The death penalty doesn’t apply at the gym, sir.

The other morning, Ed and I decided to run some errands together. And by run errands together, I mean have Ed drive me around to do my five errands to his one because I lied and said I had two. I just add-on the others by saying, “Hey, would you mind stopping at one more place?” 3X. Ed and Amy fall for this ploy all the time, and I love them for it. But that’s not what this story is about. This story is about murder.

Our first stop was the pool store which caused me to immediately regret my decision to let Ed drive me around. I hate the pool store and, had I known his errand was the pool store, I would have driven my own damn self around.

To avoid the pool store, I decided I would visit the 24/7 fitness center right next door. Now, before you call me a liar

I wanna be her when I grow up

(Amy) I assure you this is true. Believe it or not, and those of you who have seen me might not believe it, I actually exercise. Being a peri-menopausal woman negates all of your efforts, but I still try. I purchased a rowing machine months ago which has not lived up to its hype on House of Cards. I regret to report I look no closer to being Robin Wright’s twin than I did on the day the machine arrived.

So, instead of buying yet another piece of expensive exercise equipment, I thought I might join a gym and use all of their exercise equipment to no avail for less money. After I entered, a twenty year old boy asked me if I was lost. I assured him I was there to look the place over. He assured me I was in a GYM and not a SHOP. I convinced him to show me around or I would call his mother.

Imagine my excitement when I saw a long row of TVs over the cardio equipment! I will only run if there is a TV in front of me. I asked how to change the channels and was told I could NOT change the channels at all. I asked if this was a communist gym. I’m not certain he’d ever heard of communists. He’d certainly never heard of Ronald Reagan. I suggested he stop hanging around a gym and go to school, but I digress. The boy/man told me to just use the treadmill in front of the show I wanted to watch. The problem with this is that there are only so many treadmills in front of each screen. If you want to watch a certain show but there aren’t any spaces left you have to behave yourself and not push people to the ground. I couldn’t promise this wouldn’t happen, but I did promise to try.

At the end of the tour, I saw Ed approaching the door. Here’s what you need to know about Ed – he is in amazing shape for a fifty-year-old guy. In fact, he’s in amazing shape for a thirty-year-old guy. He comes in and the tour boy is clearly eager to ditch me and help Ed because here’s a guy who belongs in the place. Ed walks over and I say, “Hi, honey, do you want to take the tour?”

And I swear this part is true – the fitness boy looks Ed over and then looks me over and the expression on his face says, “There is no way on earth you are married to this fine specimen of a man and, if you are, he’s going to leave you.” There’s pity in that expression. Ed has no idea this has occurred because he launches into a speech about how I’m the only one in the family who still works out and he wants to get started again. I love Ed.