NEW RELEASES
We’ll never learn our lesson
We’re going to Disneyland this week – the week between Sassy’s and The Bandit’s birthdays. We told the kids there wouldn’t be birthday parties this year because of the expense of the trip. Instead, we’d agreed that the boy could invite a friend to spend the night and we’d take them to see Iron Man 3 since it came out on his birthday.
“A friend” turned into two friends and a nephew. Counting his sister, My Honey and I took five kids to Peter Piper Pizza and the movies.
This is an actual photo of the slumber party. My boy is right there in front.
Really it was more like taking a frat house on a tour of a holy museum.
Eight year old boys are insane. They are teeth gnashing, screaming, amok running lunatics. We let them run wild in the pizza place – it’s not like anyone would notice that they were any more out of control than any other random kid there. We left for the movies early because we knew there’d be a line at the theater even though I had bought the tickets earlier in the day. Only a couple of hours in and My Honey and I were already exhausted. We finally made them sit on the floor in the lobby. I’m sure all the other patrons were happy they weren’t swinging from the light fixtures anymore.
It’s like they feed off the energy of exhausted parents.
They all sat rapt in the movie – as did I. I loved the film. Or maybe I loved Robert Downey, Jr. It’s really hard to separate the two. Either way, my crush is firmly fixed.
We got home and had cake and ice cream.
The party got more and more like a scene from Animal House. There were boys everywhere in their underwear. Boys climbing on furniture. Boys running around the house making gun noises. Confusingly, bean bags were flying around the house. Even the girl was caught up in the action. The most confusing development was that even though chaos reigned, they were the politest bunch of heathens you’ve ever met. When we told them to get off the shed roof, they said, “Yes, ma’am.” When asked not to chase the cat, they responded, “Yes, ma’am.” It was very disconcerting.
At midnight I made them all get in bed and turn out the light. I told them they didn’t have to sleep, but they couldn’t run up and down the hall anymore. Mere minutes later, I was still in the living room writing and heard the tell tale **pop fizz** of a soda can being opened. I found four pajama clad boys sitting in the dark, each poised with Sprite cans to their lips. In my head, I could see the few short years till I catch them with beers.
On Saturday morning I had to work. I’ve never been happier to go to that hell hole in my life.
These are the texts I got from My Honey:
MH – Can I come to work with you? I’m going to kill some kids! Where are they f****** mothers!
ME – They’ll be there soon. Hang tough.
MH – I think they’re in Mexico. I would be.
ME – Hahahahahahahaha (I laugh helpfully mostly because I’m safe at work)
MH – I keep hearing Louie Louie in my head! It’s Delta House over here.
ME – Food fight!!!!!!
MH – One down two to go
ME – It’s getting quieter!
MH – No.
ME – Impossible!
Eventually all the kids left. When I got home, the frat house was mostly cleaned up. My Honey had marginally less hair.
The girl gets to do it in 2 weeks for her birthday. I can hardly wait.
May 3
Summer’s here. We know you people in other parts of the world are furrowing your brows and looking at us in confusion, but here in the desert, we’ve got summer. It’s undeniable. Our state capital already experienced a 100 degree day. The air conditioning is already running and our kids have been swimming at their grandmother’s for several weeks. The Sisters don’t swim. That’s not to say if we fell off a cruise ship that we’d drown. We CAN swim we just don’t because that involves swimming suits and nobody needs to see that. What we do instead is sit under an umbrella with a margarita and read. Onward summer! Here’s some funnies this week.
bored, bored, bored
1. Mary the AutoReader. In the continuing saga of Democrats and Republicans refusing to get along or accomplish absolutely ANYTHING, the Dems of the Florida state legislature have required that all the bills be read a loud. That’s a LOT of reading. Hours and hours of it. So the Floridians bought Mary for $45.00. She sat in a closet, waiting to be necessary for years. Now that she’s out of the closet, so to speak, she’s a busy little “lady”. She can read a page in 45 seconds. It’s funny – and it serves them all right to have to 
sit and listen to that for 8 hours a day. If you’re interested Mary has now got a Twitter account because there are enough people out there just like us who can’t leave things well enough alone.
2. Iron Man 3. We love Robert Downey, Jr. We also love Iron Man. Snarky, egotistical and funny is a heady mix. We can’t wait to see this movie and have been looking forward to it ever since the The Avengers came out. We spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about Bob. He asked us to call him Bob on the
restraining order.
3. Our new look. Wow, oh Wow, do we love our new look. We’re so delighted that it really reflects our personalities. We love the cute little girls in the car above. Ava thought it was funny how Amylynn insisted, INSISTED, that the original cartoon be changed to reflect that Amylynn was driving. She refused to allow the world as a whole to think for even one minute that Ava has ever driven anywhere if there was the possibility that someone else would do it for her. It certainly never would happen on a potential road trip as described in the cartoon. Ava will be wholly in charge of folding that road map we mentioned.
4.8 year-old boys. The Bandit is eight years old today. Honest to Zeus, no one can believe he’s made it this far. The Bandit is the most aptly nicknamed child ever. He can’t seem to stay out of trouble for more than ten minutes at a time unless he’s asleep and even then, usually there are candy wrappers and his father’s flashlight in there with him, too. He’s in after-school detention next week for calling his adorable 2nd grade teacher stupid and 
telling her she sucks. He hides chocolate syrup in the closet and strawberry heads behind the couch. He can eat an entire box of ice cream sandwiches in one day – and has on a number of occasions. He hides people’s electronics and has never voluntarily picked up a toy in his life. But, he’s absurdly funny and charming when he wants to be – like all the best sociopaths. Hopefully he makes it to nine.
5. Jamie the manager. Ava and her husband went to a national restaurant chain for dinner the other night. There was an egregious health issue during dinner, one that Ava wasn’t nearly as concerned about as The Claim Jumper, but they had no idea that Ava is not a litigious person. There was a chunk of glass in her iced tea. She didn’t swallow it. She wasn’t harmed, but the restaurant manager did a really excellent job of customer service. How rare is that? Their dinner and drinks were comped and the manager practically lay prostrate on the floor. Is it bad that we like a little panicky suffering once in a while?
And by I mean grow up….
Out with the first in with the second…
There are only two more days to enter to win Lady Francesca’s Ring.
I mean really, if she’s not going to wear it, you might as well.
Contest ends on Saturday morning, so enter now.
Another exciting thing – Lady Belling’s Secret is available for sale in paperback at Mostly Books on Speedway and Wilmot. They’re signed and everything. So if you’ve been wanting a paper copy and didn’t want to deal with Amazon….
Also, coming VERY, VERY soon…
Miss Goldsleigh’s Secret.
Do you see that outrageously awesome quote from best selling Regency author Valerie Bowman! What a coup, huh?
We’re just waiting for the last of the formating to be done and the print books to be made ready….
My best guess is second week in May.
Don’t fret – you’ll be right there with the first people to know the minute it’s ready.
A lady after my own heart
I’ve never been a fan of Celine Dion. She seems a bit over-the-top for me with all her dramatic chest thumping. Maybe I can’t get over marrying a manager 26 years older than herself. But what the hell do I know. They’ve been married forever and I suppose they’re happy as they’re not plastered all over the tabloids. It’s possible that’s because there’s no room with the Kardashians taking up all the room on the covers, but I’d rather think they’re happy.
I guess it all boils down to the chest pumping dramatics for my meh attitude.
But then I came to learn something about Madam Dion that has made me infinitely jealous.
Not the money she has, but that certainly facilitated the reason that I’m jealous.
Ms. Dion has over 3,000 pairs of shoes. Sigh.
I don’t know the point of buying shoes that don’t fit. I’ve been known to buy shoes that are too high, too pinchy, or too costly, but they’ve all technically fit.
That’s a little weird.
The story I’m writing right now is a contemporary romance with a lady who’s got a serious shoe fetish. It’s been fun for me because I get to “shop” for shoes on the internet all the time. If you want to see Holly fictitious shoe collection, head over to my Pinterest page for Cooking Up Love.
April 26
We know that you’ve visited the site this week and seen the Stay Tuned messages and are now tired of Staying Tuned. You’re thinking that we’re just trying to pull off some sort of hokey internet scam. That’s totally not true. If there was a scam you can be assured there would have been a plea for money or assistance escaping some foreign land with a stolen baby animal. We’re not saying that isn’t likely to happen in the future, but not this week. Something is going to happen on this site. And it will happen very soon. We’re at the whim of the internet gods because we’re hopeless and don’t understand how to
Regardless of this pose, Sweetie is a no nonsense girl
make any of this technical voodoo happen on our own. A genie has been hired and we are assured things are happening. Ones and zeros are moving around all over the internet to our benefit. Just hang in there. When it happens you won’t miss it. We promise. Until then, chuckle along with us.
1. There’s panda updates. The zoo in London just artificially inseminated a giant panda named Tian Tian which translates as Sweetie. Apparently her “mate” Yang Guang (Sunshine) was all about “natural mating” and was sending her encouraging looks, shared that he was a Capricorn and inquired into her sign, and even had the bartender send her a bamboo juice with an umbrella in it and everything. Sweetie was having none of it. Her return signals were more along the lines of not “conducive to 
mating”. She probably made it very clear when she mentioned the restraining order. It is our theory that the pandas have such trouble mating because clearly the male pandas are jackasses and no self-respecting female is letting that jerk anywhere near her reproductive organs.
2. Vernissage. Get a load out of this. This might be the most brilliant packaging in the history of Madison Avenue. Aren’t these the cutest purses ever? Yes, they are – ONLY THEY’RE NOT PURSES. THEY’RE BOXES OF WINE!!!! They come in black, white and pink for red, white and rose. And, this ladies and gentlemen, is why 
we’ll need a twelve step program by the end of the year.
3. Babies aptly named. The Sisters are not big bird people, except for penguins and puffins. They are exempt for obvious reasons. Puffins are super cute, too, with their funny shaped beaks 
and cool markings. When we tell you the real reason why we love puffins, you’re going to love them too. The puffin chicks are aptly named pufflings. PUFFLINGS. If that’s not the cutest name ever, we don’t know what is.
4. Walgreens. We noticed this week that the Walgreens people are putting up another store. Thank God. We are ever so pleased by this development because few things are worse in this world than having to drive more than two blocks to get to a Walgreens. This particular corner had been so destitute without a Walgreens up to this point, it was tragic. You understand the people in that neighborhood had to drive five blocks to get to the next Walgreens. FIVE. We were going to suggest a telethon or something for these folks. They were practically rural. Oh the horror. People shouldn’t have to live like this. Such a shame.
5. The Girl Who Lives at Ava’s House. Through no fault of her own, she got to spend afternoons with us at work this week. It was wonderful to have her here because we were seriously lacking in eyerolling and deep, aggrieved sighing. Besides, we’ve been feeling entirely too good about ourselves lately and it’s good to be reminded of your station in life and your negative cool factor every once in a while by a teenager. Otherwise, we all run the risk of getting an ego or something. We can’t have that.
Honest to Zeus, this is happening
Really and truly. Something is gonna happen.
What?!?
In honor of Shakespeare’s birth and death day…
Then we won’t have to worry about how to fill our time
So, I’ll bet you’re wondering. “What are you guys doing at work these days?” While we’re waiting for our new jobs, we’re doing a whole lot of nothing and that makes for nine very long hours. The seven of us search for things to do because, while it sounds nice for a day or so, nothing to do for nine hours a day for five days a week and periodic Saturdays is really awful.
I’d like to think I do a ton of writing there, but unfortunately, Bank of No Forks sucks the creativity out of you. We’ve told you that we’ve done each other’s hair. We do constant manicures. The receptionist painted her nails five times on Friday. Sigh. We’ve done seven jigsaw puzzles of increasing difficulty.
We’re considering stealing cable from the business suite next door and bringing in a television.
We did bring in a tabletop grill. Today I made everyone bacon wrapped shrimp and caprese salad. Tomorrow we’re trying Korean ribs.
One day last week, the receptionist and another gal ran to the drugstore for more nail polish and ran across a yard sale wherein an elliptical exercise machine was purchased.
Seriously.
It was placed in our storage room, but that got lonely so it was moved out to the private lobby so the jigsaw puzzlers can chat with and make fun of the exerciser.
This is the message I received from Ava this morning.
I was on the elliptical for 38 sec. Can you take me to the emergency room when you get here. I’ll be laying on the floor by the door.
It’s possible we’ll all be dead by the end of the week.