NEW RELEASES
Cause we have “booby-ness” too
We love Sophia Vergara. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Not only is she GORGEOUS but she’s delightfully funny. Absolutely unbeatable combination.
Why we’re calling in sick tomorrow
Unless you’re living in a vacuum, you may have heard that there seems to be some sort of kerfuffle in Washington DC about this health care business. We have no answers for that, although we’d like those bozos to come up with one. The latest in the threats to come out of the nation’s capital is another government shut-down.
You never think this is going to affect you. We live very far from DC. We don’t know anyone with a government job, per se. We realize that we’re not really looking at the big picture here. What happens is the Sisters decide how much we’re getting involved by how negatively something will impact our lives. “So far, so good,” we thought about this latest threat. 
Until we learned that this shut-down was going to turn off the Panda Cam at the National Zoo.
WHAT!?! we shrieked. How will we go on?
Then, in a moment of perfect clarity, we realized that this could be a very good thing indeed. If there’s no Panda Cam there will be no video of us stealing ourselves a couple of pandas for our personal use.
We’ve planned it all out. We’re taking our panda-like substitute, Carlo, to replace Mai Xiang and her little panda pumpkin so when the cameras come back on, no one will notice anything amiss.
Honestly, we don’t know how this plan could possibly fail.
Brrrrrrrr! Not really.
So the calendar tells me that winter is here. Well, OK, if they’re sure.
I’m not sure because it’s still plenty warm outside. I put a jug for sun tea and it was ready in 32.7 seconds.
I stumbled across this and it made me feel like putting on a sweater.
September 27
Do you realize there are less than 90 shopping days until Christmas? 69 days until Ava’s birthday. Sooner, but no less important, it’s only 4 days till the start of hockey season. Can you believe how time just FLIES by? Remember when you were a kid, adults were always trying to tell you that time passed so quickly and you didn’t believe them. Wow, it’s so true. We don’t really like it. Sadly, no amount of complaining makes time slow down. Unless you working at Bank of No Forks. Then, for at least nine hours a day, time moves at the
We do like fat birds
1. Kiwis to the Antarctic. We learned that a New Zealand airline is planning regular flights to the Antarctic. When we heard this we thought, well that will be an opportunity lost. The Sisters have no plans to go to the Antarctic because it’s very, very cold there, and we don’t do the cold. Once the temp outside hits 70 we’re complaining about the bitter weather and digging out the fur coats. Then we read further in the article and discovered it’s only for scientists and their support crews. Now we’re disappointed we won’t be allowed go. That’s discrimination and now we feel like complaining about it. We don’t like being told no. We’re smart enough to be scientists, we just chose to write a snarky blog instead. Still, we probably wouldn’t be scientists that study “cold” anyway. We have no idea why
All that fish makes you thirsty
2. Mindful bears. Did you know that if a bear wanders into your bar in Juneau, Alaska all you have to do is yell, “No bear! Get out! No! You can’t be in here!” and said bear will go back outside? Who would have thought that wild bears can mind better than children? We’ve tried yelling that exact same thing (substituting “kid” for “bear”) and nothing
Litsemba with her son
3. Cruelty to elephants. The 24-year-old elephant in the zoo is pregnant. We are beyond delighted by that news. At least we were until we read that the zoo keepers have every intention of making certain Litsemba gets plenty of exercise during the pregnancy. Did you know the gestational period for elephants is 24 months. TWO YEARS! They’re 
going to make that poor girl exercise after she’s been carrying an ELEPHANT around in her stomach for TWO YEARS? Jeeez, and they wonder why pregnant women are so nasty.
4. New money! They’ve redesigned the $100 dollar bill. They’re describing it as “glitzier”. Oooooh. What’s not enticing about glitzy money? There is part of the Declaration of Independence and a quill and ink well that changes color. To commemorate the occasion, we’ve called our local Federal Reserve bank and ordered up a sheet of uncut bills. We requested one suitable for framing. They asked what credit card we wanted to use. Well, none of course. We’re the Quill Sisters. It has our name right there on the bill. They hung up on us. What the hell is that all about? They’re printing 2.5 billion new bills and they can’t spare one sheet of them for the namesake? All that complaining and now that black car is sitting in the driveway again. 
5. Faux Filibusters. We’re always thinking of new careers. Bank of No Forks will do that to you. This latest opportunity was one we’d never even considered. Honestly, we didn’t know it was even a thing, but now that we do know, we’re getting business cards made up. Filibusters R Us. So you know how we prattle on here at the blog? We can do that in person too. Our husbands are always asking what we could possibly have to talk about since we spend nine hours a day together and then still manage to have things to say via text all evening. Don’t you run out of things to say? No, indeed. We do not. Trust us when we say we could stand in front of Congress and talk for twenty hours. We wouldn’t even have to read Dr. Suess.
With love from the historical romance authors
From the lovely artists at BirdBoxStudios.
Let’s just hope for the best, shall we?
I know you people don’t believe me when I tell you about these things. You think I make this stuff up. Even my own mother calls up to verify some things.
Yesterday’s blog was about Jojo Kitty and his personal vendetta against a pineapple. Yesterday, when I got home from Bank of No Forks, I found an orange Hannibal Lector in the kitchen.
Poor pineapple.
I got action photos this time.
It is my understanding that the pineapple will be served for dinner this evening.
I’m afraid of what this means. Will Jojo Kitty be appeased by the demise of the pineapple and settle down? OR will he feel the need to deflect his ire and wrath on another fruit or vegetable? There are some eggplants and an acorn squash he’s showed no interest in until now.
What if he decides he’s graduated from inanimate objects and goes for the dog? OR ME? What if he starts demanding virgin sacrifice? I’m safe but what about the neighbors?
This is a lot to worry about.
Evidence in case anything happens to me
I have stuff to share with you all.
That cat of mine might be insane. More insane than regular cats. I have pictorial evidence.
Exhibit 1. Innocent Pineapple
mutilated pineapple
We bought a pineapple. They smelled really good at the grocery store so we thought, what the hell. We set it on the kitchen counter thinking nothing of it. We had no idea that Jojo Kitty would find that piece of produce offensive. It turns out that he is against pineapple. I’m not sure if this is a religious affiliation or a political one, but whatever the reason he wants it dead. He wants it dead, its whole pineapple family dead, and he’s very serious about it.
Look at this poor piece of fruit. Pathetic.
Bowl of Death
2. Disconcerting use of toys
On more that one occasion, I have walked into the kitchen only to discover that he is drowning his toys. You’ll note the picture has both a yellow pipecleaner (these are his favorite toy bar none) and a leopard print catnip mouse at the bottom of the water bowl the cats share with the dogs. Here’s the thing. He doesn’t just gently drop his toys in the bowl and watch, detached, until they get waterlogged and sink. No. He actively drowns them by holding them to the bottom with a fuzzy foot of death. When caught in this act he doesn’t look even the slightest bit sheepish. He looks at you like, WHAT?
Weird, man. And more than a bit off-putting.
A bit off topic, I was at a local independent bookstore today. Here’s the best shelf in the place.
Mostly Books on Speedway
The meaning of life as told by a pop star
Many years ago, no longer being a teenager and all, I came to the realization that I know very little about anything. And each and every day that goes by contains further proof that I know even less than nothing about everything.
Sometimes, I learn new stuff from a surprising source. No, not the Bank of No Forks – seriously, I know what a small dessert is. A small dessert is an item that makes me extremely unhappy.
But I digress. I learned something from Justin Timberlake. No need to run for your glasses, you read that right.
J U S T I N T I M B E R L A K E.
The children who live at my house love, love, love him. They think he’s a great singer, actor, and comedian. They have no idea that he used to be a geeky 11-year-old Mouseketeer. Apparently, neither does JayZ.
There was an interview with him in the New York Times. In it he says and I quote “Y’know, life doesn’t happen in
This would be the “Demin area” – so you’re not confused.
WTF? He couldn’t have come up with that on his own. Who has he been talking to? It can’t be JayZ, that crazy named his baby “Blue Ivy” for crying out loud!
If anyone had ever told me I’d learn a usable quote from Justin Timberlake I would have laughed myself silly. But there you have it; I’ve used it twice already. Now if he could just figure out the instructions for that gray area, we’d be all set.
You work on that Justin Freud. Thanks.
I’m feeling more and more like Papa Hemingway
Monday’s coming. I swear that makes me feel like drinking.
We were at Costco today getting our regular stuff – 80 tons of laundry soap, 275 rolls of toilet paper, 57 lbs of hamburger. You know – the regular trip.
This was the display that met us as we went in the front door.
HOLY ALCOHOLIC, BATMAN.
That large one is 18 litres. I looked it up. They call that a Melchior, after one of the biblical Wise Men. It’s 24 standard bottles of wine and 90 glasses.
90 glasses.
I have questions. The thing was insanely huge. How the hell do you pour that? You’d need a cherry picker or some sort of leverage system. Perhaps one just uses super long straws.
If you feel a bit intimidated, might I suggest the one on the right.
It’s 12 litres called a Balthazar, another of the Magi. It equals 16 bottles and 60 glasses worth.
I looked this wine and the vineyard up and they have received excellent scores on Wine Spectator.
Now the only problem is coming up with 3,899.99. Who wants in?
September 20
It’s Friday! The day after Thursday! The high holy day at Bank of No Forks. We’re doing a special edition of The Five Things this week. We stumbled on it entirely by accident and then were inspired. You know we pride ourselves in keeping you abreast of all the stupid stuff you need to know. It’s a tough job. Think of all the stupid stuff we have to sift through before we find just the right stupid stuff. Sit back
Scott from his Town & Country shoot
1. Scott Eastwood. Son of Clint. That alone should be sufficient, but we’ll continue. Wow. What a lucky winner of the DNA lottery, huh? He looks remarkably like his father here. Of course, he spouts that nonsense about wanting to earn his celebrity, that he’s not cashing in on his father’s notoriety, so he’s waiting to pay his dues to be a huge star. What the hell ever. He’s 27, what is he waiting for? This is like those lottery winners who
David violining it up
2. David Garrett. David is a German virtuoso violinist who started playing at the age of four. He’s studied everywhere and under all the influential teachers. We haven’t heard him, but we assume the critics know what they’re talking about. When Ava first brought this boy to our attention, Amylynn’s initial reaction was that he seemed arrogant. A big ego turns her off. Ava rightly pointed out that was a stupid thing to say as we had no intention of actually talking to him. Ava is very wise. Probably because she’s five years older than Amylynn. Five whole years. That means she’s way
Prince Carl of the unpronouncable.
3. Prince Carl Phillip, Duke of Varmland. We don’t have any idea where Varmland is. We think they made it up. One of his sisters has an equally hinky name: Princess Madeleine, Duchess of Hälsingland and Gästrikland. What? We’d call shenanigans except they’ve got that prince/princess business in front of their names. And, more importantly, he’s adorable. We’ve long acted like we’re royalty already so hooking up with a
Well, then.
4. Martin Sensmeier. We don’t want you to think we’re not equal opportunity lovers of pretty boys. Or that we are only drawn to Europeans. That is so not true. We present this beautiful American Indian. Honest to whatever God is in charge of hair – have you ever seen anything like it? Nary a split end in sight. Yowza. We’d also like to point out that there aren’t very many people who can pull off the double denim phenomenon without looking like
BIRKIN!! by Hermes
5. Hermes Birkin bag. If you happen to be a heterosexual of the male persuasion OR any other person who knows nothing about what’s important, the Birkin bag is a uber-ritzy purse originally made by Hermes for model/singer Jane Birkin in the early 1980’s. Now it’s become iconic and the style is produced by many others. An “Exceptional Collection Shiny Rouge H Porosus Crocodile 30 cm Birkin Bag with Solid 18K White Gold & Diamond Hardware” just sold at auction in Dallas for $203,150, making it the world’s most expensive purse. Birkin is a large purse – just right for toting little boys around in.