January 2

For the 5 Things this week, we thought we’d all enjoy a look back at our favorite Things from 2014. We enjoyed going back through all 52 weeks and reading those posts all over again. We don’t know about you, but we think we’re funny. Hilarious at times. Sarcastic mostly. Absurd consistently. It’s like we’re channeling Monty Python and Dorothy Parker at the same time, which is totally confusing. What is even more bizarre is that, in person, we’re just as baffling. See if you agree with our choices.  Even if you don’t, you’ll probably still laugh. Or at least snort. Maybe just shake your

We would like to point out that this is a depiction of a womb–not a portrait.

head, perplexed. What ever. Just enjoy yourselves. We’ve included the links to the original posts, too, so you can read the whole darn thing if you want to. Here we go.

1. January 17 – New weight loss plan. We figure with the new year starting and all those weight loss goals waiting ahead, this was a good way to start off the year. Additionally, there is an inside joke that arose after the initial posting of this Thing that still cracks us up. Trust us here–it was ridiculous. Here we go. Swedish doctors are implanting new (well, new to them anyway) wombs in women who are unable to use their own. After we got over the ick factor, we thought we’d be happy to give up our wombs. After all, we’re not using them anymore.  They’re just taking up valuable space in there. How much does a womb weigh anyway? Seven pounds or so, we speculate. Anyone interested in a gently used womb, let us know. We’d love to go to Sweden – assuming the pilots can get us to the right airport.

2. February 14 – The puppy savior. We had A LOT of posts about animals and our deep and abiding desire for many of them. Over the course of the year we only managed to pick up two kittens. No moose. No koala. No Quoka. Well, it’s a new year. Here it is. Everyone on the planet has heard of Gus Kenworthy and his plan to save the puppies of Sochi. If you haven’t, go here. We have a theory that it’s all an elaborate plan to get laid. Don’t misunderstand. We adore Gus for doing what he’s doing, and we’d have done the same thing. Maybe all the estrogen boiling over across the world is a lovely karmic side effect. Whatever. Gus deserves what ever he gets. By the way he won a silver medal for his event. Don’t ask us what it was called. Some insane crap on skis that we’re never giving our children permission to do. We also think that the puppy he’s holding here should be named Bernard.

3. May 16 – Everyone needs a hobby. Now that one of us is unemployed and the other is furiously unhappy about her employment status, we thought we should take another look at this story. There is some serious possibility with this. Here we go. We’ve been trying to figure out how to fill our days at Bank of No Forks and we have recently been inspired by a 34-year-old hairdresser from Virginia. She is now among the world’s most elite counterfeiters. She discovered that she could erase the ink from five dollar bills by soaking them in “Purple Power” degreaser and rubbing them with toothbrushes. She dried the blank, water-marked bills with a hairdryer, then ran them through an HP printer and TADAA! Now she had fifty and one hundred-dollar bills. Did you know Amazon will deliver a five gallon bucket of that degreaser for $58.00. We’re just sayin’.

4. August 29 – No Gnomes known. We have lots of ideas for shenanigans that never come to fruition. We blame the fact that we’re basically lazy. When we were younger, we would have totally orchestrated something like what happens in this story. Oooooh, the possibilities are numerous.  We can’t explain why they use garden gnomes, but the Socialist Party placed about 400 of them about 3 yards off the ground on lamp posts in Vienna.  Unfortunately for them, they were stolen.  Blame has been placed on the People’s Party, who deny all involvement.  We don’t really care about the theft beyond wondering what the criminals are planning on doing with those gnomes.  Will they replace them all over Vienna?  Will all 400 be placed together like the terra-cotta warriors?  Terra cotta is used to make flower pots, right?  So garden gnomes are almost exactly like, but totally different from, the terra-cotta warriors, right? Our new idea would be to have them all show up at the Socialist Party headquarters and stare in the windows with derision.

5. November 28 – We need a koala. There were also several mentions of politicians in our roster this year. There was another story when we considered running for political office when we learned they get to adopt lions. This might be our year. The G20 Summit was held this month in Brisbane, Australia. All the leaders of the world show up to discuss important things like ending the Ebola epidemic and fixing the economy. This is important stuff, we think we’ll all agree. But the most important thing happened when the koalas showed up. It seems the Sisters are never in the right place at the right time. You can’t believe how envious we are that they got to actually HOLD A KOALA. No one will even let us touch one. Damn it! The Sisters are considering running for president. Two women are better than whatever else they can come up with. We don’t really want the job, but the perks are outrageous.