February 12

Valentine’s Day is looming. We can think of no better term for it than that. Looming like a big spider waiting to trap you into under-representing your dedication and adoration for your significant other. We’re firmly in the camp that Valentine’s day is stupid. We’re not being pessimistic or anything, but we knew VD was a bad day way back in elementary school when some boy we hung our moon on gave us a crappy He-Man Valentine, and we knew deep down it was only in the specially decorated box on our desk because the teacher required that if you have one person a Valentine you gave everyone one. To make it worse he gave the prettiest girl with the

Do NOT pick up shoes on the beach in Canada

perfectly curled hair a Scooby Doo Valentine and maybe even a piece of chocolate. Valentine’s Day is a set up for bad expectations. NOT that we refuse chocolate if offered. We found a couple of funny things to share. Here we go.

1. Something’s afoot. We’ve already brought this to your attention twice, starting back in September 2011. We’re every bit as freaked out that it happened again as we were the first time. If you’re unaware, Vancouver is having the most bizarre problem. Human feet keep washing up on the beach. They’re always wearing tennis shoes with the exception of a few times when they were wearing hiking boots. That’s scary in an of itself. Where it slides into the realm of nefarious is that none of the authorities seem especially concerned that there have been 13 separate feet found since 2007. Where in Zeus’s name are the rest of the bodies? Where? The authorities have said,

This is a pretty damn big alligator to be throwing

AGAIN, that the foot seems to have disarticulated naturally. What the hell does that mean? If limbs are “disarticulating” how come no one ever finds hands? We don’t like it. We’re thinking about heading up there to investigate. And take in a hockey game.

2. What did the alligator ever do to him? In west Palm Beach, Florida a man has been arrested for using an alligator as a deadly weapon and not in a way you’d expect. Apparently Joshua James found an alligator on the side of the road and thought it would be hysterical to through the three and a half-foot reptile through the drive thru window at a Wendy’s. He’s been ordered to stay away from all animals except his mother’s dog, steer clear of all Wendy’s restaurants, and have a mental health evaluation – all of which seems fair. His poor mother is on the record as saying, “He’s a prankster. He does stuff like this because he thinks it’s funny.” Poor woman. You know even she thinks he’s an idiot.

3. Volunteer opportunities. There was an ad in our local paper asking for volunteers for various organizations. They drew us in with a picture of a teeny tiny bobcat being hand fed with a bottle. We thought, Oh hell yeah! Once we read the article we discovered that all that organization wanted was people to plants trees at their site and others to supply kitty litter. If that isn’t a valid representation of a bait and switch scam then we don’t know what is. There was another opportunity from the Ferret Friends, Inc asking for various ferret related items. We immediately thought of signing Ava’s husband Ed up for whatever they needed that involved ferret contact because that man hates ferrets. Then we laughed and laughed cause we’re mean like that.

4. This one might be fun. Even more volunteers are wanted for people to drive elderly and disabled people around – mostly to doctors appointments and such. We thought this could be really fun. We can stick a whole lot of people in Dave Durango. Think of the silliness that could be had. We could get them all to sing 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. If they’re up for it we could even visit a bar. Then take them for their blue hair appointments. It’s guaranteed to be a hell of a lot more fun than mortgages, that’s for damn sure.

5. Yeti? The Sisters are fascinated by all these people running around in the woods trying to find Bigfoot. We think we missed our calling. Can you imagine how hysterical and ridiculous a television show would be of the Sisters tramping around in the woods with Bigfoot hunters? Seriously, we missed our calling and the world missed a great show. We’d never get involved with trying to find a Yeti, however. Getting us out into the woods would be a miracle by itself. There’s not a chance in hell you’d get us in the snow where that Yeti dude is supposed to be hanging out. Fortunately, some skiers in the Spanish Pyrenees took this picture of a Yeti who may or may not be peeing in the snow. Thank you Spanish skiers! You’ve done the world a great service.