April 12

What do you do when you’re bored? I mean really bored. For like nine hours in a row. For five days in a row and periodic Saturdays? Do you cry? Do you rage against the machine? Do you devise evil plots to take over the world? Become experts on obscure points of international law? Do a whole hell of a lot of internet shopping?  Or just pray for sweet death? We’ve done all that and it didn’t help. Fortunately, there is funny stuff in the world

Imagine this with a microwave hat

and we seem to find an inordinate amount of it all. The good part is we share this stuff with you. Well, that and we’ve not been arrested by the FBI -yet. Here’s what we found this week.

1. Escape plans. Here was the headline: Hurled microwave misses SWAT robot. “What prompted that?” you ask?  It seems an apartment complex manager was trying to evict some guy from his apartment when a ruckus broke out. Then shots were fired. Of course, they were. Shots are always fired. That prompted the SWAT team to arrive and evacuate the building. When a woman in the apartment under surveillance broke out the front window with a shotgun, the police sent in a tactical robot equipped with a camera. Here comes the good part. “…as the robot approached the door, the woman exited with a microwave and threw it at the robot.” Who looks at everything in their house and picks a microwave as their weapon of choice? That’s weird, right? The very last line in the article states, “Charges were pending.” We can only imagine.

2. Brilliant scientists. They’re getting closer and closer to cloning extinct animals. In 2003 they made a Pyrenean ibex. It didn’t live long but they still did it and that was 10 years ago. Before you know it, they’ll have woolly mammoths. This is what we think is going to happen. The scientists are going to be looking for nice people to cuddle, love and raise these animals. We’re going to be on the top of that list. Not for a woolly mammoth necessarily. Those are very big and we think everyone will notice. But the Thylacine, sometimes called the Tasmanian tiger, is on the short list for replication.  Those little cuties are the size of a big dog. That’s what we plan to tell everyone it is when they ask. You may be getting a request for a letter of reference soon. We’ll make it worth your while.

3.Bacon Breath. The funny fellows over at Scope announced they were coming out with bacon flavored mouthwash. Everyone went berserk. Then it came out that the whole thing was an April Fool’s day prank. It sure was funny while it lasted though, huh?

4. KISS/Hello Kitty. The whores over at KISS have made an unholy union with the chaps over at SANRIO and the progeny is four Hello Kitty figures with KISS makeup starring in their own cartoon. They will be spreading “pink anarchy” all over television sets soon. We have no idea how much money Gene Simmons, the executive-producer of the show needs to make before he dies, but apparently it’s a considerable amount. Rock on, Gene.  Ava here – I love KISS and Hello Kitty.  What could be better than KISS and Hello Kitty combined?  Amy is wrong about the money part.  Gene Simmons is doing this exclusively for me – I just know it.  Thanks, Gene.  Big KISS!

5. General Hospital. We don’t watch soap operas anymore but we fondly remember entire jr high school years that were wholly consumed by General Hospital and Luke and Laura. Their pending nuptials were the high point of our lives at that age. Looking back at that monstrosity of a dress Laura wore in the wedding – Jeesh, you could house an entire pygmy village in there. General Hospital just turned 50 years old. Can you freaking believe that? Us neither. We’re old. Not too old for Hello Kitty, though.