Well, At Least It Wasn’t Chickens Down There

My father has terrible hearing.  It has come from a lifetime of using power tools, and it has always been a source of much amusement in my family.  What makes the disability funny is that, no matter what absurd thing my father thinks he heard, he’ll repeat it back to you as if that’s exactly what you did say and, obviously, you’re a total idiot.

I remember one particular incident when I was a kid that has become a long standing inside joke in the family.  It all came about because my father would frequently get too busy during the day and forget to eat lunch.  By the time he would get home from work, his blood sugar would have plummeted and he would be in quite a foul mood. 

On this night he was grumbling around and acting surly when my mom asked him, “Did you forget to eat again today?”

“No!” he yelled back, “I have not been sniffing chickens!”

He only became more angry when we all burst out laughing. 

Now, any time he says something wacky, or someone hears something wacky, we’ll just reply, “He’s been sniffing chickens.” 

Now that he’s had his stroke, he can’t hear and he get confused.  It has led to some very hysterical conversations.

I told you last night, the toilet in our front bathroom was overflowing quite dramatically, but it was too late to do much about it when the plunging proved completely ineffective.  This morning, I called my brother, the plumber, and asked him if he had time to come by and see what he could accomplish with a snake.

He called me later to tell me the horrible news that the toilet was going to have to come up.  “Whatever’s down there is solid.”  Doesn’t that sound ominous?  There was horrifying talk about worse case scenarios that involved pulling up tiles and drilling holes in the floor.

When my Honey got home from work, he tackled the project again.  He took The Bandit aside to see what he could find out.  We all knew that the boy was behind it somehow.  In fact, I am really amazed that this is the first plumbing emergency we’ve had.  I thought for sure, the minute that boy learned how to walk and flush, we’d be pulling miscellaneous items from our plumbing but, so far, we’ve gotten off lucky.

“Are you missing any toys?” My Honey asked the boy in a round-about sort of way.  That’s how you have to approach him with these things.  The direct approach is a HUGE mistake.  If you do that, he’ll say exactly what you want to hear, and you have no idea if you’re getting anything even remotely close to the truth.

“Maybe,” was his cryptic answer.

After much negotiation, we have finally come to the conclusion that the boy is missing either 5, 10 or as many as 12 plastic Army men.  And he is very pissed that he’ll never get them back (shudder).

“Well, they’re Navy Seals now, boy,” was My Honey’s sarcastic rejoinder.

Back to my dad.  I was trying to tell him this story over the phone.  That was my first mistake.  Don’t ever try to tell him anything over the phone.  You can’t yell loud enough and don’t even think about trying to spell the word he’s not understanding – he won’t hear that either, even if he could spell.  But, my father loves hearing stories about my kids adventures, so I try.

“Where’s your Honey?”

“He’s trying to get Army Men out of the toilet,” I told him.

“What?” he’ll say.

I’ll repeat myself – louder and slower. 

“He’s trying to do what?” he’ll ask again.

“He’s getting ARMY MEN out of the TOILET,” I’ll tell him again.

“Oranges?” he’ll say out of left field.  “Who put oranges in the toilet?”

“NO.  AAAAAARRRRRMYYYY MEEEEEEEN,” I’ll say really loud and slow.

“Oh, onions.  That’s funny.  Why would he put onions in the toilet?”

Now I smack myself on the forehead.  “NO! ARMY MEN.  ARMY NOT ONION.  ARMY.”  By this time, I’m yelling.

“Hold on a minute.”  I can hear him messing with his hearing aide.  “What are you yelling at me about.”

“He’s getting Army men out of the toilet,” I’ll repeat for the zillionth time, but this time in a normal voice.  We’ll start from the beginning since now he’s turned his ears on.

“Oh, Army tanks.  That makes more sense.”  Oh Jesus.  I let this go.  At least this time he’s in the ball park.  “Well, then what did he do with the onions and oranges?”

“Nobody did anything with onions and oranges.”  I sigh deeply.

“Why did you bring them up then?”

My Honey is yelling from the bathroom his funny line about Navy Seals. 

There is no way in hell, I’m trying to get that joke across.