NEW RELEASES
I can’t afford bail but I can afford kitty chow
I have found the secret to staying out of prison. Obey the law, you say? That sounds really elementary and, of course, I’d agree with you – mostly. Sometimes, though, days just progress so awfully that not slapping the crap out of someone seems too much to ask.
Today was just one of those days.
It started out bad with Sassy and The Bandit. The fact that they were still alive to go to school was testimony that I didn’t want to go to jail.
Then Bank of No Forks tortured me for nine solid hours. Nine excruciating hours of grief and pain. Of customers
wrapped in my sweater and asleep on my desk blotter
alternately screaming or crying at me. There is only so many times you can say, “Ma’am, you’re going to have to stop screaming at me if you expect me to be able to help you” before you lose your freaking patience.
I’ve never been long on patience under the best of circumstances.
The only thing that kept me from going completely postal today was Jojo. The Kitty Extraordinaire has been coming to work with me every single day. Granted, he mostly sleeps all day – he is a cat after all, just a very, very wee one – still he is in my office. Looking cute. Except when he’s looking adorable, which is very, very good when the world is out to torment me.
He’s so calming we’ve considered calling the customers we can’t help to come down to the office and handing them the kitty before we share the bad news.
“How you doing today, Mrs. Smith? Well, you’re not really as good as you think. Here hold this tiny kitty and we’ll discuss it.”
It’s really hard to slash someone with your homemade shiv when you’re holding a teeny tiny purring machine.
As if being forced to go to the Bank of No Forks wasn’t enough, I had an appointment with the lady doctor today. I really like my doc but who wants to deal with that when you’re already in a mood? I can easily go years on end without having my feet up in stirrups. Regardless, I went. I did not bite her when she suggested that a little more exercise would be a good idea. Do you want to know why? Because of the itty bitty kitty.
When the lady at Wendy’s gave me attitude and refused to give me regular cheese instead of pepper jack cheese on the avocado chicken sandwich I ordered, I did not scream at her and lunge through the drive-through window. I thought of wee Jojo.
And when the windshield repair people gave me a window (hahaha – I didn’t mean the pun, but there it is! Window!) of 11 – 5 for my replacement, I considered various swear words to properly express my opinion but a little tiger was tickling my feet under my desk and I swallowed my vitriol.
We don’t know how thrilled the captains of industry who run BofNF would be knowing about Jojo, but if they’re smart they’ll find fluffy little beasties for every single one of our offices to keep their people mellow.
What’s your secret that keeps you from killing your fellow employees? How about the idiot at the fast food place who can’t get your order right? Is the threat of hard jail time a deterrent or do you ponder how lovely solitary confinement sounds? What animal do you fancy under your desk? We suggest fuzzy but a small dragon might also come in handy. What would you do with a dragon? Hmmmmmm?
Adorable and strangely odd
This is "downward facing dog" bwhahahahahahahaha
Because I know you all care, Internet, I’m gonna show you some pictures. You’re going to like them. They’re funny.
This is Winnie. I swear to Zeus, this picture is not posed. She is sound asleep here, and I didn’t disturb her because I wanted to see how long she would stay like this if undisturbed. I was sitting on the end of the couch when she slithered down to the floor. She left her back legs and butt on the cushion but her front legs and head rested on a blanket on the floor. She stayed that way, doing an outstanding impersonation of a Slinky, for twenty minutes before she slipped the rest of the way to the 
floor.
Odd, right? Do note, however, that she’s a lovely, glossy black and that’s she’s really getting big at six months.
This tiny little pumpernickel is Jojo. This picture really gives you some perspective of just how tiny he is. He’s laying on my laptop, his head is resting on the little mouse square. He’d just finished viciously stalking a fly, my wiggling toes and jumped and flipped around like a maniac for several
exhilarating minutes. Like most babies, he goes a million miles an hour and then just drops into a coma. An adorable coma.
Just in case you wondered how Roscoe the Idiot Dog is doing, here’s a reminder. All is still well. He’s still completely bonkers.
You know you have them and you’re dying to share with us. Tell us about your weird/cute/questionable pet story. What nonsense are they up to these days? Send pictures. We love pictures. We’ll share them with the whole internet. Puppies (!) and kitties (!) everywhere! Look at all the exclamation points!
Just So You Know . . . our Voodoo doll has interchangeable heads and we’re not afraid to use it.
Just So You Know . . . we don’t know what May Day is for but we’re certain it’s a national holiday . . . somewhere . . . so we’re going home.
Our new career
It dawned on me the other day that I should stop complaining about the “Bank of No Forks” and find some other type of gainful employment. I made a list of things I’m good at:
Complaining, cleaning/laundry, mortgage underwriting, handmade jewelry, taking care of small animals, scaring ghosts off – not a complete list but a start . . .
Complaining would be great but I can’t find anyone who pays for that, there’s not enough money on the planet for me to clean or do the laundry of someone I’m not married to or didn’t birth, mortgage underwriting doesn’t pay enough to support me anymore and jewelry making never did, I didn’t go to school to be a vet so the small animal thing is out – that leaves me with scaring off ghosts. I ran that by Amylynn since she’ll be going with me. She was a wee bit skeptical at first – “You need to revisit that list or make a new one, crazy sister.”
I convinced her with my Craig’s List Ad:
Have an unwanted ghost at your house? Hire us, Ava Louis and Amylynn Bright, to rid your home of all disembodied spirits of dead persons. Excellent track record of scaring all types of ghosts from ever bothering you again. Don’t spend another minute afraid in your own domicile. $1000.00 per removal plus travel expenses if needed. Full money back guarantee if not fully satisfied.
“Well, you do have that ability, it’s like a superpower.” Amylynn grudgedly admitted.
Indeed it is. I have never been to any purported haunted place in my life and seen a ghostly anything. Not once, ever. I’ve had the curators of haunted museums apologize for the lack of ghostly activity while I was there. I’ve eaten delicious homemade nut rolls in the kitchen of a haunted house where bread was supposed to fly everyday at 4:00PM off the top of the fridge and nothin’.
I’ve actually been blamed for making ghosts disappear – as if I’m the frightening one! Okay, well maybe I’m frightening to the living but certainly NOT to ghosts!
I think I’ve found our new career . . .
Tell us what great super power you have – don’t be shy, we can hardly wait to hear about your talents!
Just So You Know . . . this morning when we left the house we thought we were in control of our sh*t but it really turns out we should never have left the house.
Just So You Know…anytime the opportunity arises to get coffee, get it – you never know what hell is right around the corner.
This blog
May is our third anniversary. We’ve published 1,273 posts, not counting this one.
Ava and I are often certain the only people we write this for is ourselves, various family members and one or two fans we’ve picked up along the way.
We treasure you fans like nobody’s business.
Still, it is a LOT of work for a small return – something that we’re certain many bloggers feel. It’s a damn good thing I really love writing and that blogging is a perfect outlet for my nonsense.
We have no intention of closing down, but we’ve spent the last several months intensively learning everything we can about blogging and growing an audience. This weekend we met Kristen Lamb and, honest to God, angels wept. We think she might have all the answers.
Prepare yourselves, faithful readers, for some changes. First thing up, is a complete retooling of this site. When we designed it three years ago, we had no idea what we were doing. With our new education, we have lots of ideas. We think you’ll like the new look. We’ll keep you posted.
Also, the content will be undergoing some changes. Never fear, it’s still us and we seriously doubt the irreverence will be minimized in any way. There’ll still be the absurd stories and shenanigans and such you tune in for, just MORE interactive opportunities. Hang in there with us while we experiment. We’re certain you’ll be happy you did.
Stay tuned…….
We’re really, really excited.
What big changes have you made lately? Did they work out? Was it worse? Did the heavens open up and send you buckets of happiness? Or did we get that much closer to the zombie apocalypse? If you had a genie bottle and could make any wish in the world, what would it be?
April 27
Well, well, well. Here we are. Imagine us bobbing our heads. The Sisters talk, a lot. Anytime none of us has anything to say, it’s sort of monumental. We all might be brain dead after the week we’ve had. We did notice that our five things are heavy on the animals and light on the desserts. That calls for a run to the bakery. Check out these five things, we’ll be right back.
- Starbucks at Disneyland. The Mouse and the purveyor of glorious
caffeine beans have inked a deal. If there was one thing Disneyland needed it was non-fat frappuccinos and venti lattes with a double shot. Can you imagine Splash Mountain with all those singing animals and manic music! Or Fantasy Land where all the rides are lit with black light? Who needs hallucinogenics? Yea! Starbucks! Everyone has the first place they always head the minute they get in the front gate. For Amylynn, it’s always Pirates of the Caribbean and it always has been. For Ava it’s the Matterhorn. Kelli has not been properly indoctrinated with Disney but now that there’s a Starbucks we’ll bet 
we can lure her in. M.I.C.K.E.Y.M.O.U.S.E. - Normal hairdressers. After suffering through an undeniably crazy hair person, we were delighted to find a normal one. One who hasn’t had every single disease known to man, doesn’t have wonky self body images, and doesn’t look like she was brutally attacked by a box of Crayolas. She did good hair, but a gal really has to draw the line. Our new girl? LOVELY! The Sisters are always wondering why we’re surrounded by so many crazies so every normal person thrills us beyond belief. And she does great hair. Bliss.
Ahhhhhhhh
- Jojo. The Wonder Kitty. The cutest damn thing in orange stripes. We’ve fallen madly in love. So in love in fact, that Amylynn brings him to the Bank of No Forks every day. Honestly, when you’ve been tortured by your employer beyond all reason, nothing makes it all better faster than kissing the fuzzy, polka dotted belly of a warm kitty. He’s the perfect office pet we’ve been looking for and all the Aunties in the office adore him. You should get yourself one. Not ours, of course. Find another fuzzy little friend.
- Woolly mammoths.They’re cloning them. We want one. A wee woolly mammoth
Only picture it with a fuzzy elephant instead
we’d name Walter or, if it’s a girl, Beatrice. Now some might say that it is unwise to clone an animal so much bigger than your average scientist. We don’t have a problem with it. You see, the Sisters are firmly convinced no matter what animal we’re given, we’d ruin it by loving and cuddling and snuggling it into submission. A panther? No problem. Name it Farley and kiss its tummy. All will be well. We’re not even worried about the woolly mammoth shedding, which we’re assuming it will. It’s right there in the name. We’ve preordered the Louis Vuitton Mammoth Carrier to go with the rest of our luggage.
Run, Byrdie, run!
- Puppies running amok. Apparently a Rhodesian Ridgeback named Byrdie got loose from its carrier this week and escaped the plane she was supposed to be on. She gave the airport personnel a merry run for their money, basically shutting down La Guardia Airport by running all over the runways and sitting defiantly in front of the jets. They finally had to get the owner off the plane to corral her dog. That wouldn’t have worked with the dogs at our houses. No one ever listens to us regardless how many legs they have.
