The good news is I lived through my first day back to work. The bad news  is my feet hurt and  I have to go back tomorrow.

Ava doesn’t have any pity for me at all. In fact, she texted me all day long with helpful tidbits like, “Hahaha, you’re a work!” and “Where are you? At work! Hahahaha!”

It’s hard not to feel warm and fuzzy about that sort of sisterly love, isn’t it?

At 3:50 I had cat withdrawals, which really sucked. I sincerely doubt that they’re ever going  to let me bring my cat to work to help me deal. Honestly, that’s such  a white-girl problem, I can barely believe I admit to having it.

You know what the bright spot in my day was? Looking at the calendar and seeing that I have Monday off for President’s Day.

Sigh.

Well, it was a good run. I gave it a hell of a shot.

Tomorrow morning, my eleven week paid vacation of unemployment has run out and I have to go back to work. Actually, it worked out perfectly. I let my severance package run its course and got hired back on at exactly the right time.

I guess I’ve mastered that unemployment bullshit.

You know what I found out while I was unemployed? People who don’t work are crazy busy. I didn’t get nearly the amount of stuff done that I thought I would.

Also, Jojo Kittywiggles is kinda happy that I’ll be going. He’s suffered greatly while I was home. I’m certain he didn’t get anywhere near the amount of sleep he normally does because I kept pestering him. I actually might have made his ear go a little bald from kissing it all the time. Also, how many other people do you know who buy outfits to dress their cat? It has been brought to my attention that he would make a lovely calendar model. Hmmmmm. Maybe.

I also learned that the cat does not approve of hole punches. He really doesn’t approve of using them on the desk while he’s sleeping on it. Also, the pigeons arrive around 1pm to eat the left over dog food and Jojo hates those pigeons with the fire of a thousand suns. He sits in front of the French doors with his ears folded back and growls ferociously. The first time he did it I had no idea what that noise was and freaked out.

Another discovery of some import is that Drew Carey is no Bob Barker.

My dog Winnie has to go in and out of the house approximately 9,325,489 times a day. More if the pigeons keep hanging around. No butterfly, caterpillar, 747, or ghost has passed by our house without being bayed at by Roscoe the Bloodhound.

So I will go back to work in the morning. Wearing actual work clothes. And shoes.

The shoes are concerning. I haven’t worn real shoes in months. Do you remember Agador Spartacus with his shoe problem in The Birdcage? That’s gonna be me.

I’ll be back tomorrow with how things went. Let me know who wins the Showcase Showdown, alright?

The weather here is so nice this week that we’d like to remind the citizens of our town about the importance of undergarments. Today the Sisters saw no less than three individuals who could really use a remedial education in foundation garments. Sadly, it seems the people we all want to see the least of, wear the smallest clothes. We’re not shaming. Maybe a little. Hey, if they’re happy with their bodies, then Yahoo! for them. We suppose we’re coming at this from our own insecurities. Nevertheless, we thought we’d put together a primer like you got in kindergarten along the lines of See Spot Run. It would go something like this: Jane wears panties. Panties are fun.

Just because you lay it out pretty is not going to convince us to eat this.

Fun. Fun. Fun. Jill wears a bra. Bras are fun. Fun. Fun. Fun for everyone. So now that we’ve given you those disturbing visions, let’s talk about something that really is fun.

1. Burgler or housesitter? First we want to mention that we were nowhere near Ohio this week. A Newton  Falls, Ohio couple reported a burglary in their house. It was ransacked of prescription drugs, a video games console, a DVD player, and dozens of movies. That’s very alarming and we’re sorry for those people. Here’s where things took a strange turn. It seems the burglars hung around for a bit. They had some coffee, smoked some cigarettes, and apparently, in a nod towards evening out the karma, they fed the dogs bologna. As far as we’re concerned, that’s the only appropriate use of bologna. Once again the Sisters have to point out a woeful lack of reporting in the article. There was no mention whatsoever of what kinds of dogs. Are we talking about shih tzus or bull mastiffs here? We feel this is a significant lack of information pertinent to the story.  Also, the couple themselves were arrested when they reported the burglary because they had outstanding warrants of their own. Again, we have no idea what they were for either. Isn’t this infuriating? We’re almost sorry we brought it up.

2. Harper Lee. We can’t tell you how excited we are about Go Set A Watchman. We are possibly some of the biggest fans of To Kill A Mockingbird and we read it once a year just because it’s such a lovely piece of work. Amylynn might or might not have a first edition copy she may or may not show you depending on how dirty your hands are. We’ve already preordered our copy of the new book from Amazon and it’s not even being released until July 14th. It’s already at the top of the Amazon best seller lists and, again, IT’S NOT OUT

Don’t go to this site unless you are a mature individual. Sadly, we are not.

UNTIL JULY. Just so you know, we will be out sick from work and won’t be accepting calls on July 14th. You’ve been warned.

3. Want extra money? We’re going to present a weird idea to you and we just ask that you come along on the ride with us. It seems that along with blood, plasma, bone marrow, kidneys, livers, sperm, and eggs, you can also donate poop. Yes, poop. This article begged to be read and we did it so that you don’t have to. Here’s the deal. You have poop and you’re not currently using it for anything, right? So now you can donate it to a company called OpenBiome for up to $13,000 a year. Whaaaaaaaa? you’re probably saying, right? That’s what we said! It’s actually used as medicine for people with a horribly wretched infection called C. difficile. The only issue is that OpenBiome is elitist when it comes to their poop donors. They only end up accepting  about 4% of the people who attempt the screening. Sadly, that means that you can’t just box up your poop and  mail it on in and expect a check. We formally request that when you ignore our advise you don’t mention The Quill Sisters or this site when the FBI comes to see you. We have enough of our own troubles.

4. They’re not registered at Target. We really hope you kept the receipt for those sterling silver sporks you got in anticipation of Charles Manson’s (80) wedding to his fiancée who goes by Star (26). Sadly the marriage license expired yesterday without a wedding taking place. We told you about this fiasco back in the November 21 5 Things. There was no reason given for the delay in the nuptials because of course there’s not. No reporters ever ask the questions the people want ~ nay NEED ~ to know. We can only hope that someone came to their senses. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t find a caterer.

5. OMFG Foxes! There is a place in Japan, Zao Fox Village in the Miyagi Prefecture, that has a fox sanctuary. Tourists can go there  and see all the adorable foxes and buy food to feed them. Like a petting zoo! It says RIGHT IN THE ARTICLE that foxes can be tamed and made into pets. Imagine the look we are giving you right now. We’re looking to schedule some time to head over to Japan. Leave us a note in the comments if you want one, also. We figure if we’re already picking up two, a few more won’t be that much more trouble. Besides, THEY’RE FOXES! We love their tails even though that’s obvious. Everyone loves their tails. But we’re also quite fond of those stylish black stocking legs. Adorable!

This video has just come to our attention. This is vital information and we don’t know how we missing this last year. It would have been really, really good to have it when we were seven, but alas, we had to figure this stuff out on our own.

We agree with pretty much everything here. Especially about the raisins. Raisins are communist and should be banned right along with carob. Nasty, nasty things.

There are moments when I can see the future just as sure as day. The particular future I see isn’t pretty.

I see myself with I Love Lucy hennaed hair and sequins–because why the hell not? There’s probably no lipstick because I would spend all my time picking the cat hair out of it. I can’t resist kissing a cat if they’re amenable. Just ask all the cats of my acquaintance.

So there I’ll be, looking like a Las Vegas chorus girl put out to pasture with a motley collection of cats. Or dogs. Really, it could be either or both. If I could clone Jojo Kittywiggles that’s what I’d do. And then have like forty of them. That’s  how much I love this cat. It’s a bit disconcerting. I worry about him all the time.

It’s possible that I might need professional help.

If you need proof of my eccentricity, I give you Exhibit A. I’ve taken to dressing up the cat in little outfits. Go ahead, roll your eyes, I would if someone told me they do this. It’s truly an insane thing to do.

When I found this outfit on Amazon  I had to have it. HAD. TO. HAVE. IT.

Surely you understand why.

This cat puts up with an awful lot from me.

I’m so excited! I finally typed the words, The End on my latest manuscript. This book has taken forever and I’m exhausted by it. I’ve been hard at it for months and months and months and months.

I had to take a break today to help Sassy with her science project. Ava has been complaining about science projects for

This could not be truer

years, but I’ve only been involved for the last year because my kids are younger than hers.

But, my hatred of the science project is just as real as hers is now.

Sassy and I had to go to the neighborhood park to get her data. It involved a 100 ft. tape measure and several Frisbees. It was all very scientific (please note the ironic eye roll.)

We had to dodge approximately 47 dogs, 9 small children, and, in the saddest moment of young adulthood yet, 3 young people who emerged from a stereo-thumping car to take selfies of themselves twerking. I’d say I weep for today’s youth, but I’m absolutely certain the 40-somethings were saying the same about us when we were 20. I can’t think what we were doing that was quite that obnoxious, but it’s possible my memory is flawed because I was drunk much of my 20’s.

Today, I yelled at people several times, “Hey, we’re science-ing over here!” It was all very Midnight Cowboy.

You know, now that I think on it, science fair projects might be a whole lot easier to take if we were all drunk at the time.

Maybe I’ll do a graph on it.

Today is National Croissant Day. Our kids think we make these days up as an excuse to eat bakery items. We don’t need an excuse. We’ll eat a bakery item for no reason whatsoever. But, you know, when it’s the NATIONAL day of commemoration of something like a croissant it seems somehow unpatriotic not to eat one. Even though they’re French. Also, the economy is counting on us eating croissants. We can’t have the closure of another bakery on our conscious again. We don’t need that kind of stress. Nobody needs that kind of stress. Everybody ~ just eat a croissant and calm down. It’s all going to be ok. Read this funny stuff and breathe…

1. They’re doing it wrong. A woman in New Hampshire went to a Burger King drive-thru and, instead of getting her Jr. Spicy chicken sandwich, she got a bag full of cash. $2,361 to be exact.  Apparently, the braniac working the drive-thru gave her the bank deposit. The woman called her husband and together they decided to return the cash. The Sisters wonder all the time what we’d do in this situation. We’re not sure we’d be such upstanding citizens. We will tell you what, though. If we took that deposit back to the store, we sure as hell expect free milkshakes for the rest of our lives.

2. SkyMall red tag sale. Ya’ll, the SkyMall is declaring bankruptcy. You know, that catalog in the back of your seat on an airplane that sells A-MAZE-ING things you never knew you needed for way more than any normal person is willing to spend. Like the cat Litter Robot for $359.00. We expect there’ll be a massive clearance sale. The kind where you have to stand around in a store and do math so you know if 70% off is a reasonable price to pay for a robot litter box. Before the sale, we’re gonna make a Burger King run. You want anything?

3. Bad waitresses! Amylynn met Ava for lunch at a restaurant near Ava’s office. We were super excited because there was going to be pizza. AND DESSERT. The dessert menu looked incredible and we carefully plotted out our meal – a greek pizza and a Margherita to split in half and share and cheesecake with lemon prosecco zabaglione. While we were working through Amylynn’s plot issues, the ladies at the next table received their dessert. Amylynn had to immediately inquire as to what they’d ordered because it looked and smelled incredible ~ a giant piece of warm, fudgy chocolate cake with gelato. The ladies turned out to be a hoot! Nancy the Artist demanded our spoons and then gave us each a heaping bite while Joy the Dietician

Our gorgeous stylist!

chortled away on the other side of the booth. All we can say is thank god they were so generous because our crappy waitress did such a horrible job we didn’t have time to order any dessert of our own. Bad waitress. Bad, bad, bad. Thank you, Nancy and Joy. We have true love for you and your dessert sharing ways.

4. Free hand massages. It’s no secret that the Sisters are in love with our salon. J. Scordato’s Salon gives us the most glorious color you’ve ever seen. Today when Amylynn went in to have the grays banished back to hell, not only did she leave with glorious hair and sparkling conversation, but also a free hand massage from Mami. Amylynn’s hands hurt all the time. It’s the cost of all that typing. When she was offered a free massage she almost cried. Seriously. The idea that someone would rub her hands with almond lotion is enough to make her a lifetime devotee. Thank you, Jackie and Mami.

5. The Nightly Show! Once again Comedy Central has brought us another brilliant “news” show that’s often smarter than the regular “news” shows with the side effect of being funny on purpose. (NOT like Fox News isn’t funny because that sh*t is funny, everything they say makes us laugh.What’s that you say? It’s not supposed to be funny? Surely, you’re mistaken because that station is hysterical.) Larry Wilmore used to be on The Daily Show as the Senior Black Correspondent. You’re not there yet, Mr. Wilmore, but if you keep up the good work you’ll soon join the pantheon of Smart/Funny Men The Quill Sisters Have Crushes On.

So we got this weird phone message at the house line regarding some money owed to the IRS. My initial reaction was, “Whaaaaa?” I wrote down the number and called this morning.

The man who answered made me immediately suspicious. His Indian accent was so thick I could barely understand him. He rattled off something about the call being recorded by the IRS, legal officials, and the police. My eyebrows gathered together.

Then he said that the IRS had audited us from 2008 and 2012 and determined that we had willfully attempted to fraud the US Government out of $3,981.00. I thought that was odd.

Let me just stop the narrative at this point to tell you that, IF I was inclined to commit fraud against the US Government it would be for a hell of a lot more than $3,981.00. I’m not going to prison for that paltry sum. I can’t even get a decent black market panda for less than $20,000. I’ve checked.

Back to the story.

He then informed me that they were seizing all my property and putting me in jail. I calmly asked if he intended to send me the regular round of official correspondence in this regard? He rattled off some highly accented bullshit legalese that I could barely understand but the gist of it was that he didn’t have to. He basically followed that up with the Hindu version of nanny-nanny-poo-poo.

Obviously I was highly suspicious at this point.

I asked if there was possibly someone who spoke English that I could speak to about this matter. That’s when he got nasty. Nastier, actually. He yelled at me that the sheriff would be at my front door with agents from the IRS to arrest me in the next 45 minutes. Seriously. Not 46 minutes and not 44. He knew the time frame.

Then HE hung up on ME!

I got off the phone and Googled the phone number and – surprise, surprise – there was a gazillion responses about this scam. So I blocked my caller-id and called the number back.

He answered right away.

“What are you wearing?” I asked. He hung up.

I waited an hour. I wanted to make sure he knew the sheriff hadn’t shown yet and I couldn’t wait around all day. I have things to do today. Nevertheless, I was willing to hang in there if they promised solitary confinement.

Awesome jpg borrowed from lifehacker.com

I called back. “I’m with the Homeland Security. We have reason to believe you have woefully–” He hung up again.

I wrote a page of Chapter 34 and called the number again.

“Is Barbara there?”

He didn’t immediately hang up. Score! He informed me in his accent that there was no Barbara there.

“How about Walter?”

“No.”

“Gwendolyn?”

“No.” He was beginning to get a bit huffy.

“Phillip?”

“No.”

“OK. Just tell Juan Fernando Guadalupe Jorge Rodriguez that I’m on the line for him.”

I think my giggling clued him in. It couldn’t have been my outstanding Spanish accent. He hung up.

I’m not insulted. I’ll check back in with him tomorrow.

The Quill Sisters will be at the Glendale Chocolate Affair this Saturday and you should come see us. We have to say, we’re a bit freaked out about the festival being in the same city the day before the Super Bowl, but we’re game.

We can only hope there are a gazillion women who love romance novels because we’ll be there.

With romance novels.

And chocolate.

It’s all in the name.

We’ll be there on Saturday, January 31 from 10-2 in the romance writers booth in Historic Downtown Glendale.

We can’t wait to see you.

If this was true, I’d need to take out a loan.