NEW RELEASES
Why do doctor’s offices even make appointments
We bet you wish you’d bought a raffle ticket
As mentioned about a week ago – the Sisters put together a raffle basket for our local RWA chapter fund-raiser. It was to contain a bunch of our favorite things. At first, Ava was all in. It sounded like a great idea. After all, what could be easier than gathering up items that make us happy? Then she started to wonder – what the hell will people think of us when they see a basket loaded up with a bunch of stuff only crazy people would love???
The real basket
Because we trust you to still love us, here’s the list of some of the rejected items:
.22 Handgun – don’t judge, we live in a state with no gun laws and we have a pink Hello Kitty model, honestly, we thought everyone would want one, too, but our spouses said “No.” See annoying spouses below.
A living animal – this idea was immediately abandoned, no way we wouldn’t keep a wiggly puppy for ourselves and then we’d keep buying them saying – “This next one really goes in the basket, really, the very next one . . .”
4 children – that had the FBI showing up written all over it, we’re pretty sure they’re already following us around anyway after the whole TSA Desert Airport fiasco.
2 annoying spouses – we realized everyone’s got one of those and they wouldn’t fit in the basket anyway.
Vegetables we grew ourselves – this one’s just a joke, we were looking for someplace to put last night’s dinner other than in a napkin under the table.
Then we realized this was a very inaptly named basket – we couldn’t really raffle off a basket called – The Quill Sister’s Favorite Things and Some Crap We Want To Get Rid Of.
We did let people know that we have a Chapstick obsession and we admitted to our great love for Hellboy which we think made us appear slightly eccentric but still approachable – rather than flat-out crazy.
We don’t know. Maybe we just need to face the fact that perhaps we’re crazy.
Squeeeeeeeee!
So you’ll never guess what happened. You might. Go ahead and guess. I don’t think you’ll guess.
Should I tell you?
Don’t worry, I’m totally going to tell you.
These are the flowers and balloons Ava and the lovely girls from Bank of No Forks got for me because on Tuesday, my lovely agents contacted me with an offer from Carina Press to publish the contemporary romance I wrote this year.
Then on Wednesday I got ANOTHER offer.
Yep. I got to decide who will publish my book. I’ve been pretty giddy all week.
Sooooo, I’ve talked with the acquiring editor at Carina – who is LOVELY. Wanna know how lovely?
Alissa, Angela, and I and the entire acquisition team went head over heels (stomach?) for hunky Mark and there were quite a few mentions of just how satisfying it was to see curvy Holly trump the conventionally beautiful Marisol in the “gotta have her” department. From the mouth-watering confections to the sassy banter, we are all onboard and so excited about this project.
Isn’t that lovely?
OH! AND It’s a multi-book deal. I’m a little freaked out about writing under a contract deadline, but Ava’s pretty sure I can pull it off.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
November 1
Wow! This week has really worn us out. Monday was a NIGHTMARE. We’re actually thinking some legislation needs to be passed restricting insane people’s access to email. Haven’t you received mail from someone that made your hair set on fire and it really would have been better for everyone involved if the sender wasn’t allowed to use email. Then Tuesday something SUPER EXCITING happened. You will be filled in at length in the coming week. Wednesday, Amylynn’s dog tried to commit suicide. Thursday something even more exciting 
happened that related to the wonderment of Tuesday. Friday came along and we’re emotionally drained. DRAINED. Still, funny things happened around the world and we found some of them.
1. Secret Mowers. The world has completely gone to hell. Criminal activity is out of control. Citizens of the world are running amok. If you were in doubt, we present this latest evidence. Someone in Liebenfels, Austria is running around mowing people’s grass. Really, what is the world coming to? How are we supposed to rest easy at night knowing that people are indiscriminately mowing fields? Why can’t people just leave other people’s grass 
alone? Why? Oh,the humanity.
2. Happiness and Health. A professor at the University of Arizona has stated, “We can design places for happiness and health.” We were pretty sure that’s exactly what Starbucks was, but we’re always up for an education so we read further. The good professor suggests that places that smell of lavender improve our mood. Also, seeing the trees outside will make you feel better. We are pretty secure in saying that there could be twelve-foot lavender bushes outside Bank of No Forks and that wouldn’t make us happy. We’re wondering how we’d feel if we just shoved a 
lavender twig up our nose. If nothing else, that might get us a leave of absence from work. That would make us happy, just sayin’.
3. Good restaurants. Amylynn had a hankering for a gyro this week so she took Ava over to a place she used to go – The Shish Kabob House. It was every bit as good as she remembered. Even better was the waiter. We informed him that the restaurant was going to be featured in Our Favorite Things and he was suitably impressed. 
Terrence expressed pleasure at the idea, stating, “I haven’t been anyone’s favorite thing in a really long time.” He was as awesome as the potato chip/french fries hybrid next to our gyro. Honest to Zeus, best potato option since the French invented the pommes frites .
4. The Vampire Diaries. Generally, the Sisters don’t watch the CW – too much drama. But, they’ve 
made an exception for the Vampire Diaries. Look at the photo right here to see why. This show is supposed to be about teenagers for teenagers. That is clearly not the case with all of the sex and drinking going on. 
You’ll love it too. Look here to see why. See?
5. Our cup runneth over. Every year the Sisters wait for Victoria’s Secret to present its bejeweled fantasy bra. We truly believe that one of our spouses will buy it for us for the holidays. We believe it, don’t judge. Every year that dream is dashed by the ridiculously small cup size of the bra. For some unknown reason, it’s always an A. Do the folks at VS think only tiny chest-free woman want a bra covered in gems? This year’s model has a 52-carat ruby dangling from the center the size of someone’s head. Rubies are one of our favorites. We also favor the 4200 additional rubies, blue and yellow sapphires and diamonds handset in the 18K gold. Sadly, we’re not getting the bra again this year. As hard as we tried, we weren’t able to diet down from our Ds to an A. Deep sigh.
Have I got a Halloween story for you…
Since I’m the one who gets phone calls from my husband that say, “Come home right now!” CLICK. I think it’s only fair that he be poked awake in the wee hours with the following:
“Honey, I’m sorry to wake you up, but I’m dealing with a lot of blood here and I need your help.”
I do excel at the understatement in an emergency.
When I fed the dogs at 10:30 everyone was fine. When I went to let them in at 11:00 the back yard looked like a Halloween movie. There was blood everywhere. I couldn’t tell which dog it was coming from even as I followed the blood trail into the house. Of course, you know they were sitting on the livingroom carpet when I caught up with them. I 
determined it was Roscoe because he just sat there looking freaked out. Winnie on the other hand was vibrating with anxiety, practically hovering over him. I still couldn’t figure out where the blood was coming from. His whole body seemed covered with it and mud, all four feet, his chest and muzzle. I couldn’t coax him into the bathroom for better light, so that’s when I went to get My Honey.
Together we got him to the kitchen where we determined his foot was injured. I still couldn’t really see what was happening but I got a big clue when blood started spraying around the kitchen with every heartbeat. By now he was mostly immobile. Not Winnie. She hopped about, whining. I grabbed a bunch of paper towels and an old bath towel and wrapped the hell out of his leg. That’s when Jojo Kitty became so helpful. He climbed all over Roscoe and tromped 
around in the blood, tracking red kitty prints through the house. Really, with all the other blood everywhere, it didn’t make much difference. At least his wee prints were cute. It took over an hour to wipe down the kitchen, mop all the house tile, scrub the rug, and spray off the back porch.
$853 and fifteen stitches later, the sad doggy is home. Honestly, there’s nothing sadder than a bloodhound in a Cone of Shame. We’re down $1,500 this month alone in pet expenses. I told the rest of the animals to lay low through 2015 ’cause we’ve gone WAY over the pet portion of our budget.
We have no idea what he did to himself. I have my suspicions with this particular holiday and all.
I’m keeping a very close eye on him just to make sure he doesn’t turn into a werewolf tonight.
It’s nice when all the colors go together
We had an assistant during pumpkin carving this evening.
It’s quite nice that he’s orange don’t you think? Very festive.
Every day is National Cat Day
This montage of entitled cats proves my point.
Real world advice from the people who say it like it is
I present to you the Amylynn and Ava read aloud from Dear Abby portion of our morning ritual.
This is the letter in question
Dear Abby,
My fiancée, “Tina” and I made a resolution to lose weight for our wedding. Everything has been going great except for one thing. (Here’s where we roll our eyes in anticipation of the “THING”) because men lose weight faster than women, I know weigh less at 6 foot 1 than she does at 5 feet 4.
Tina already has self-esteem issues. I want to look good for our wedding, but not at the cost of my fiancée’s hurt feelings. What can I do?
-At A Loss In Michigan
Abby suggested nice pop-psychology answers that are very newspaper friendly. We’d like to offer AALIM some real world 
advice. He’s gonna need it.
Dear At A Loss,
Go get some beer and some lovely carbs and start bulking up. Right now. Get in the car. There is nothing that pisses women off more than men losing weight faster and easier than women. There is no solution other than putting on some weight as fast as you can. We also suggest you do this in the closet because if she catches you eating cake when she’s had nothing but miserable meat and water for the last three months you’re going to die. Slowly.
This is actually a great test to see if you can become a successful husband. Women know they’re crazy. We’ve all embraced it. However, losing weight faster than her for your FREAKING WEDDING is the worst possible thing you could do. She’d probably take cheating on her at the bachelor party easier than you weighing less than her.
This is a problem. No kidding around.
Actually, we think your fiancée should reconsider this whole thing. No woman needs this kind of nonsense.
We don’t understand why people get so bent out of shape over kidnapping.
Sarah Wendell of SmartBitchesTrashyBooks came to our writing group this weekend to discuss critiques and clichés. She was super-duper fabulous! Her information was spot on and she is a hilarious speaker – one of the best I’ve ever seen. Amy and I discussed keeping her at one point, kind of like a pound puppy, but then we found out she had children . . . We could have listened to her for hours more.
This actually may be the same jacket.
The venue that the meeting was held at was new to our club and there really wasn’t enough space to hold us all and Sarah (although she’s a tiny little thing) and our annual giant fund raising raffle. While everyone else was appreciating Sarah’s talk – I was appreciating Sarah’s clothing choices. Being stuck in the corner of the room, with no direct line of site to the projector screen, I fixated on her outfit. Sarah wore the ultimate “I’m going to Tucson in Oct to Speak to a RWA Group” ensemble. She was chicly attired in a dusty pink jacket with chiffon ruffles peeking out from the hem and sleeves. She smartly paired the pink jacket with the perfect color mid-grey low pumps BUT the “pièce de résistance” was that the pumps had a ruffle along the top there-by echoing the ruffles on the jacket. She finished it off with black slacks and a grey lace top. Lovely.
Here are the pound puppies we want since we can’t keep Sarah.
Just so you all know, I wasn’t the only crazy person in the room reviewing Sarah’s attire instead of giving my full attention to the lecture – someone else was doing it as well. I won’t give her name away (Amanda) but this person asked Sarah if she could take a picture of her shoes. Sarah didn’t bat an eyelash and readily agreed. She lives in Jersey and I’m sure she’s been asked by other strangers to take photos of far stranger personal items than her nattily attired feet . . .
October 25
We all got a new boss today at Bank of No Forks. Ava is always excited about that, certain that this new person will be the one to help us. “I like him,” she’ll say. Amylynn, on the other hand, will give Ava that look and say for the umpteenth time, “Ava, you’re so pretty.” As the realist, Amylynn reserves judgment. She’s more of a let’s-wait-and-see kind of a person. She gets less disappointed that way. Still, we got a free lunch out of the deal. Free lunch is good. Especially when it’s egg salad sandwiches with mayo,
Borrowed from the Witty people at Daily Finance
1. Dollar Menu. The McDonalds corporation is introducing some higher priced options in their dollar menu. That’s not funny, just stupid. What is funny is that they’re calling it “Dollar Menu and More”. Don’t you think it’s insane how stupid corporations think we are. It’s not “Dollar and More”, it’s just Menu at this point. So we think we’re going to change us to Quill Sisters and More. The More will be more snark, more sarcasm, and more 
absurdist articles about animals our husbands, and sometimes the government, won’t let us have.
2. Crotchety old men. We have a lot of retirement communities out here. Usually they’re very quiet and you don’t hear anything about them except for maybe a string of burglaries once in a while. There was some excitement this week, though. A 68-year-old gentleman woke up and his wife wasn’t in bed, so he went out to the guest house and found his 63-year-old wife in bed with a 22-year-old man. The old gent poked the kid with his cane – we love that part – to wake him up and tell him to get out. We hope he poked him REALLY hard. We can’t wait till we can start poking people with canes. The kid got all belligerent and cursed the old man out, which prompted the old man to go get
Oh MY!
3.British Tushies. The British Rowing Team does a calendar every year in an effort to fight homophobia. Naked. Yes indeed. Naked as the day they were born. Each and every one of these boys has a perfect body from all that…rowing. And being young. The calendar is a thing of beauty, we’ll tell you. There are pictures of naked rowing. And naked swimming. And naked shaving. And chasing puppies around in a field. Naked. With strategically placed weeds and such. Follow the jump and you’ll
We always ask for crazy shit really nicely
4.Hall of Frames. We showed up at this business this week with an insane request. We realized it was outrageous, but nevertheless, we had every intention of making it. We needed some things framed for an event and we needed them in record time. AND we didn’t want to pay very much for it. We went to Hall of Frames because they guy who runs the place is really nice. He’s also a little odd, which we find appealing. We were waiting outside the store before it opened. To begin the schmoozing process we held his coffee while he opened the door. Then the man with the stars tattooed on his face proceeded to TOTALLY HELP US. Surely you know from our blog, that never actually happens.
No one really helps us. Ever. So, Jeff from Hall of Frames, you are officially the most talented, nicest guy to put up with our crazy whims since our grandfather died. Good work. We’re going to keep you – you will be the only person we ever ask to do our framing. We’ll bet your sorry now.
5. Keancolor Nail Polish. Amylynn found this stuff on the internet and we’re officially in love. The colors are outstanding – especially the Holo colors. The sparkle is mesmerizing. Never in a million years did we ever think we’d consider wearing green nail polish, but there it is, on our toes. We can’t stop looking at it, which is a serious problem, especially when we’re driving or on the stairs. The best part? We’ll be able to compliment our full-body casts nicely when we’re released from the hospital.