Let’s be honest. Don’t we all work with someone just like Animal? Sometimes it feels like we’re surrounded.

No matter what you think you know, Ava will assure you she is not sick. What she has is allergies. “Allergies!” she’ll yell at you. You won’t be convinced because while she’s yelling at you her nose is running and her voice is raspy with congestion. Then she’ll immediately commence coughing. Sure, she’s not sick. ***Eyeroll*** Amylynn’s been trying to get sick so she can stay home from work, but it’s not working out. She’s drank from Ava’s cup, used her straw, nibbled off of her cupcake. No luck. Fit as a fiddle, unless you count a bad attitude. That’s flourishing without the help of bacteria. Anyway, everything is pretty much the same as usual with the Sisters – denial and bad attitudes. Check and check. Here’s some of the funny things we found this week.

1. We’ll keep this in mind. A man was bow hunting in Montana when things went horribly awry. Don’t worry; he’s recovering nicely. Recovering from what? A bear mauling. Guess how he saved himself. No playing dead for Chase Dellwo (whose name doesn’t have enough letters). Nope, when faced with a 350 – 400 pound male grizzly who promptly knocked him off his feet and bit his head, Chase thought of his grandmother. Grandma had given him an article a long time ago that stated large animals have a bad gag reflex. So, while the bear was biting his leg and tossing him in the air, Chase decided to give the theory a try. He then shoved his arm down the bear’s throat. Seems counter productive, but it

Suitcase with money, buried in ground, elevated view

worked. Chase now has stitches and staples in his head. It seems like this is something that could someday happen to the Sisters. Amylynn votes that Ava prepare her arm the next time we head into the woods. Hahaahahahaha. We never go into the woods.

2. Some people deserve to get caught. Let us ask you a quick question. If you and a cohort were able to rob a bank – let’s say it was an inside job and you worked for the armored truck company – do you think you’d be so pedestrian and uncreative as to bury the loot in your yard? Really? Two idiots and one wife (who clearly didn’t think things through when she got involved with these bozos) robbed the armored car they drove of 1 million dollars from Bank of America. The FBI found $600,000 in 100s and 20s in a plastic bin, wrapped in plastic and duct tape, buried in their yard. We are 100% certain if the Sisters ever attempt something like this we’d find somewhere WAY better to hide it than in the stupid yard. We’re not telling you WHERE we’d hide it, but its way, way better.

3. A real role model. A lady in Indianapolis discovered a home intruder. Did she shriek and cry? Maybe, but she also kicked his ass. Karen Dolley is a 43-year-old woman who we imagine surprised the crap out of the intruder when she threw punches at him until he was cornered and then she “subdued” him with a Japanese sword she keeps near her bed. She learned how to fight when she participated in events with the Society of Creative Anachronism (renaissance fairs and such). Also, mentioned in the story as a bit of a side note, she skates with a roller derby team. We suggest that the criminal community post Ms. Dolley’s address on their bulletin board and steer clear. Rock on, Karen!

4. Wait for it. A couple of years ago we talked about the four lion cubs who were born in our zoo. It was super exciting. We’re very sad to report one of the lions died this week from Valley Fever. It’s a dreadful disease and losing the baby is horrible. OK, you say, when does this get funny? For god’s sake we don’t read this blog for depressing dead lion stories. Jeez. We present you this picture. This is all four of the siblings. We’d like you to note the lion on the far right sitting on his sister. Or brother. We don’t know. We don’t know which one of these is Bakko, but we hope it’s not that goofy one. This is such a great show of how siblings treat each other – whether human or feline. There’s always one of them sitting on someone else.

5. HOCKEY SEASON!! It has begun! Amylynn’s team is doing awesome! There is happiness and joy! YAY!!!!! Also, there is nothing funnier than hockey announcers. They’re almost 1/2 the fun. Just the other day one of them said, “He’s firing muffins at the net.” BAHahahahahaahaha. That’s good stuff.

Our regular job had a whole new phone system installed and today was the day of the actual switch. It was several months coming and the change was epic.

At noon things started moving.

By the time Ava and I came back from lunch, the new phones with their spiffy computer screens and flashing lights sat hunkered down on our desks. Even though we’d been in a training class for it, we’re totally intimidated.

It kept making noises–strange beeping and musical tones–especially when I wasn’t even touching it. And randomly paging people. All of a sudden someone would be saying, “Amy? Amy?” and before I could pick up they were gone. Mysterious.

It took my fifteen tries to figure out how to dial out. Add nine? Don’t add nine? Oh yeah, add the area code. Dammit add the nine too. BAH!

You’d think the voice mail system would be fairly simple, but I don’t know what the hell was going on there. The blinking lights merely mocked me.

Tomorrow is Friday and hopefully that means another day of telephone hijinks. Honestly, we could use the laugh.

I saw this on Facebook. Our writer friend Alica posted it and it might be one of the best news stories I’ve ever read. I was going to save it for Friday and use it for one of our Favorite Things, but I couldn’t wait.

Seriously. Best. News. Story. EVER.

The first line is possibly the finest line in journalism ever written.

Prepare yourself. Here we go.

A former meerkat expert at London Zoo has been ordered to pay compensation to a monkey handler she attacked with a wine glass in a love spat over a llama-keeper.

Am I wrong? Doesn’t that roll off your tongue like poetry? Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written anything more majestic.

It follows up with the some boring stuff and then wraps up with this little gem.

Westlake [meerkat expert] had claimed that Sanders [monkey keeper] punched her first, and said she did not remember hitting her colleague with the glass.

She was fired by the zoo after the incident.

Well, the firing is a shame. Think how exciting the news story following the Christmas Party would have been.

Oh dear. Honestly we can safely say that every single baby animal is so cute it hurts.

My Honey had band practice on Saturday and Sassy was involved in a sleepover. That left me and the Bandit alone to come up with someway to entertain ourselves. I thought we should do something that didn’t involve what we usually do together: fight over homework or the state of his room.

I thought a nice date would be perfect.

I got us tickets to see Hotel Transylvania 2 at The Roadhouse Cinema. He’s never been to the Roadhouse and I thought he’d really enjoy it. It’s one of those theaters that has the leather reclining chairs and serves a full menu.

We got there early and found our seats. He was pretty impressed by the chairs even before he sat in one. When I showed him where the electronic switch was that reclined the back and lifted the legs he looked at me in awe. “Why aren’t we always at this theater?” He then proceeded to go up and down approximately fifty-two times, which is actually twice less than the amount of times I did it on my first visit.

He was even more impressed when the pretzel with cheese and mustard sauce arrived along with chocolate popcorn. The concept of pushing a button to summon a waiter was like an epiphany in the theater going experience. “Push the button again. Tell them to hurry up with our sodas.” I fear that if my son goes to this theater too often he’ll turn into Napoleon.

Another bright spot was the preview for the new Peanuts movie. Personally, I can’t wait. I have a real soft spot for Woodstock and Schroeder and Linus and Pigpen. I’m pretty fond of Marcie and Snoopy and The Little Red Haired Girl, too. And all the music.

Our movie was funny, although The Bandit found the first to be funnier. What I enjoyed was trying to figure out the all the celebrities doing the voices.

And my chocolate popcorn.

It’s been a tough week. Ava was out of town visiting all of the colleges in the northeast that the boy who lives at her house ever thought he’d consider, no matter how remotely he even wanted to go there, or if they even have his potential major or not. Some of the colleges Ava dismissed out of hand based on their mascot. Did you know the Princeton Tigers don’t even have a real tiger? We don’t have time for that kind of tomfoolery. Meanwhile, Amylynn held down the fort at work, all the while hoping Ava would get the Sisters enrolled in any college so they wouldn’t have to do mortgages anymore.  While you’re waiting for us to leave you for college – pull up a school desk and study the following:

1. Maryland Crab Cake. No, that’s not a new kind of cake. We mean real crab cakes.  With crab. No cake. Ava discovered the best crab cakes in the world at an amazing crab cake stand in Baltimore called Faidley’s. Ava is usually suspicious of crab cakes unless she made them.  People will put all sorts of things in crab cakes that don’t belong in there but these crab cakes were perfect! They contained crab and spices, no peppers, onions, bread crumbs. Nothing but sweet crab.

2. The Museum of Visionary Art. WOW. All of the art in this museum is non-standard. You won’t find any of it in your average run-of-the-mill Metropolitan Museum of Art. There is art made solely from the threads of socks embroideried into tiny 2 inch by 2 inch incredible works of art by a man who was in prison for years. There are two floor length crocheted capes in orange and black granny squares by an autistic woman who was a knitting savant. The entire Bright family sat in the pie hole of god for a performance of light raining down from the roof of its mouth. Go see this museum for yourself, you won’t be sorry.

3. Yale Campus. Ava wasn’t sold on Yale for the boy who lives at her house. She thought it might be over hyped because, well, it’s Yale. She was wrong.  The campus of Yale is like no college she’d ever been to. The entire school is magical.  The library was actually designed to be a cathedral. Aside from the outstanding learning opportunity it represents, the students live in castles. We swear that’s true. They get a Yale education and they live in castles!  Sign Ava and Amy up – forget the boy – they’re in!

4. NYC Elevators. Those of you who know us know Ava is not a fan of elevators. However, she did find something worse – the stairs at the Cooper Union college. The building has 9 stories. Along the corners are stairwells made of metal mesh. Apparently, Cooper Union architects thought that would be cool. So, you’re on the eigtht floor and you and your fear of heights look down and almost pass out because you feel like you’re falling eight stories. Ava’s not sure which is worse, falling to her death or dying in an elevator accident.

5. Rules to live by. Forget that “Everything you needed to know you learned in kindergarten” BS. The combined Bright families are going to save a fortune on college because the NYC subway has their education covered for $2.75. They have a campaign called Courtesy Counts. But it doesn’t just count in the subway, it covers all of life.  Take for instance “Keep your stuff to yourself”. If everyone would just learn this one simple rule think how easy life would be for the rest of us. We don’t need to know all of your drama. We really don’t.  And Ava’s personal favorite – “Poles are for safety, not your latest routine”. Hold the pole, not our attention. A subway car is no place for show time. Right?! How many times have you wanted to tell someone else to get off the pole? That’s something you can’t learn in college.

(Spoiler Alert: Columbia’s mascot is a lion. Yep, you guessed it. They don’t have a lion there so don’t bother to ask.)

I want you all to know that I just took a test – Who’s Your British Celebrity Husband.

I realize I’m already married – happily so – but, you know…British.

(Photo by Ian Gavan/Getty Images)

You can imagine how excited I was when, after answering all the questions, the results came back with the delightful news that I am ideally paired with Tom Hiddleston!

I can’t tell you how perfectly happy this makes me. Charming. Good looking. Talented. Witty. Glorious accent.

I’d also like to point out to Ava that he’s 6’2″. Have you ever noticed how many movie stars are 5’9″? We’ve noted this phenomenon over and over. It’s crazy. The other perfect Tom, Tom Hardy, and Ava’s fave Jared Leto — both 5’9″ and there’s so many others.

Anyway, my new fiancé is a wonderfully tall. If you want to take the test and see how well you fair, pop over here.

Please let me know if you manage to get Alan Rickman. Oh, dear Alan Rickman. I’d be willing to change my entire lifestyle for the answer to come up Alan Rickman. Alan is the voice of my dreams. Don’t believe me? Close your eyes and listen.

You’re welcome.

Ava’s out of town all week leaving me to deal with work all by myself. Mark my words, this will not end well.

A new Simon’s Cat! Here’s what’s funny–Jojo Kitty is fine getting in his cat carrier. We’re pretty sure he thinks we’re just taking him places where his adoring fans can worship him in person.