Seriously? This person has a baby koala hanging on their leg? Where do I apply?

My kids go back to school tomorrow!

They’re not nearly excited as I am about this. I found a gif that totally represents how I’ve felt with them this two weeks.

There is so much I want to do this week.

1. Eat yummy breakfast. Then go to buy some healthy diet food.

2. Go to Starbucks and slowly sip a latte until I’m done instead of racing in and out of there like a maniac.

3. Eat lunch with Ava and the Unemployed World’s Greatest Receptionist (UWGR). NOT at Chipotle.

4. I need new glasses before my insurance runs out. I dropped them and there’s a huge chunk out of the right one and it’s driving me crazy.

5. Probably MOST important: Write 5 chapters. I need this book to get done ASAP. Deadlines are looming, and I’m getting a bit freaked out.

Ready yourself world. I’m gonna be out there among you. UWGR and Ava will be with me at least some of the time and I’m crazy excited about that. There will not be any child distractions so you’ll have my undivided attention.

God be with you.

For the 5 Things this week, we thought we’d all enjoy a look back at our favorite Things from 2014. We enjoyed going back through all 52 weeks and reading those posts all over again. We don’t know about you, but we think we’re funny. Hilarious at times. Sarcastic mostly. Absurd consistently. It’s like we’re channeling Monty Python and Dorothy Parker at the same time, which is totally confusing. What is even more bizarre is that, in person, we’re just as baffling. See if you agree with our choices.  Even if you don’t, you’ll probably still laugh. Or at least snort. Maybe just shake your

We would like to point out that this is a depiction of a womb–not a portrait.

head, perplexed. What ever. Just enjoy yourselves. We’ve included the links to the original posts, too, so you can read the whole darn thing if you want to. Here we go.

1. January 17 – New weight loss plan. We figure with the new year starting and all those weight loss goals waiting ahead, this was a good way to start off the year. Additionally, there is an inside joke that arose after the initial posting of this Thing that still cracks us up. Trust us here–it was ridiculous. Here we go. Swedish doctors are implanting new (well, new to them anyway) wombs in women who are unable to use their own. After we got over the ick factor, we thought we’d be happy to give up our wombs. After all, we’re not using them anymore.  They’re just taking up valuable space in there. How much does a womb weigh anyway? Seven pounds or so, we speculate. Anyone interested in a gently used womb, let us know. We’d love to go to Sweden – assuming the pilots can get us to the right airport.

2. February 14 – The puppy savior. We had A LOT of posts about animals and our deep and abiding desire for many of them. Over the course of the year we only managed to pick up two kittens. No moose. No koala. No Quoka. Well, it’s a new year. Here it is. Everyone on the planet has heard of Gus Kenworthy and his plan to save the puppies of Sochi. If you haven’t, go here. We have a theory that it’s all an elaborate plan to get laid. Don’t misunderstand. We adore Gus for doing what he’s doing, and we’d have done the same thing. Maybe all the estrogen boiling over across the world is a lovely karmic side effect. Whatever. Gus deserves what ever he gets. By the way he won a silver medal for his event. Don’t ask us what it was called. Some insane crap on skis that we’re never giving our children permission to do. We also think that the puppy he’s holding here should be named Bernard.

3. May 16 – Everyone needs a hobby. Now that one of us is unemployed and the other is furiously unhappy about her employment status, we thought we should take another look at this story. There is some serious possibility with this. Here we go. We’ve been trying to figure out how to fill our days at Bank of No Forks and we have recently been inspired by a 34-year-old hairdresser from Virginia. She is now among the world’s most elite counterfeiters. She discovered that she could erase the ink from five dollar bills by soaking them in “Purple Power” degreaser and rubbing them with toothbrushes. She dried the blank, water-marked bills with a hairdryer, then ran them through an HP printer and TADAA! Now she had fifty and one hundred-dollar bills. Did you know Amazon will deliver a five gallon bucket of that degreaser for $58.00. We’re just sayin’.

4. August 29 – No Gnomes known. We have lots of ideas for shenanigans that never come to fruition. We blame the fact that we’re basically lazy. When we were younger, we would have totally orchestrated something like what happens in this story. Oooooh, the possibilities are numerous.  We can’t explain why they use garden gnomes, but the Socialist Party placed about 400 of them about 3 yards off the ground on lamp posts in Vienna.  Unfortunately for them, they were stolen.  Blame has been placed on the People’s Party, who deny all involvement.  We don’t really care about the theft beyond wondering what the criminals are planning on doing with those gnomes.  Will they replace them all over Vienna?  Will all 400 be placed together like the terra-cotta warriors?  Terra cotta is used to make flower pots, right?  So garden gnomes are almost exactly like, but totally different from, the terra-cotta warriors, right? Our new idea would be to have them all show up at the Socialist Party headquarters and stare in the windows with derision.

5. November 28 – We need a koala. There were also several mentions of politicians in our roster this year. There was another story when we considered running for political office when we learned they get to adopt lions. This might be our year. The G20 Summit was held this month in Brisbane, Australia. All the leaders of the world show up to discuss important things like ending the Ebola epidemic and fixing the economy. This is important stuff, we think we’ll all agree. But the most important thing happened when the koalas showed up. It seems the Sisters are never in the right place at the right time. You can’t believe how envious we are that they got to actually HOLD A KOALA. No one will even let us touch one. Damn it! The Sisters are considering running for president. Two women are better than whatever else they can come up with. We don’t really want the job, but the perks are outrageous.

Last night, for New Year’s Eve, My Honey’s band was playing a party. I sent the kids to their grandmother’s house and off we went. The host house was relatively small, and the bands were extraordinarily loud so, as a unit, the wives listened from outside. I always explain that, between My Honey and I, one if us needs to be able to hear the kids sneaking out of the house in a couple of years. My Honey would appreciate this joke if he could hear it. HA! I kid. He hears every sarcastic thing I say.

The only problem with listening from outside was the cold. It was bitterly cold for a desert night. We’ve been running in the neighborhood of 50-55 degrees and then all of a sudden it was 30 degrees and raining. We were wearing shorts on Christmas for god’s sake. Yesterday, it rained all day and all night . That is until around 11. Then it snowed.

Seriously. Snow.

Photo borrowed from our friend and fellow author, Mary Tate Engles – find her at www.marytateengles.com

This is really unusual and therefore dramatic and exciting. First it was barely snow, then slushy snow, then lots of snow, and then HUGE gentle flakes to top everything off.

So there we wives were, most of the others were drunk or rapidly approaching so, I had a pocket full of candy kisses, and we liberated a box of cookies from the house. We huddled around an outdoor fireplace in the carport. The wood was wet so we had smoke. Lots of smoke. Thick, nasty, eye-watering inducing smoke.

By the time I came home I smelled like I’d been in a campfire for a week.

I washed my hair vigorously and then left the conditioner on for a really long time.

After I got dressed and took the towel from around my head, I smelled the unmistakable smell of burnt mesquite. (I made My Honey smell it like it was his fault. “Smell this! SMELL IT!” I said and shoved my head in his face. He puts up with a lot.)

ARRRRRRG! I marched back to the bathroom and shoved my head back under the faucet and used some rosemary shampoo and conditioner for another round.

An experimental sniff proved it was still a bit smoky. Oh my god. I’m going to have to shave my head. My daughter suggested I use her strawberry scented detangler.

So now I smell like a fire raged in a rosemary field and someone tried to put it out with strawberries.

What are you planning for New Years Eve?

Usually, the Sisters inform you of movies NOT to see, like this one and this one. Honestly, just don’t waste your time with either unless you desperately want to prove that we’re right. We are. We’re always right.

This time I’m going to tell you about a great show you probably don’t know about. Peaky Blinders. I was alerted to this show by our fabulous hairdresser, Jackie. She always wants to know what we’re watching, and she’s had some great suggestions for us on Hulu, Netflix, and Amazon.

So, now that I’m unemployed (do you know of any jobs?) it seems I’m busier than ever, but I’ve been carving out time to watch this show. If I hurry and write a chapter then I can go watch an episode. It’s sorta working, except that I’m a cheater.

If you enjoyed Boardwalk Empire, or even just the idea of Boardwalk, this is the show for you. It’s a BBC show they’ve put on Netflix. It stars Cillian (pronounced with a hard K instead of a soft C – like Killian) Murphy and Sam Neil. You have to pay attention because it’s about an Irish gang in the early 1900’s in Birmingham, England so the accents are thick, but they sure sound pretty.

It’s broody, and stylish, and pretty to watch even when it’s grungy and filthy and bloody. It’s bloody a lot. And brutal. The most interesting part to me is that it’s about a real gang who were apparently bloody and brutal for real.

Here’s the piece de resistance.

Jackie didn’t even know when she referred this show to me that I am the biggest Tom Hardy fan. He’s a part of Season 2 and he’s amazing. He’ll scare the hell out of you.

If you’re watching, what do you think? Love it? Hate it? What’s you’re opinion on Cillian? He’s very pretty, eh? Jackie the Hairdresser has the hots for him and we can see why. His face is magnificently sculpted, but we’re pretty sold on Tom.

The Shepherds! The Shepherds! Or maybe the dog wearing the wig.

Christmas is over. All of our money has been spent. The wrapping has been decimated and the boxes torn into. For a while there it looked like our houses had been ransacked by very destructive Huns. Also, we’re checking into rehab for our cats. Every year they get some catnip for Christmas and every year we forget they aren’t to be trusted to know when enough is enough. Let’s just say that moderation is not something they’re familiar with. Even the dogs were disturbed by their antics. But all in all, it was a nice holiday. Now we just need to get our houses back in order. You read these funny things while we dig out the coffee table.

1. Nibbley goats. This news story couldn’t be more timely. Since we didn’t get the puppy we were hoping for this year we’re going to renew our desire for a baby goat. There’s a group of goat owners in Reno, Nevada who are promoting their goats to eat your retired Christmas tree. They tested out their theory that the goats would eat the trees by tossing a piece of pine tree to them in the yard. They devoured it–needles and all. Apparently, the needles and such are full of vitamin C and is a natural dewormer so they’re healthy for the little dudes. This is just one more reason why we need one. Attention Misters Bright – let’s think of the year 2015 as the one we get a goat.

2. Gluttons. Every once in a while we present to you a story where men humiliate themselves in a misguided attempt at glory. Usually these stories end up with our “hero” in a hospital or a morgue. Fortunately for the women who inexplicably love this latest fellow, he only ended up in the ER and later spent three days in the hospital. What bit of brilliance did the guy attempt, you ask? He was at an office Christmas party when he engaged in an eggnog chugging contest. He managed a quart of the stuff in 12 seconds. He accomplished this feat with such wild abandon that he inhaled some into his lungs. Hours later he was driven to the hospital shaking and struggling to breath. Personally, we despise eggnog and for that reason–and our X chromosomes–we would not participate in such debauchery.

3. Presents from Pele. Good news. The lava flow from the erupting volcano stopped just short of Pahoa Marketplace with only 700 yards to spare. We suspect Santa intervened. Why else would the shopping center be saved? Why? Can you imagine what it must be like, for whatever reason you don’t have your shopping finished and your only option is the Pahoa Marketplace shopping center but THERE’S LAVA ADVANCING. All we can say, Hawaii, is don’t procrastinate your shopping. That’s a level of stress nobody needs.

4. KFC? Really? So Christmas is barely celebrated in Japan. When we say barely, we mean like 1% of the population is Christian. That doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy some retail celebration. Any excuse, right? The country has been creating their own traditions since the end of World War II when the Christmas Cake came into existence. Wait, what? We like cake. Maybe we’re in. What else do they have going on? Obviously if you have Christmas Cake then you need to have Christmas Dinner, right? Well, the Kentucky Fried Chicken people have pulled off a coup of epic proportions. They’ve managed to convince the population of Japan that they are the most celebrated purveyors of this meal which includes fried chicken, a salad, and the aforementioned Christmas cake. People wait for hours on line for this “delicacy.” We think this is most fitting since Ava’s family always eats Chinese food on Christmas day.

5. Yay, 1st Amendment! We don’t really long to see The Interview. Nope, not even a little bit. If we see it at all, it’ll be because our teenagers insist upon it. They can’t help themselves. Seth Rogan is right in their wheel house. Nevertheless, we’re very glad it’s being released after all this hacking and threats nonsense. We strongly believe in free speech–even if James Franco is involved, we’re writers after all. We just hope he can control himself for the sake of humanity.

From the Quill Sisters and Simon’s Cat

Santa loves himself some puppies and kittens. Amylynn loves puppies. Ava loves kittens. EVERYONE loves puppies and kittens.

Amylynn is still holding out for a puppy for Christmas. Everyone cross your crossables.