing to death down here. It’s raining and 47 degrees. Brrrrrrrrrrr. There’s snow on the mountain. We can see it from where we’re sitting under a blanket on the couch with cocoa. Actual snow. Where we can see it! That’s much too cold for the likes of us. We’re much happier in the 80 – 85 degree range. You guys living where there’s REAL winter are braver than we are. We have no intention of being heroes. Flannel sheets people. With penguins and snow men.