NEW RELEASES
When bears cave to the pressure
I know that when you read these stories about the Bank of No Forks you think we’re either:
A) Insane
B) The worst employees in the WORLD
C) Totally lying.
I’ll tell you the absolute truth. Dont’ I always? All three of the above assessments are reasonable, but none
Before he went downhill
Still, all of the above adjectives are going to run through your mind when I relate today’s events.
Remember how we have an Italian panda bear named Carlo? Well, that damned bear was drunk today. Drunk, I tell you. We were all sitting at the table in the center of the room doing our current jigsaw puzzle and we let him sit with us. Normally he’s a nice bear and a joy to have around. But lately he’s been hiding puzzle pieces and calling people names, which is wholly uncalled for.
Today was the last straw. He was so damn drunk he was falling out of his chair. We haven’t figured out which one of us is going to claim him as a dependant and get him into rehab, but enough is enough.
Well, at least it isn’t Hal
I’ve not been writing this evening. I’ve been playing with my new IOS7 software update on my iPhone.
The thing I was most excited about – a male Siri voice – was my first change. So now when my phone calls me Serene Royal Highness it does it in a man’s voice. Yes, Siri really calls me Serene Royal Highness. What else would he call me?
So I was listening to him talk to me, just saying the banalities like what in my calendar and who my husband
Alan Rickman – perfect!
“He sounds like that guy. That famous guy. You know the one.” He rolled his wrist and looked at me like he was trying to send me a psychic message. “That guy. The really smart one.”
“OH YEAH!” He was totally right. Now my phone sounds like Stephen Hawking.
I was dreaming about handsome Englishmen (think Colin Firth, Clive Owen, or oooooh oooh oooh how about Alan Rickman! Oh my God, I’d never get anything done. I’d spend the entire day talking with Alan Rickman) or roguish Scots (think kilt) and I got a physicist. It’s a good thing I like smart guys.
*****I just want to note that during the writing of this blog I was attacked by a rogue dragonfly. What the hell is that all about?
I debated….
Shmuel and Shmuella
You won’t believe this but there are actual, real people in the world who believe that mermaids exist despite there being no evidence what-so-ever as proof. But this post isn’t about whether mermaids are real or not, it’s about the new names I’m giving the children at my house.
If they’re out there, they should say “Hi.”
Sunday night, the entire family went upstairs to bed. Ed and I have a TV in our room but the children do not. We swore years ago that our children would never have a TV in their bedrooms. How the heck were we supposed to know that there would be computers and iPods and Gameboys and cell phones and on and on and on??? But, we are people of our word – there are no TVs in those rooms!!
Anyway, that’s not what the blog is about either.
The blog is about the mayor of a seaside town in Israel that is offering one million dollars to anyone who can provide absolute proof that mermaids exist. But the million dollars is not what this blog is about either. The mayor’s first name was Shmuel. SHMUEL. I’m telling the truth here. Had Ed and I known that Shmuel was available for use to name a child we would have not hesitated.
I shout across the hall to the boy who lives at our house – “Guess what? I found you a new name!” I can hear his eyes
The original Shmuel Sisso
But he was wide awake and decided to play along. “What are you watching over there?”
I shout back “Mermaids – The New Evidence”.
He says “I’m going to sleep now because this can’t end well.”
I say “Not until you hear your new name — SHMUEL!”
I hear the girl laughing because she’s not asleep either.
“Go to sleep SHMUELLA!”
Now no one’s laughing and we still don’t have any evidence about the mermaids.
My adventures with a variety of weasels
I went to Laughlin, NV with my family this weekend but sans children. It was a lovely time away from Bank of No Forks and I didn’t have to yell at anyone for four whole days.
The first day we got there and this is who I met. I named her Petunia and she was only about ten feet away when I took
this picture. I saw Petunia again and again as well as her friends over the several days were in Laughlin. Everyone of them was unfailingly polite. I also saw an adorable raccoon. I wasn’t quick enough to get his picture but he was a sprightly thing who wandered across our sidewalk on the way to the river to do some fishing.
I had no idea when I got to Nevada I was going to find new pets.
On Saturday My Honey and I drove up to Las Vegas because, lets face it, there’s not much to entertain in Laughlin besides skunks. We saw Love by Cirque de Soleil at the last-minute so we got excellent pricing for our tickets. What a cool show, and we knew all the words to all the songs. We had dinner at Gordon Ramsay’s Pub & Grill and it was wonderful.
We had a really great time with the exception of the most obnoxious fans in the world. We were stupidly there on a fight night – Mayweather vs Canelo. There were 90 million people in the streets all wearing sombreros and chanting and generally annoying everyone. We got out-of-town before their guy lost, but we’re betting it was a great deal quieter.
The best thing though was we were walking around with our version of Flat Stanley, Flat Bandit. We got his picture taken with some Minions, two different M&Ms, the red and the green. Also, we found a zombie who put his flat little head in his mouth. We got two perfectly nice showgirls to pose with him.
Las Vegas has everything in the world to amuse and entertain – except skunks. Didn’t see a one.
September 13
Thank goodness we found these five things to laugh about this week because Ava is mainly not in a laughing mood. Why you ask? Ava can be counted on to laugh at just about anything, right? Well, not when Amylynn goes off on a small vacation with her adult family members and leaves her at Bank of No Forks all alone for two days – Ava is not laughing then!!!! But she did let out a small chuckle and a tiny guffaw over these . . .
1. Dennis Rodman – The sisters have always thought Dennis was a bit of an idiot. After all, he
Remember this? WTF?
SoftSoap King
2. Robert Taylor 1936-2013 – Who is Robert Taylor you ask? Well, we’ll tell you who . . . he’s the guy who invented hand soap via a pump. His company introduced Softsoap in 1978. He says he came up with it because he hated the mess left behind by bars of soap. I hate the mess left behind by the children who live at my house – can someone invent something to take care of that? Well done Mr. Taylor, well done. You’ll be missed. 
3. That’s MR. Siri to you – Finally, the Apple people have come up with an improvement that the sisters have been hankering for. We like Siri well enough but it always bothered us that she was a girl. The sisters don’t respond well to being pushed around by other women. Siri can now switch gender to a male voice. We’d like our 
male voice to be British. Like James Bond. We won’t mind being pushed around by 007. We don’t know any real women who would.
4. Crown Tattoos – Ava doesn’t have any tattoos but she saw a crown tattoo that she fell in love with. She showed it to Amy, who does have tattoos, and to several other ladies at Bank of No Forks and now they all want one. We’re all going to go over to the tattoo parlor after work on Friday – who’s in???!!!
5. A Balanced Budget Amendment – As you readers know, we’re not a political blog even if we keep 
calling up the white house with our excellent suggestions for the running of the country. They need to stop hanging up on us or we’re going to think they don’t want to talk. We came upon the excellent idea of the federal government having a balanced budget when we saw a poll showing that better than 72% of Americans agree. Americans can’t agree on anything and ba-da-bing – there it is, an agreement. If we have to balance our budget at home and suffer, everyone has to. We will presume that Mr. Rodman did not vote in the poll since he’s out of the country . . .
Another fun interview
I did a super fun interview – in character again, this time as Olivia Goldsleigh and Lord Dalton. Check it out. I’m giving away a copy of Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret. Click the picture below to take the jump.
In case your lobotomy actually worked
Amy and I make lots of fun of Bank of No Forks – all the time. But when it’s time to admit that I learned something very valuable there, I’m willing to say so. I have mentioned in previous posts that I have many job-aids containing step-by-step instructions to order cake (if you need help, just let me know . . . ) and this month, more job-aids have arrived!!! Go get your learning face on because I’m going to share.
This month’s never-ending conference calls involve the ordering of pizza, salad, and a small dessert. There were the usual dumb questions that are always asked: What happens if I go over the $10.00 budget? What happens if I am under the $10.00 budget? What happens if I live in Utah and we don’t allow pizza within the state boundaries? What happens if everyone on the call kills themselves because of all of these dumb questions? It’s like a never ending parade of stupid. And just when I think it can’t get any worse it does. The lady leading the call, seriously and with no sarcasm, says the following:
“I’m just going to go ahead and describe a small dessert. A small dessert would be a cookie or a small brownie.”
WHAT??????
Well – thank all of the gods already invented and the ones to come!!!! There I was too embarrassed to unmute myself and ask “Just what the heck is a small dessert anyway?” And more importantly “Can we get large dessert and small pizza and salad?” Or, how about “Can we just skip the pizza and salad and get a giant dessert? Can you describe what that would look like?”
All I want to know is what moron made that explanation necessary? Exactly who is the Bank of No Forks hiring to manage its offices?
With no sarcasm or irony, I unmuted myself and asked the leader if she could email us a picture of a small dessert for reference. Not five minutes after the end of the call – here’s what we got:
a small brownie
Now you to know what a small dessert looks like. Aren’t you glad you stopped by today? You’re welcome.
Unless you have other ideas
I think there’s a poltergeist in my house. I can think of no other reasonable explanation. In my world a poltergeist is reasonable, you see. I’d love nothing more than to be proven that my guess is right.
Someone out there, please come prove it. I’m dying to meet a ghost.
So what evidence do I have that there’s a poltergeist?
Nothing so mundane as rattling chains or ghostly wails. That’s very pedestrian and not at all weird. That’s what everyone expects from a supernatural being in their house.
No mine is more sly.
Every single time we get into bed we have to put the pillow cases back on all the pillows. This is a recent development. What the hell is going on in that bed that precipitates all the pillows escaping? I assure you that My Honey and I are not that mobile. By the time I get in bed, My Honey is fast asleep, snoring like a fleet of chainsaw testers. The minute I hit the pillow I’m asleep like a dead person in a coma with a paralysis problem.
The other thing is gravel. Why is my bed always full of gravel? Why? It’s compelling, isn’t it?
It’s a gravely, flailing poltergeist. It’s the only answer.
It’s also Wonderful Weirdos Day. Yeah – you don’t need to say anything
Sadly, we still work for Bank of No Forks, despite all our efforts to get fired. We’re teasing. We talk a big game about wanting to be fired but that’s no what we really want. We want to be given excellent six months severance packages. 
Actually, that’s not it either. We want our crappy jobs to be there for as long as WE want them. When we’re ready to quit, then we’ll write one hell of a resignation letter.
That being said, the crap continues to roll over there. Corporate is in our office mucking things up again. Our fingernail painting and screwing around on the internet have been severely curtailed – at least until they leave.
That stresses us out. We need a puppy.
Did you know that National Puppy Day for this year was on March 23. So – shit – we missed that one.
Turns out National Kitten Day is the same day. What the hell? How come March 23 needs so much fuzziness?
So then I looked to see what today was. National Teddy Bear day. YEA! We can totally work with National Teddy Bear day. Get yourself a bear and snuggle on! We knew Carlo was a good idea.