This is not a Disney tale regardless of the theme song

The following story was related to me by My Honey this evening in a series of quickly whispered sentences and wild-eyed frantic gestures.

When I went out of town a week or so ago, Sassy caught a grasshopper at her grandmother’s and decided to keep it for a pet.  She brought it home in a jar and, later, they transferred it into a bug house.  It looks a bit like a bird house but the entire top is covered with a fine wire cage so you can see the bug that lives in there.

The bug became known as Hopper and Sassy went out to the yard every morning and selected choice weeds for him to munch.  Hopper was a big, BIG grasshopper and I sort of felt bad for him when I passed by his cage and saw him hanging upside down in there all the time.

Well today, My Honey finally convinced Sassy that two weeks was long enough and Hopper deserved to be set free.  The Grand Bug Experiment was concluded.  I’m sure Daddy really talked it up about how much happier Hopper would be once he was free to jump about in the world again.  He must have done a great job because Sassy agreed.  In fact, when she told me about it later, she made the whole thing sound like her idea.

So My Honey and Sassy took the bug cage with Hopper outside to the flower boxes with a great deal of ceremony.  The hatch was opened and Sassy tried to coax Hopper outbut, perhaps he thought it was a trick because he didn’t immediately leap for his freedom.  A couple of good shakes to the upside down cage and Hopper popped out.

I imagine the grasshopper must have felt a great deal of joy to be out of the cage and gave a boisterous jump.

Don’t you know a giant bird flew down immediately from the telephone wire and snatched him up mid-hop.  My Honey stared up into the sky, glanced back at Sassy and thought only one word: F   *   *    K!

“Daddy, did that bird…..” Sassy began, her hand over her eyes to shield it from the sun.

Her father interrupted her before she could get the thought completed. “Nooooo.” He shook his head vigorously.  “No, Hopper got away. He’s very happy hopping along out here in the wilderness.  Let’s go back inside.  Right now.”

Of course, if I was a good mother I’d sing The Circle of Life or some other bullshit but that’s not my immediate

Happy puppies who are just dying to live at my grasshopper-free home

 thought.  If My Honey would just let us have a puppy, there wouldn’t be any need to subject innocent bugs to interment camps and desperate freedom runs that end in heartbreak for the bug and a gourmet feast for some damn bird who will then immediately take a crap on my windshield. 

No puppy = no one happy.

Puppies almost never get carried off by pigeons. It’s a scientific fact.