Isn’t it amazing how stupid our children think we are? I’m certain this happens with every generation, but now it’s happening to me so it’s relevant. I’m positive my children think I’m the stupidest person alive. The crap they come up with is mind-boggling. Like I have no idea why Sassy would need fifteen napkins during dinner or why she needs to take so many trips to the bathroom while we’re all at the table or why the dog is always under her chair at dinner.

The boy tried to tell me he needed to buy Matchbox cars while we were in Target as part of a homework assignment.  You know, it was the same way when I was in first grade. These darn teachers are always demanding we get all kinds of nutty things. Several weekends ago it was art projects for Sassy that had to be done RIGHT NOW.

Then of course there’s the more pedestrian bullshit lines about how they’ve brushed their teeth already or fed the dogs. The Bandit is forever telling me he isn’t smuggling food in his pockets. Of course, neither of them were eating Cheese-Its in my bed or broke the blinds in the bedroom or threw wet towels on the bathroom floor.

Of course, they washed their hands in the bathroom. Sure they did their homework. No, it wasn’t them who stopped up the toilet or threw all the empty Band-aid wrappers all over the floor.

Apparently, we have the most obnoxious poltergeists in the world.

I”m watching Worst Cooks in America on the Food Network while I write this tonight. You all know that cooking is not my stong suit. I’m watching this mostly because it makes me feel much better about myself. My problem is more that I lack concentration. I’m a multitasker. That is fine if the things you are doing are all related to cooking your dinner. It doesn’t really work so well when the things you are doing besides cooking are crossword puzzles, reading a book, responding to emails, or texting.

HOWEVER – these people on this show are horrifying. How horrifying are they? One woman was thrilled when she figured out how to unlock the tongs. Another couldn’t figure out how to use a pepper grinder. She just kept shaking the hell out of the thing until, entirely by accident, she turned the top and pepper appeared. At the beginning of the show, one woman admitted sending her husband to the hospital because no one had ever told her she couldn’t leave meat out at room temperature all day. Oh. My. God.

At first you think these people must be kidding, but as each of them have an epiphany it’s apparent that they really have no clue.

You’d think they wouldn’t have to tell them not to run or jump around with a butcher knife, but no.

Although one person did say something so funny I would have given anything for it to have been mine. Bobby Flay was teaching them how to cook tofu (ick!) and one guy said, “I eat meat. You know, something with parents.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That would have made a great In Our Humble Opinion. I wish I hadn’t told you about it.