20 Reasons Why the Sisters are Never Climbing Mount Everest

1. Ummm. Outside. Hello?
2. Have you seen how cold it is there?
3. As much as we’ve wanted to hire our very own Sherpa, this is frankly not enough incentive.
4. **shiver** Snow.
5. They won’t let us bring our cats. We tried shoving Jojo Kitty into a back pack and it didn’t go well.
6. We have too many television shows were dedicated to.
7. It’s mostly all up hill, and we don’t really like up hill.
8. We aren’t even willing to walk back up the Grand Canyon. Seriously. 29,000 feet. Right.
9. There isn’t a Starbucks up there.
10. Or a Chipotle.
11. Frostbite is not attractive. We can’t type our books if we have no fingers.
12. We don’t sleep in tents.
13. Snow Leopards? Hmmmm, maybe. Nope, still no.
14. No cell phone reception.
15. We have very deep concerns about where a person pees when it’s that cold.
16. If we went to Everest, who would do all the laundry? Who?
17. Apparently it’s very crowded up there.
18. And littered with debris. We can stay home and yell at people to pick up their stuff.
19. Surely you’re not serious
20. We’re so sorry. That’s the month we wash our hair.

This is by no means a comprehensive list. We reserve the right to add reasons up to infinity.

It’s Amylynn’s boyfriend’s birthday today.

Amylynn has already told Her Honey that should Sandra Bullock wander into his eye line, he has her permission to get whatever he can out of that fortuitous event.

On this day in 1977, Edward Thomas Hardy was born. You know him as Tom.

Look at how pretty.

So, so pretty.

Even from the back. Holy Moly.

And one last ovary cramping gif.

Maybe one more .

Happy birthday Tom. If we weren’t prohibited by law from getting within a thousand feet of you, The Sisters would give you a birthday kiss.

This is one of the funniest blogs I’ve ever read. The website I borrowed it from is chock full of hilarity. In fact, it reminds me of Ava because she LOVES driving people crazy. Follow the link and laugh and laugh.

Anyway, I wish I had the balls to try this.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 10.12am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Book signing dates

Hello David,

It’s been bought to my attention that a list of upcoming book signing events was recently posted on your website with B&N stores named as venues.

I was wondering if I could have the contact details of your agent or marketing person or if you could forward this email to them as a matter of urgency.

We have the ISBN in our system but no record of the listed events. I’ve spoken with two other stores and they have no record either.

Thank you, Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 11.02am
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

Thank you for your email. I’m currently without an agent or marketing person. I blame their inability to take constructive criticism well.

I was signed with LA based agency ICM Partners regarding television rights but after receiving a draft script, penned apparently by throwing a keyboard into a box full of squirrels and running the results through a quick spell-check, I stopped responding to their Skype group video chat requests. What was originally a satirical expose of the design industry somehow turned into a story about a mechanic named Greg. It’s possible that I may have missed an artistic and clever point, but just as possible that somewhere Greg is wondering how they could have fucked up his eight part transmission rebuild series so badly.

Penguin represent my first book but my marketing person there is a small angry Asian woman who yells a lot so I have her number blocked. One might suggest marketing consists of more than the author tweeting links to his book every fifteen minutes but one would be wrong. And ungrateful. And should tweet more. We haven’t spoken since she accused me of stealing a three-foot cardboard cut-out penguin from her office the last time I was there.

Incidentally, Penguin employ a similar system to ICM in regards to calculating royalties – except instead of a keyboard and squirrels, they throw a calculator into an empty box and jiggle it a bit. This is after thirty-six meetings regarding what kind of box to use, three-hundred emails discussing who will do the jiggling, and a six month delay due to pigeons, or hats, or static electricity.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 11.28am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello David,

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly.
Who arranged the book signing dates and who at B&N did they speak with?

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 11.35am
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

There was no arrangement as such. I thought I’d just show up on the day. I have my own fold-up chair and table.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 12.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

You posted several venues and dates without anyone at B&N knowing anything about it? You can’t just show up. That’s not how it works. There are procedures. You have to contact individual stores well in advance. If the store agrees to you doing a signing, copies need to be ordered, a date set, and arrangements made. If you had a marketing person, they would have explained all this to you.

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 1.19pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

Yes probably. They’d also explain cost per conversion statistics, demographic expansions and response rate ratios. They can’t help themselves. It’s like an involuntary tic or a really boring form of Tourette’s.

I once attended a marketing meeting where people talked about Adwords campaign statistics for two hours. Which, in my opinion, is about one hour and fifty-six minutes too long to talk about anything. At around the forty minute mark, I honestly thought I was going to die.

In regards to procedures, I just figured it was better to be told off than told no. Seeking permission involves far more variables than pretending you didn’t think there’d be an issue.

Besides, it’s sitting on a chair. If it was possible to measure the difference between sitting on a chair and sitting on a chair by prior arrangement, nobody would. If someone did, everyone else would state, “That was a bit pointless. Don’t you have anything better to do?” The end result of sitting on a chair is the same.

I don’t require books ordered as I’m not expecting a crowd. I’ll have a couple with me just in case but, to be honest, I’m only popping in for a bit so I can claim my holiday flights as a business expense.

If anyone asks, I’ll just say I spoke to Pauline and she said it’s fine.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 1.43pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Except I didn’t say it’s fine and the end result certainly won’t be the same because you’ll be asked to leave. I can’t imagine anything more embarrassing.

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 2.26pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

That’s understandable, the day to day stress of chair allocation and authorization probably leaves little time for such things.

I was once escorted off a plane shortly after boarding due to an ex-girlfriend calling the airport and stating I had four-hundred ecstasy tablets hidden in my bottom. Refusing to leave my seat without an explanation, two large men in suits carried me out horizontally. I was traveling with coworkers and the regional manager of BHP Billington. A few feet from the exit, the men had to wait for someone to be seated. I was head height with other passengers and an elderly lady leaned forward and said, “It’s going to be ok. You’re going to get the help you need now. It’s a good thing.”

I was also asked to leave a restaurant once. Experiencing stomach problems and discovering the restroom toilet bowl bogged and overflowing with paper and feces, I made an emergency decision to poo in the hand-towel disposal bin instead. With hindsight, I should have either used the ladies restroom or locked the door.

Also, when I was about twelve, my mother opened the bathroom door without knocking and caught me lying naked on the floor cracking an egg onto my penis. I have no idea why. I tried to flip over to hide my shame but the tiles were pretty slippery from several previously cracked eggs so I just kind of slapped and flailed for a bit. She didn’t say anything, just closed the door, so I guess that story didn’t really have anything to do with being asked to leave places.

Regardless, on an embarrassment scale of one to twenty (with one being a bit sunburnt and twenty owning a Nissan Cube), being told, “I’m sorry sir, B&N has a strict rule regarding people sitting in chairs, I’ll have to ask you to leave,” would probably only be a three. Maybe a four if there is jostling.

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 3.55pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

People are allowed to sit in chairs but they aren’t allowed to set up desks or sign books inside the store without permission. You’re going to have to cancel the dates you posted and go through the proper channels to set up new dates. Do you understand this?

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.02pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

Mostly. Would sitting on a chair, no desk, asking people walking past if they’d like to come outside and buy a book from the back of my rental car be acceptable? Am I allowed to hold a sign?

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

No it isn’t acceptable. I’m not sure how to make this any clearer. You do not have permission to promote your book in B&N stores or interact with B&N customers in any way. If you do, you’ll be asked to leave. If you refuse to leave, the police will be called to escort you from the premises

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.20pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

What if I stand quietly in an aisle, or a corner at the back of the store, looking at books on shelves and occasionally nodding to myself thoughtfully?

Regards, David.

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 4.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

That would make you a customer. As long as you aren’t communicating with other customers in any way, I can’t see that being a problem.

Pauline

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 27 April 2015 5.17pm
To: Pauline Olsen
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

Hello Pauline,

I’m glad a compromise could be reached. I have amended the previously posted book signing event page to reflect the agreed changes. I’ve also attached the promotional poster. I’ll have some with me on the day but I thought you might want to print extra copies for the store windows or something.

Regards, David.

Attachment: b&n_promoposter.jpg

From: Pauline Olsen
Date: Tuesday 28 April 2015 9.32am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Book signing dates

You do not have permission to attend B&N stores on the dates you have indicated.

Do you remember all that nonsense we spouted last Friday about how Amylynn couldn’t get in for a hair appointment and her head looked horrible and people were reluctant to be seen with her in public? Well, except her husband but then he barely notices that she has hair. Did we ever tell you about the time Amylynn accidentally dyed her hair BLACK instead of the usual red and her husband never noticed. Never. Seriously. That’s another blog for another time. Anyway, Ava pled Amylynn’s case in a very dramatic fashion when she was at the salon yesterday evening and LO! an appointment spot opened right up. Thank the old gods and the new! We managed to find some other stuff of interest this week. Here you go.

1. Shogun! We’ve met our friend Pumpkin at this Japanese restaurant several times and we’ve always enjoyed ourselves thoroughly. There are many things to recommend the place – the fabulous booths that are more like snug little cubbies, the proximity to our office allowing us more time to chat because there’s no drive time, and the food. The thing that makes the three of us giggle though is the menu. The lunch fare is excellent for the most part, but don’t fall in love with anything in particular because even though you can order two items from the lunch special, they may not be the same thing. So no matter how good that sesame chicken is, you can’t have two of them unless you can convince Pumpkin to order one and you’ll order the other thing she loves and then you can pull a switch. It’s all very complicated.

2. Tiny tigers. Sigfried and Roy apparently never learn and that’s what the Sisters find commendable. It’s like we’re kindred spirits who would dearly love the opportunity to learn from our mistakes. Sadly no one will let us have a tiger so we can. We don’t know how we’re supposed to grow as individuals, but whatever. Anyway, the Sigfried and Roy foundation SARMOTI will be putting four tiny, perfect tigers on display at the Mirage in Las Vegas. It just so happens that the Sisters will be in Las Vegas in November. This seems like a recipe for something, doesn’t it? We don’t expect the tigers will be small enough to put in our pockets, but they’ll fit right into a shopping bag. The

It’s dark here so you can’t see how dirty these people are from camping

Sisters love shopping. The best part? We’re driving so we won’t even have to worry about those horrible, nosey TSA agents.

3. Boys camping. This seems to be a thing. Last week The Boy Who Lives at Ava’s House went camping and this weekend Amylynn’s Honey and The Bandit are going with the Boy Scouts. This gives the girls lots of time to do girl stuff. Sassy and Amylynn are probably going to go to a movie. We’d like to see some cute boys on screen without getting that look from our boys. Maybe we’ll do some shopping for makeup. And sit in a Starbucks for a couple of hours and goof around. And eat waffles for dinner. This is going to rock!

4. Adventures in Parking Lots. Ava made Amylynn eat at Chipotle again. Gah. It was worse than normal. The parking lot was all cordoned off for repaving – who does that on a Friday? Everybody and their mother seemed to be basically abandoning their cars in the driveway all for the opportunity to scowl down at a stupid burrito bowl. Anyway, in order to fulfill Ava’s wishes and eat at the wretched place, we had to park 67 miles away and walk. The only thing that made the whole thing tolerable was that we parked right outside a Cold Stone Creamery. You know that means ICE CREAM for dessert. We hope they’re still paving next week!

5. Lefties! Did you know Kermit the Frog is a left-handed amphibian? We didn’t either, but, as Ava will tell you, all the best people are.

Ed left on a long business trip today. Whenever he has to do that, he gives Ava cash.  Ava is supposed to use only the cash given to her and not credit cards. (Don’t worry people, the Brights are not up to their eyeballs in debt – Ed doesn’t allow that.)

“Spend it wisely,” says Ed.

Ava reports this bit of “advice” to Amy.  Amy thinks it wasn’t meant as advice per se but more along the lines of INSTRUCTIONS. As in, don’t spend it all today on cupcakes and shoes. She thinks he meant it’s supposed to last the entire 10 days he’ll be away.

“What?!” Ava exclaims, horrified.  “There’s not enough cash to get a frugal person through to Saturday!”

Anyway – here’s what the Sisters would spend the money on if Ava wouldn’t get into trouble over it.

Not like it’s the first time the Sisters had permission to add one furry family member and came home with two.

Two tickets to the movie Legend, with all the movie stuff like $30 dollars worth of snacks AND Tom Hardy to watch it with them.

One small Dogo Argentino puppy.

Egg rolls flown in from NYC.

The most glorious shoes we can find.

A quick trip to Disneyland.

Sparkly collars for all our fuzzy children.

Those cupcakes mentioned above.

A whole bunch of lattes and books.

A truck load of glitter – because why not? I mean if we want to spend it frivolously, we should go whole hog.

Speaking of hogs, how about a cute little pig? How about THIS little pig? Any amount of money – honestly.

Things I hate.

Tuesday after a long weekend. 36% worse than a regular Monday

Finding a gas station down the street selling gas 10 cents cheaper immediately after you fill up your tank. DAMMIT!

The car in front of you in the left turn lane that refuses to go until the arrow even though there’s not another visible car for nineteen miles.

Children who can only find their left shoe — for six different pairs of shoes.

Dogs who refuse to pee after they’ve DEMANDED  to go outside at 1:47 in the morning. What the hell do they need to do, wandering around in the yard at that hour of the night. Sweet Jesus.

Spiders.

Cats who are too uppity to tolerate Forced Cuddling Time. They have no idea how good they have it and should show some damn humility.

Completely disgusting – every single one

Finding a peppermint candy from someone’s pocket  after the clothes have gone through the dryer. Hello pink pockets.

Just laundry in general. Constant laundry. Never ending piles of dirty clothes. Gads.

Stealing a gulp of someone’s Coke only to find out way too late that it’s root beer. BLECK!!

Bosses.

Wholly inaccurate weather forecasts on the radio before work. 20% chance of rain my ass.

Errands.

Dentist appointments.

This list.

The 3-day weekend has come to an end. We have to go back to work. Just to remind you how wretched the whole thing is.

Hope you’re not laboring!

Here we are on the cusp of a long weekend. What are your plans? We plan to do lots and lots of stuff as it involves watching television or movies, reading, writing Chapter Seven, getting our toes done, shopping for make up, and probably pestering the cats. It’s going to be glorious. We’re turning off our work phones and for the next three days are willing to pretend that we are unemployed. Wanna know why? Because it’s Labor Day weekend and we shall not labor. No siree. Unless it comes to laundry. Damn laundry never stops. It’s relentless. Like the march of the tide or  something. That’s too depressing to contemplate. Let’s read funny stuff? Ready? Grab a cookie, here we go.

1. Chris the sheep. You may have seen Chris the Sheep on the internet. He’s a bit of a celebrity. He is a Merino sheep who ran away from home and has lived in the wild for the last six or seven years like a rebel. All this time he’s not been sheared. There were stories of a phantom sheep in the hills and it turns out it was real. He is one monster of a sheep with–it turns out–90+ pounds of wool covering his body. He’s hysterical looking. All you can see is a nose and four tiny hooves under all that filthy wool. We totally understand. Amylynn is damn near desperate to get her hair done and the hairdresser is all booked up until OCTOBER. Pretty soon she’ll look like Chris, only with gray roots.

2. Speaking of hair. Here’s another person who’s been on the internet a lot of late. No matter what side you’re on in this debate – we certainly hope it’s the correct one – you will have to agree that this meme is hysterical. We make a point of not discussing politics on this blog and sometimes that’s REALLY, REALLY HARD, but this is just too funny to pass up. She’s probably having an even harder time getting an appointment than either Chris or I have had.

3. Gobi Jerboa. We are constantly finding new animals we didn’t know existed but are now desperate to own. We present to you the Jerboa – specifically the one with the huge ears. He looks exactly like Despereaux, don’t you think? These adorable little dudes can be found in the Gobi desert which is in Asia. They have super long legs which enable them to hop like wee kangaroos. And dear sweet heavens, look at those ears. Precious. We must have two. We’ve named them Millicent and Quentin.

4. Tom Hardy with his dog! Hardly a day goes by that we don’t get a Tom Hardy fix. His movie Legend comes out this weekend so he brought his dog Woody to the premier because apparently he likes it when women’s ovaries cramp up. It didn’t even matter that Tom’s pregnant wife was there. They probably thought she would be some sort of leveler, like if all us girls saw his wife round with child we would calm ourselves down, but the dog completely superseded that plan. The best part was his dog totally misbehaved by chasing pigeons around on the red carpet. That’s exactly the embarrassing thing our dogs would do.

No Judgment unless you’re a 15 year old girl with your mother

Amylynn noted how great Tom looked in this particular color blue. Ava pointed out that it didn’t matter what color suit it was, Tom was in it. And then DOG.

5. Planet Fitness. That’s the gym Ava belongs to so she can exercise inside where all exercising should be done.  They charge only $19.99 a month so you can go over there to sweat instead of doing it in your garage at home. It’s also open 24 hours a day in case you’re crazy and want to exercise in the middle of the night. It’s a “no judgment zone” which means no one is supposed to make fun of Ava while she cries on the ab machine. However,

Look at that – Jared with TWO dogs. That beats Tom with a dog and a wife.

the girl who lives at her house (who made her join the place to begin with) laughs at her all the time. Ava is going to report her to the staff and have her tiny size 2 body removed from the place so she can cry in peace along with the other non-size 2 people there.

5.5 Jared Leto without his dog. No, Jared didn’t do anything this week to make the list, but it just seems fair to Ava that he be included since Tom is.  Tom is a show off – showing up with his dog, making movies with dogs, savings dogs. Is this guy a fake or what? The only satisfaction to be had from Jared this week is that he isn’t showing up any where with a pregnant wife!

The Sisters would buy every single thing in this catalogue. We’d go broke.