This little piggy . . .

Amylynn is having a foot issue.  It’s been so bad, she went to the doctor to complain about it.  She was immediately sent out for x-rays.  The x-rays were immediately sent to the podiatrist.  Amylynn dutifully made an appointment with the 95 year old nurse there, who kept saying “Oh Dear” every time Amylynn tried to give her information to make the appointment. ***Note from Amylynn – my head finally exploded and I faxed her a copy of my insurance card because we’d already been on the phone for 15 minutes – to make an appointment, for Zeus’s sake. It only got worse. I showed up with the X-rays. She took them and said, “Oh, X-rays” then promptly lost them on the five second journey from the lobby to the examination room, then professed to have no idea what I was talking about. Then, while I was reading a magazine with my foot up in the air, she kept sneaking into the room and reading the magazine over my shoulder. Weird. And annoying. Mostly annoying. She kept asking me what the doctor was going to do. How the hell should I know? Honest to God, it was mind boggling.

Anyway, today was the day.  Amylynn was kind enough to text me a picture of the 95 year old so I could laugh.  Things didn’t go well right from the start.  First, she had a fever of 100.4.  Back story: Amylynn asked me to go with her. (Full disclosure – she generally goes with me on all of my appointments because she’s a great sister unlike me.) I refused because IT’S A DOCTORS OFFICE for god’s sake and we all know I don’t visit doctor’s offices because sick people go there.  I actually almost said yes because she almost had me convinced that sick people don’t go to foot doctors.  Only people with non-contagious foot ailments go to foot doctors – she insisted. Fever?  I guess sick people go to the foot doctor after all Amylynn!  And clearly, you sat next to one of them . . . ***Amylynn again – I have no idea why I had a fever. None at all. I DO NOT have Foot and Mouth disease.

I texted her – Ask the doctor about all of the loose feet that keep showing up in the lakes in Canada, I’ll bet he knows something.

Next, she comes back to the office with her foot all wrapped up with plaster and tells us the horrifying story of a needle in her foot and how the

That little ghosty thing is causing RIDICULOUS pain.

doctor said when the shot wore off she’d want to lie on the floor crying and she should just go with it. ***Guess who. That is indeed what he said. He was very funny for a 97 year old podiatrist. While he was stabbing my foot with the 12 inch needle he strongly suggested that I breathe. When I asked how come my left foot didn’t hurt but it’s X-ray was just as bad he shushed me and whispered that I shouldn’t say things like that out loud because the universe can hear me. He’s my kind of doctor.

Just the thought made me nauseous, really.  The only thing that got me through that moment was Amy saying the doctor wants her to wear orthopedic shoes for, like, the rest of her life!  That made me laugh.  Amy has a shoe fascination and some very cute footwear.  I immediately jumped on the internet to see what was available and then laughed some more – Amylynn is not ever going to wear any of those shoes, ever.

In the end, I just made her go home early because I’m not good with crying people and I thought it best that she lay on the floor at home when the pain started so that her lovely husband could deal with that instead of me. ***One more – I came home with a sorta casty thing on my foot I have to leave on for a week. Between it and the SHOT of DEATH, I’m a very unhappy camper. 

Sadly, I don’t think she ever did ask the doctor about Canada . . .  ***Me again – I did ask him. He looked at me weird and then refused to prescribe pain meds. Thanks a lot, Ava.