NEW RELEASES
More evidence of an evil genius brewing
The Bandit is going to be eight years old next week. I can’t believe it. Still, he feels like a little boy. He’s missing four teeth. He makes gun and car noises at every opportunity. He’s still a shortie.
BUT, he’s really getting a fun sense of humor of his own. I love seeing him make jokes and such that are all is own – not reflections of his father and I.
For example, he had me cracking up at lunch today.
As is typical, Sassy was glaring at her father over slights real or imagined. Her father informed her if she glared at him one more time, he was going to
No sane person gives up a churro
smack her right there in the restaurant. This is a typical idol threat wherein hardly ever is anyone actually smacked and rarely does the glaring stop for long. Nevertheless, the dance began. He said the words and she softened her gaze. Then the Bandit started to chant, “Glare, glare, glare.”
I spit my iced tea.
After we’d regained control of ourselves from that incident, My Honey mentioned he was still hungry.
“You want my churro?” The Bandit asked with unusual courtesy?
“Nah,” his father replied.
“Good,” The boy smirked. “The churro is mine.”
That’s much more typical of my son.
April 19
This was a tough week with the Boston thing and then Texas. Fortunately, the world continues to turn and human beings are notorious for doing stupid/funny/perplexing stuff. You can always count on hilarity to happen, even when you think the world is shit. We found a bunch of evidence for this theory this week. A bunch. We narrowed it down to five things – hold on to your shorts. Here we go.
1. Ducks don’t cuddle. When we read this story we honestly thought, “There but the grace of God go I.” In fact, we almost thought that there was some sort of space/time continuum thing going on because truly this could have been a story about us. The only thing that proves our innocence is that it involved a duck. Ducks aren’t fuzzy, ergo we weren’t involved. Michael Hubbard doesn’t have the same prejudices we do about the feathered creatures. He tried to smuggle his pet duck into the Honolulu courthouse. The security personnel noted that his duffle bag was squirming. He tried to deny 
there was an animal in there, but they weren’t falling for it. He had to leave his duck outside. Mr. Hubbard – we suggest you get a note from your doctor and find a little blue vest for your duck.
borrowed from the Washington Post
2. Egg rolls are the fifth food group. A six year old boy stole his father’s car because he was hungry for Chinese food. It was 6:00 on a Sunday morning. He managed to drive the three miles to the restaurant only to find it closed. How disappointing, right? When he left the parking lot, he hit a stop sign. The little dude was conscientiousness enough to want to have the car repaired before he went home and that’s where the police finally caught up with him. There are a couple of amazing things happening here. We’re caught between thinking he had planned the hell out of this scheme and thinking he was clueless. He could remember where the restaurant was located, but didn’t consider it might be closed at that time on a Sunday morning? He thought to fix the car, but how he was going to pay for breakfast and the repairs. Dad was asleep and knew nothing about it until he was awakened by the police to come fetch his kid. Of course he was sleeping. What the hell else would he be doing at 6am on a Sunday? This kid is either going to be a criminal mastermind or King of the Universe.
borrowed from The Tucson Weekly
3. Some people are very aptly named. Dr. Giggleman is an elephant chiropractor. Of course he is. What else could he be? To be fair, he’s not just an elephant chiropractor. He also does adjustments on dogs, cats, snakes, hamsters, gerbils and a guinea pig. Thank you Dr. Giggleman. Not much is worse than a grumpy, misaligned gerbil. How do you even know a gerbil needs an adjustment? Does it run on his wheel sideways? Does ObamaCare cover this?
4. Le Cave’s. Where in the world can you get mango filled donuts, Mexican cookies, empanadas AND comedy gold you can laugh about for weeks? Le Cave’s Bakery. If you want to go off your diet – way off, like all-the-way-to-New-Zealand off, the Le Cave’s is the direction to go. There is a secret password to get into the place. As you approach the door, repeat to yourself in a whisper, “Push, push, push,” and
from: 4shorties.blogspot.com
everything will be fine.
5. Morons. A guy was injured in town when he was attempting a stunt. Go ahead and roll your eyes now. You can do it again later if you want, and you probably will. The stunt was to go as follows: Put the truck in reverse, jump out of the driver’s seat, run to the back of the truck. Let the vehicle roll completely over him then jump up and run back to the driver’s seat and stop the car before it hits anything. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? Not much really except the truck differential got stuck on top of him. Four firemen and a police officer had to lift the truck up so another firefighter could pull the unconscious idiot out from under the truck. There was no mention if alcohol was involved, but we bet from the above description you can extrapolate your own answer. Also, possibly he should consider a diet and stay away from Le Cave’s.
If you are the authorities, then stop reading now
Ava and I are so getting in trouble. 
This is a quokka. It’s pronounced like mocha. It’s a wee marsupial from the general area of Australia.
I’ve named him Quincy. Unless he’s a girl, then we’re going to call her Winona.
Ava read somewhere that these are protected animals and there is a $300 fine just for touching one.
When we get to Australia, we’re just going to hand over our credit card, because there will be touching.
Oh, yes.
There will be touching.
Diet Shmiet
Occasionally, I leave the office and go out into the wild, wild world without Amylynn. This happened yesterday because she had the 2nd shift and I wanted doughnuts.
I had initially thought I could live without donuts even though I’d been thinking of them the entire ride to work. But, really the whole thing is our security guard’s fault. The very first thing he said to me in the parking lot wasn’t “Hi” or even “Hey”. It was, “I was gonna stop for donuts.” It was like a sign from God. A lightening bolt from Zeus himself. Obviously the universe wanted me to have donuts.
Since Amy is doing awesome on her diet and I’m still fat, I made two of our office mates go to a famous donut bakery here in our town. The trouble started right away. One of the girls is left-handed like me. When we got to the doors, the handles were gone, as in no handles. We looked at each other like OMG the place is closed!!! And we need donuts!!! Luckily, the third one of us said, and I quote, “Push”.
I need to report that they just don’t have donuts. They have dessert empanadas and cookies. I ordered up a dozen donuts, six empanadas and a dozen 
cookies. The salesgirl asked if we were having a party. I wasn’t sure what she was getting at so I said “No, there’s just the three of us and a girl on a diet so she’s not getting any.”
On our way out, Miss Push said, “Can we have one more of the Mango Delights and can you cut it into three pieces for the ride?” We ate it before we even got to the door. It was delightful.
The missing handles were actually on the inside of the doors so we knew how to get out without any instructions. Isn’t it universally known that you “pull” to get in and “push” to get out when your hands are full of baked goods?
When Amy got to the office there was powdered sugar and crumbs everywhere. She eyed us all suspiciously and asked what we’d been up to all morning. We pretended we had no idea what she was talking about and said we’d tried to go to the bakery but it was closed permanently, they’d even removed the handles.
I don’t think she believed us because she said, and I quote, “Closed, huh? Wipe that mango delight off your faces.”
I should have held up my book!
When I was driving to work today I saw the craziest looking car in the intersection ahead of me. As I got closer I was trying to figure out if there was some sort of bizarre art installation on the roof or what. There was writing all over the sides and what looked like some sort of whacked out humanoid…thing on top.
Here’s a whole fleet of them
When I came abreast of the car I was able to read Google Street View Car on the door and realized the statue was indeed the tripod camera with a giant round camera on the top.
I totally freaked out.
I had approximately five seconds to decide what to do.
WHAT TO DO!!! Here’s my chance at fame – although somewhat more minimal than I thought it would be. There was no Oprah present. No phone call from the President. It all seemed rather anticlimactic.
By the time I realized I needed to do SOMETHING it was over. The Google car turned and was gone.
It was too late to flash my boobs (way too derivative anyway), or flip off the camera (I don’t necessarily feel any angst towards Google), or throw on a chicken suit (I don’t have one regardless).
I’m such a loser.
QUICK! You have 5 seconds. What do you do for the Google car?
Sometimes after a day like today…
When there’s nothing good in the news, you just need a good cuddle.
The best part of this is the narrator’s voice.
He sounds so serious and official and then he makes you spit your coffee.
April 12
What do you do when you’re bored? I mean really bored. For like nine hours in a row. For five days in a row and periodic Saturdays? Do you cry? Do you rage against the machine? Do you devise evil plots to take over the world? Become experts on obscure points of international law? Do a whole hell of a lot of internet shopping? Or just pray for sweet death? We’ve done all that and it didn’t help. Fortunately, there is funny stuff in the world
Imagine this with a microwave hat
and we seem to find an inordinate amount of it all. The good part is we share this stuff with you. Well, that and we’ve not been arrested by the FBI -yet. Here’s what we found this week.
1. Escape plans. Here was the headline: Hurled microwave misses SWAT robot. “What prompted that?” you ask? It seems an apartment complex manager was trying to evict some guy from his apartment when a ruckus broke out. Then shots were fired. Of course, they were. Shots are always fired. That prompted the SWAT team to arrive and evacuate the building. When a woman in the apartment under surveillance broke out the front window with a shotgun, the police sent in a tactical robot equipped with a camera. Here comes the good part. “…as the robot approached the door, the woman exited with a microwave and threw it 
at the robot.” Who looks at everything in their house and picks a microwave as their weapon of choice? That’s weird, right? The very last line in the article states, “Charges were pending.” We can only imagine.
2. Brilliant scientists. They’re getting closer and closer to cloning extinct animals. In 2003 they made a Pyrenean ibex. It didn’t live long but they still did it and that was 10 years ago. Before you know it, they’ll have woolly mammoths. This is what we think is going to happen. The scientists are going to be looking for nice people to cuddle, love and raise these animals. We’re going to be on the top of that list. Not for a woolly mammoth necessarily. Those are very big and we think everyone will notice. But 
the Thylacine, sometimes called the Tasmanian tiger, is on the short list for replication. Those little cuties are the size of a big dog. That’s what we plan to tell everyone it is when they ask. You may be getting a request for a letter of reference soon. We’ll make it worth your while.
3.Bacon Breath. The funny fellows over at Scope announced they were coming out with bacon flavored 
mouthwash. Everyone went berserk. Then it came out that the whole thing was an April Fool’s day prank. It sure was funny while it lasted though, huh?
4. KISS/Hello Kitty. The whores over at KISS have made an unholy union with the chaps over at SANRIO and the progeny is four Hello Kitty figures with KISS makeup starring in their own cartoon. They will be spreading “pink anarchy” all over television sets soon. We have no idea how much money Gene Simmons, the executive-producer of the show needs to make before he dies, but apparently it’s a 
considerable amount. Rock on, Gene. Ava here – I love KISS and Hello Kitty. What could be better than KISS and Hello Kitty combined? Amy is wrong about the money part. Gene Simmons is doing this exclusively for me – I just know it. Thanks, Gene. Big KISS!
5. General Hospital. We don’t watch soap operas anymore but we fondly remember entire jr high school years that were wholly consumed by General Hospital and Luke and Laura. Their pending nuptials were the high point of our lives at that age. Looking back at that monstrosity of a dress Laura wore in the wedding – Jeesh, you could house an entire pygmy village in there. General Hospital just turned 50 years old. Can you freaking believe that? Us neither. We’re old. Not too old for Hello Kitty, though.
I’m the Aunt who always has gum in her purse that you didn’t have to make from scratch.
A lot of people complain that their families are crazy. Mine isn’t crazy, necessarily, but it is full of characters.
I haven’t talked about my brother much. I think now is the time.
His daughter is turning seven tomorrow. I called to chat him up for ideas on what to get my niece.
“You wanna know what I’m getting her,” he asked. He sounded very excited about it.
“Sure,” I said. He’s made some pretty cool stuff for his kids so this has every chance of being awesome.
“A cheese making kit.”
“What?” I say, thinking I can’t possibly have heard him correctly.
“A cheese making kit,” he repeated.
“What the fu…” I crinkled up my forehead, pulled my phone away from my face, and stared at it.
“She likes cheese.” He said this like he fully expected me to buy into this oddness because the kid likes cheese. We all like cheese but I don’t wanna make it. I sure as hell didn’t want to make it when I was SEVEN. I make my cheese at the store wrapped in wax and plastic because I’m not French. He must have gleaned something from my silence. “When I asked her if she wanted a cheese making kit her eyes lit up and she said, ‘You can make cheese?'”
“Alright,” I said in that tone of voice that implies you think the other person is a complete idiot but they seem hell-bent on their mission so they should carry on. “What should I get her?”
“You know, she really wants a wishing well. Get her one of those.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” I screeched. “Where the hell am I gonna get a wishing well?” In one day no less.
“I don’t know,” he said and now he was sounding like I am the whack-a-loon. “I’m just telling you what she wants.”
Well she can wish for normal presents from her father. I got her Hello Kitty cause I’m not a crazy aunt.
I think I can do it since I still have the receipt
It was another rip roaring day at the Bank of No Forks. We’re still waiting for our new “jobs” which means that our old jobs are winding down and 
there’s really NOTHING to do.
I told you that two weeks ago we started doing hair. Last week it was mani/pedis. This week I went and bought a jigsaw puzzle of tea cups and we started in on that today.
I learned that everyone has a different puzzle style.
I prefer to do all the outside first – the frame so to speak. Others started right in on the different designs as they found the colors and patterns that went together.
Ava picks up random pieces, looks at it intently, then hands it to one of us and says, “This one definitely goes somewhere.” It turns out our responses to Ava are all different, too. One person, the nicest one in our group, always takes the piece and makes a show of seeing if she can figure out where it goes. Another takes it and looks at her like she’s an idiot, but doesn’t say anything. Depending on how many times Ava’s already done this, I will grab the piece, slam it down on the table, and make a snarky comment. (Ava here: Okay, this part is true. I do that. But, in my defense, the piece I pick up is usually very specific – like it could be just dropped right into the puzzle. Why, you ask, dont I just do it myself? That’s because Amy always positions herself looking at the puzzle straight on and the rest of us have to try to complete it from the sides or the top, that’s why . . . )
It turns out jigsaw puzzles are surprisingly stressful.
After several hours of working on the stupid thing, I suggested we take it back to the store, throw it at a clerk and demand a refund insisting that the puzzle was broken.
Tomorrow I’m buying coloring books. That has to be less stressful than puzzles.