Yesterday was windy. Like Dorothy in OZ windy. Like “Holy shit, it’s windy” windy. I lost Rock, Paper, Scissors and had to go buy dinner. When I got out

Mercifully, this is NOT sassy. She’s even smaller than this.

of the car at the Panda Express the wind literally propelled me across the parking lot.

While we were eating dinner, Sassy described her P.E. class.

Their coach decided that it would be fun to strap my daughter’s 4th grade students in parachutes to see if they could run against the strength of the wind pulling on the chutes. I understand that he also was wondering if any of them would get airborne.

Imagine the wry look I’m giving you right now.

As skinny as Sassy is, he could have used a Kleenix and she would have gotten airborne.

Can’t you hear the call from the front office now? “Um, Mrs. Bright. Hi. I’m just calling to tell you first that Sassy is fine in case you get any other calls about this. The firemen were able to get her out of the tree in the Target parking lot.”

The Bandit told me several times today that his tummy was upset. You know what I said? “Eat your lunch.” Also popular was, “Uh huh, get your toys out of the living room,” and “Sorry to hear that.” We went to the Costco because we owed them $100 and needed toilet paper. On the way out, my family got pizza (I got lovely protein in the form of a chicken Caesar salad).

The boy told me again his tummy didn’t feel good and, again, I told him to eat his lunch.

Then he threw up all over my driveway. And again and again and again. Poor little man went to bed at 7:00 on his own volition.

I hate it when I’m a bad mommy.

We survived April Fools Day with only a small amount of bruising. Whew. You never know with April Fools Day. Bad things can happen. When Amylynn’s brother was little you’d have to spend the entire day wary of buckets of water or fake spiders or jacked up bed sheets. Now we just don’t take calls from him on that certain day of the year and we’re much happier for it. How did your day go? Are you one of those people or are you victim like we are? Here’s some stuff that happened this week.

1. Tragedy at the Circus. We were 100% certain that this story was an April Fools prank, but research prevailed and it turns out it’s real. As implausible as it is. An entire flea circus in Berlin was wiped out by the cold. That’s 300 fleas people. Of course, they carried around the entire cast in a Dixie cup. We’re just kidding. It was a box. We have no idea why the box was left in the cold. For crying out loud, they can’t find a cat to flea-sit? Fortunately, an insect expert at a local university was able to supply 50 fleas at the last minute. Apparently, the training period is very brief. Still, seems like they could go to any alley and rustle up more fleas.

2. This is NOT about Michael Jackson. It seems that Justin Bieber has left his monkey in Berlin and if he doesn’t go back and fetch it the customs people are going to give it to a zoo. We have no idea why he won’t go get his monkey or why he thought he could just charge through Germany with an unpapered monkey. We wondered, it they were willing to substitute another animal for the monkey, we’d happily go fetch it. Also, do you suppose it has any fleas for the guys in #1?

3. Geek wonder!. Sir Ian McKellen is going to officiate the wedding of Patrick Stewart and his new bride. How gonzo is that?! In case you’ve been living in a vacuum that’s Gandalf officiating for Captain Picard. OR Magneto marrying off Dr. Xavier. Will the X-Men be invited? The crew of the Enterprise? Will Hobbits be there? We’re keeping a very close eye on our mailboxes for invitations.  Otherwise, this is a wedding that screams to be crashed.

4. Tokyo Joe’s. Ava is in Denver to cheer on the boy-who-lives-at-her-house who’s in a robotics championship. She fully intended to make her very first stop outside the airport be Tokyo Joe’s, never mind that would be at like 8am in the morning. When Amylynn ignorantly asked what was so damn special, Ava replied, “It’s the best freakin beef teriyaki on the planet. I always get extra sesame seeds. The beef is cooked just right. The sauce is not too sweet, just right. The rice is perfectly steamed, not sticky, not hard, fluffy. And the people who sell it to you are all tattooed and pierced or they can’t work there.” Apprently, this restaurant is JUST RIGHT.

5. Amazon’s reviewers. This has been a long running joke on Facebook and we just finally looked in on it. If you’ve ignored it up to now, you should wait no longer. Honestly, people are so very, very clever. Prepare yourself for hysteria. 

We spent a lot of time at work today thinking up an anthem for our office. At first we thought we’d write one from scratch, but then we thought, “the Hell with that.”

There are already so many excellent songs that exactly convey our sentiments, why reinvent the wheel?

For example, if you substitute the right words into Hotel Bank of No Forks you have a real gem. “You can check-out anytime you like, but you can never leave.”

Or, the Animals hit, We Gotta Get Out of This Place.

We gotta get out of this place
If it’s the last thing we ever do
We gotta get out of this place, there’s a better life
Don’t you know, don’t you know
Man, don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know

And of course, the Boss said it best. Springsteen always says it best.

Baby this town rips the bones from your back
Its a death trap, it’s a suicide rap
We gotta get out while were young
`cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run

What song does your job inspire?

Hey! I have another interview on a blog tour for Lady Belling’s Secret. I’ll be giving away a copy to a lucky commentor. Commenter. Did you know there doesn’t seem to be a word for a person who leaves comments that my Spell Check will approve of.

Whatever. I’ll be giving a copy of Lady Belling’s Secret to some lucky person who leaves a comment on THIS blog.

Hop over and give it a read. You mind find the Mysteries of Life by Amylynn Bright over there. More than likely, you’ll find fine examples of me goofing off, answering interview questions instead of writing on my current work in process.

Either way it’ll be fun.

Not as fun as rolling on the floor with a bunch of baby pandas, but that much fun is probably illegal in China and they seem to be hoarding all the pandas over there.

In honor of my pirate story, The Sea Rose, being free this week on Amazon, I give you Captain Morgan.

This was an actual conversation we had on Easter morning over breakfast. I feel that I MUST tell you it was an actual conversation and I am not making this up. There are an awful lot of conversations in our house that go along these lines.

Cecil! Is that you?

Sassy ignored the policy about speaking with food in her mouth to ask the following question, “Can I have a bunny for Easter?” I’m certain she directed this question to me rather than her father as I’m the crazy person about acquiring animals.

“No,” I told her. I’m still sane although people who read this blog can file a complaint if they believe that I am lying about this.

“If I did have a bunny, I’d name him Bunbun.”

“That’s a stupid name for a bunny,” I told her with derision.

“Oh,” she said. “What would you name your bunny?” This holds constant fascination for her – what I’d name imaginary animals.

“Cecil.”

My son threw his fork on the table and look at me like I was the stupidest person EVER. “Cecil? That’s not a name for a bunny. That’s a name for an otter.”

Of course he’s right.

The Sea Rose is free this week. If you haven’t picked up your copy already, you should do it now. Cause it’s free. Free, I tell you. As in costs no money.

“Is it good?” you ask. Of course it’s good. Here are some quotes from Amazon reviews:

“..a well written story of adventure, lust, romance, treachery, and bravery.”

“A fun, quick read with one lustful alpha pirate that will bring a smile to your face.”

“I could smell the sea air and feel the pitch and roll of the ship”

Ava and I are so excited! We just got the call we’ve been waiting for for so long. We weren’t allowed to talk about it for fear that all the negotiations would

Petunia!

crumble, but now that it’s a done deal, WE’RE YELLING FROM THE RAFTERS.

Our panda arrives on May 2nd. We have one month to get everything ready, get the right licenses, and prove that we have the appropriate food sources established. It’ll be a ton of work, but so, so worth it.

She is a little girl named Xiàohuà, or 笑话 in traditional Chinese. The Chinese government is very serious about the naming thing. I think we’ll call her Petunia cause once we pick her up what they don’t know won’t kill ’em. She’s eighteen months old and super adorable.

There will be regular visits from the Chinese government to check on her and we have to send regular lab work back, but none of that matters

CAUSE WE’LL HAVE A PANDA!

Can you believe it? Us neither. Make sure you take note on the calendar the date you heard the news! What’s the date again? Oh, yeah.