What do you do when you’re bored? I mean really bored. For like nine hours in a row. For five days in a row and periodic Saturdays? Do you cry? Do you rage against the machine? Do you devise evil plots to take over the world? Become experts on obscure points of international law? Do a whole hell of a lot of internet shopping?  Or just pray for sweet death? We’ve done all that and it didn’t help. Fortunately, there is funny stuff in the world

Imagine this with a microwave hat

and we seem to find an inordinate amount of it all. The good part is we share this stuff with you. Well, that and we’ve not been arrested by the FBI -yet. Here’s what we found this week.

1. Escape plans. Here was the headline: Hurled microwave misses SWAT robot. “What prompted that?” you ask?  It seems an apartment complex manager was trying to evict some guy from his apartment when a ruckus broke out. Then shots were fired. Of course, they were. Shots are always fired. That prompted the SWAT team to arrive and evacuate the building. When a woman in the apartment under surveillance broke out the front window with a shotgun, the police sent in a tactical robot equipped with a camera. Here comes the good part. “…as the robot approached the door, the woman exited with a microwave and threw it at the robot.” Who looks at everything in their house and picks a microwave as their weapon of choice? That’s weird, right? The very last line in the article states, “Charges were pending.” We can only imagine.

2. Brilliant scientists. They’re getting closer and closer to cloning extinct animals. In 2003 they made a Pyrenean ibex. It didn’t live long but they still did it and that was 10 years ago. Before you know it, they’ll have woolly mammoths. This is what we think is going to happen. The scientists are going to be looking for nice people to cuddle, love and raise these animals. We’re going to be on the top of that list. Not for a woolly mammoth necessarily. Those are very big and we think everyone will notice. But the Thylacine, sometimes called the Tasmanian tiger, is on the short list for replication.  Those little cuties are the size of a big dog. That’s what we plan to tell everyone it is when they ask. You may be getting a request for a letter of reference soon. We’ll make it worth your while.

3.Bacon Breath. The funny fellows over at Scope announced they were coming out with bacon flavored mouthwash. Everyone went berserk. Then it came out that the whole thing was an April Fool’s day prank. It sure was funny while it lasted though, huh?

4. KISS/Hello Kitty. The whores over at KISS have made an unholy union with the chaps over at SANRIO and the progeny is four Hello Kitty figures with KISS makeup starring in their own cartoon. They will be spreading “pink anarchy” all over television sets soon. We have no idea how much money Gene Simmons, the executive-producer of the show needs to make before he dies, but apparently it’s a considerable amount. Rock on, Gene.  Ava here – I love KISS and Hello Kitty.  What could be better than KISS and Hello Kitty combined?  Amy is wrong about the money part.  Gene Simmons is doing this exclusively for me – I just know it.  Thanks, Gene.  Big KISS!

5. General Hospital. We don’t watch soap operas anymore but we fondly remember entire jr high school years that were wholly consumed by General Hospital and Luke and Laura. Their pending nuptials were the high point of our lives at that age. Looking back at that monstrosity of a dress Laura wore in the wedding – Jeesh, you could house an entire pygmy village in there. General Hospital just turned 50 years old. Can you freaking believe that? Us neither. We’re old. Not too old for Hello Kitty, though.

I woke up this morning really angry with Amylynn.  Why you ask?  She’s lovely and your sister – why could you possibly be mad at her?

Well, let me tell you –

Apparently, I’m insane.  When I got up this morning, I recalled a dream I had last night.  I’m going to tell this because I know you won’t judge me . . .

I dreamt that Amy and I were running around a two story restaurant owned by Donald Trump so I could have sex with him.  We found him on the lower level except he had Tom Hardy’s body and Amy had sex with him, not me.

I was not angry with her for having sex with him instead of me, I was angry with her because she had sex with him at all.  He’s horrible.  Neither of us likes anything about him.  YUK.  Everything about him is horrible – that hair, his ego, his bad taste in home furnishings, and wives. It’s all BAD, BAD, BAD.  I

ummm…NO.

have no idea why I’d dream I was going to have sex with him even with Tom’s body or why Amy would become a

YES, please!

substitute.

I don’t understand the dream but I bet Freud would have a field day with this one.

***Amylynn cutting in. Dreams are so weird. I can’t tell you how many times I awaken from a dream absolutely furious with someone due to something they did in a dream. It’s totally irrational, but there you have it.

I want to assure you that I have no designs on Donald Trump in any way. I think he’s a buffoon and that’s not anywhere on my admittedly strange list of things I find sexy. When Ava was telling me about her dream, she left off the Tom Hardy part until pretty far into the telling. I will confess, anything to do with his body did give me pause. Still – the Donald is a deal breaker.

I’m certain My Honey is relieved. ***eyeroll***

Amylynn is having a foot issue.  It’s been so bad, she went to the doctor to complain about it.  She was immediately sent out for x-rays.  The x-rays were immediately sent to the podiatrist.  Amylynn dutifully made an appointment with the 95 year old nurse there, who kept saying “Oh Dear” every time Amylynn tried to give her information to make the appointment. ***Note from Amylynn – my head finally exploded and I faxed her a copy of my insurance card because we’d already been on the phone for 15 minutes – to make an appointment, for Zeus’s sake. It only got worse. I showed up with the X-rays. She took them and said, “Oh, X-rays” then promptly lost them on the five second journey from the lobby to the examination room, then professed to have no idea what I was talking about. Then, while I was reading a magazine with my foot up in the air, she kept sneaking into the room and reading the magazine over my shoulder. Weird. And annoying. Mostly annoying. She kept asking me what the doctor was going to do. How the hell should I know? Honest to God, it was mind boggling.

Anyway, today was the day.  Amylynn was kind enough to text me a picture of the 95 year old so I could laugh.  Things didn’t go well right from the start.  First, she had a fever of 100.4.  Back story: Amylynn asked me to go with her. (Full disclosure – she generally goes with me on all of my appointments because she’s a great sister unlike me.) I refused because IT’S A DOCTORS OFFICE for god’s sake and we all know I don’t visit doctor’s offices because sick people go there.  I actually almost said yes because she almost had me convinced that sick people don’t go to foot doctors.  Only people with non-contagious foot ailments go to foot doctors – she insisted. Fever?  I guess sick people go to the foot doctor after all Amylynn!  And clearly, you sat next to one of them . . . ***Amylynn again – I have no idea why I had a fever. None at all. I DO NOT have Foot and Mouth disease.

I texted her – Ask the doctor about all of the loose feet that keep showing up in the lakes in Canada, I’ll bet he knows something.

Next, she comes back to the office with her foot all wrapped up with plaster and tells us the horrifying story of a needle in her foot and how the

That little ghosty thing is causing RIDICULOUS pain.

doctor said when the shot wore off she’d want to lie on the floor crying and she should just go with it. ***Guess who. That is indeed what he said. He was very funny for a 97 year old podiatrist. While he was stabbing my foot with the 12 inch needle he strongly suggested that I breathe. When I asked how come my left foot didn’t hurt but it’s X-ray was just as bad he shushed me and whispered that I shouldn’t say things like that out loud because the universe can hear me. He’s my kind of doctor.

Just the thought made me nauseous, really.  The only thing that got me through that moment was Amy saying the doctor wants her to wear orthopedic shoes for, like, the rest of her life!  That made me laugh.  Amy has a shoe fascination and some very cute footwear.  I immediately jumped on the internet to see what was available and then laughed some more – Amylynn is not ever going to wear any of those shoes, ever.

In the end, I just made her go home early because I’m not good with crying people and I thought it best that she lay on the floor at home when the pain started so that her lovely husband could deal with that instead of me. ***One more – I came home with a sorta casty thing on my foot I have to leave on for a week. Between it and the SHOT of DEATH, I’m a very unhappy camper. 

Sadly, I don’t think she ever did ask the doctor about Canada . . .  ***Me again – I did ask him. He looked at me weird and then refused to prescribe pain meds. Thanks a lot, Ava.

Spring is here. Tra la la la. We do love us some spring because we hate being cold and spring in the desert is 90 degrees. Oddly, spring seems to make us a bit cranky, though. Can you blame us? Honestly, how many times a day can we be expected to tolerate being told we can’t have something before we just turn mean. “No, you cannot have the mountain lion cub” or “No, stop touching that bear cub” or “No,stop kissing the baby elephant” or “Put that baby panda down.” It’s almost like our husbands don’t even want us to be happy.

guess which is the fake one

Fortunately, funny stuff happens all the time. Need proof? Here you go.

1. Father phony. As you’ve probably already learned, they elected a pope in record time. Next, we thought we’d have the Cardinals descend on Congress. Let’s have them take a look at the sequester nonsense. That’s not the funny part. What was funny was the guy who showed up at the Vatican wearing a black fedora, a too short black choir robe, and a bright purple winter scarf and pretended to be a delegate. He got really far, milling around with the real priests and having his picture taken before someone checked his ID. We have proof this was not us. First of all, we’d never wear a choir robe that was too short. Second, we’ve never been able to pull off a prank of this magnitude without giggling.

2. Advice column letters. We’ve shared some of these with you before, but this one is a classic. Prepare yourself. This was sent to a career advice column. I just turned 31, and I’m having a difficult time finding a career path. My mom says I should look into nursing, but I can’t see myself being a nurse. Another idea my mom presented is becoming a mechanic. I like cars, but I’d rather drive them than fix them. My true dream is to be an actor. But the entertainment industry is very competitive, and my folks suggest that I have a backup plan. My mom told me that if I don’t engage in something soon, then I have to move you. I could use some advise. – Tyler. Every time we try to address this letter, we become damn near hysterical with laughter. All we can say with any coherent clarity is, “Are you shitting me?”

3. Princess Lilian. Nothing funny here but we’re including it because of the romance!  This adorable lady died and we just learned of her and her love story in her obituary. It’s a lovely, lovely story – possibly better even than King Edward and Wallis Simpson. She met Swedish Prince Bertil in 1943 and they fell in love. But just like Wallis Simpson, she was divorced making a wedding impossible. Nevertheless, they dedicated their lives to each other. Finally, after 33 years together they were allowed to marry and were together until 1997 when Prince Pertil died. Apparently, the Swedes were adoring of their princess and she was a funny, intelligent woman. Sigh.

4. The fellows at our mailbox. The Quill Sisters have a postal box at a UPS store. We adore those guys. They always know who we are when we come in. In fact, they always yell, “Hey! It’s number #188.” It’s so rare to get decent customer service anymore, and the fact that they are always nice is a big deal. Also, they don’t back away and cast looks of horror at us when we come in with the Amy and Ava Show.

5. Amylynn’s foot. She’s been gimping along for weeks now, complaining about her foot. Her doc sent her for X-rays and we thought we’d share. These are life size. She has ridiculously small feet. It might explain why she’s falling down all the time.

It’s cold and raining again. Just in time for the book festival. Why does the weather have to act like this? Honestly, it’s like it plots against us. You don’t think that’s true do you? The weather isn’t trying to stick it to us personally, right? It’s probably just us being paranoid. If you’re in town, please come down to the book festival. If you’ve ever read anything, you’ll have a good time. Besides, if Amylynn gets anywhere near Larry McMurty she’s going to need all the friends she has to get out of that trouble. You know those book characters you fall in love with, have a twenty year love affair with, who you keep vividly alive in your imagination? That’s how Gus McCrae from Lonesome Dove is for Amylynn. If you hear anything about an incident, we’d appreciate it if you’d not mention anything about the panda thing to the authorities. Alrighty then, off to the funny things.

1. Ninja thieves. This is a true story. The Roman Catholic church in Pittsburgh lost a massive pipe organ. Someone snuck into a closed church and stole it. Now we’re not talking about a little organ like you see in the mall being played by those guys with really bad toupees. No, this was an enormous 200 pipe organ. You’d think that the matter of stealing such a thing would take a considerable amount of time and possibly a small army of movers. How in the name of Steinway did no one notice this happening? It turns out the organist took the instrument from the defunct church for safekeeping and no one is pressing charges. Still, we’d like to know how this event went completely undetected.

2. More thievery. Three people stole an $2.5 million 82-foot yacht in Sausalito, CA. That’s a big yacht. They were caught and had to be rescued when they ran it aground. Originally, we read that it was three women, something we found hard to believe. Usually women don’t do things by the seat of their pants – such as joy riding. Usually there is a plan – like they’re going to fetch something fuzzy. Perhaps they ran it aground because they were too busy trying to locate the glove box for the owner’s manual. There is one sure way to prove that the Sisters weren’t involved. When the boat was located, they officials found it stocked with pizza and beer. There was no mention of cake and you can be assured, if the Sisters had anything to do with this, there would have been plenty of cake on board. We do wonder, though, how long it would take to sail to China.

3. The band’s getting back together. Apparently Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher have all signed on to reprise their roles in the next Star Wars movie. We are so excited about this. The Sisters do love

to be clear, ours looked NOTHING like this

us some Star Wars. Also, we firmly believe Han shot first.

4. Paleo bread. We just found Paleo bread – named after the diet. We’re not doing that diet, but one similar and we are so excited over the prospect of “bread” with 1 carb per slice we can hardly stand ourselves. It’s $6.00 per loaf but that doesn’t matter. ***Update*** We got the bread and can we just say, ICK. It was sawdust. So bad that butter wouldn’t even soak in, but sat on the top mocking us. And it wasn’t $6 – it was $10. Can you freaking believe that? $10 for a mouthful of sawdust that no amount of butter in the world is going to make edible. We’re so sad. This is like the Anti-Favorite Thing.

5. O’Reilly and Stewart. We’ve mentioned our crushes on Jon Stewart before. Frankly, he may be the only crush we have who’s not a certifiable white trash/red neck. We are not fans of O’Reilly but apparently he and Jon are friends outside the television arena. Although, they are such polar opposites we can’t imagine what they talk about over dinner that doesn’t erupt in hair-pulling and food-throwing. We do love that they’re friends. That gives us hope. Jon has most recently suggested that Bill be elected as the next pope since he already thinks himself infallible but it’s doubted Bill would take the demotion.

It’s entirely possible Amylynn has lost her mind. Ava’s no help at all, either. Mostly she just rolls her eyes and says things like, “OMG – is that a spread sheet?” or “Are you trolling Amazon AGAIN?” Nevertheless, we spent a lot of time giggling. We do that. It’s either that or we kill people. I think we can
all agree that we don’t want option #2. Unless, you happen to know someone who really, really deserves Option #2, then we might be persuaded. Here are the five things this week.

1. All the alcohol. Maker’s Mark freaked everyone out last week when they had a press conference and informed the drunks of the world that they were lowering the alcohol percentage of their bourbon. Apparently, it was a gasp heard around the world and they quickly recanted. Look, after a long day at Bank of No Forks or with your kids or whatever, sometimes you really need your 90 proof.

2. Extreme Over reactions. The Belarus Supreme Court convicted a guard to two years for allowing a light plane across the border. Said plane was loaded with hundreds of teddy bears wearing parachutes and human rights slogans which were dropped over the city. Can you imagine walking along the streets of Belarus only to see a crap load of Swedish teddy bears bombing your city. At the very least, it gives you something to talk about at dinner while you gulped down your Maker’s Mark.  (Ava had no idea Belarus was a country, she thought it was a city in eastern Europe but no, Amy is insistent that’s its a country.)

3. Men are so dumb. A Texas couple decided to have another child. We guess their two year old was lonely, so the wife went and got herself knocked up. They told her she was having twins. OK, that’s a bit intimidating

but not insurmountable. THEN, they informed her she had managed to spontaneously conceive TWO sets of identical twins. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s quadruplets. Four. Four babies, not two. There was no fertility assistance, drugs, or doctors involved in any way. There’s like a 1 in 70 million chance of that happening. Momma managed to have four healthy baby boys named Ace, Blaine, Cash and Dylan to join their brother, Memphis. Did you catch that – A,B,C & D. Where does the dumb man part come into the story, you ask. When interviewed,

the husband/daddy/idiot actually said, out loud, that they’re going to keep trying for a girl. You just know those boys inherited that stupid gene from their father. God help that poor woman.

4. Grand niece. It’s the week of babies!  Ava’s first grand niece was born on the 21^st and weighed a perfect 7.1 lbs and was 20 inches.  Her name is Harper Paisley and look how adorable she is!!!  Deep dark secret alert – Ava is afraid of all babies under 12 months.  You will never find her holding one, not even this cutey but she does like to admire them from afar.  Per Ava; “No one likes

If they’re good enough for LL….

if you break their baby, in fact, they never forgive you.”

5. Chakalates. Chaka Kahn has her own chocolates. It looks exactly like her hair. We’re sure you can imagine how tasty that must be. Do you supposed she woke up one morning with a driving need for her own food line. She probably leapt from her bed, looked in the mirror and said, “EUREKA! CHOCOLATES!” Often when famous people do this sort of nonsense, the Sister wonder where their people are. You know, the people who furrow their brow, shake their heads gently and say, “hmmmmm, well…maybe not.”

Whooo-ee. We’re seriously hoping that horrific cold snap was the end of winter. It’s supposed to be 75 degrees this whole weekend which is a far sight better than the freezing 35 degrees we had the earlier part of this week. You really don’t want to hang around with us when we’re both cold and hungry. Trust us, nothing good can come from that. People have been known to get hurt – at least their feelings. We still managed to chuckle over these things.

1. 2014 Corvette. The new Stingray is here and it’s gorgeous and sexy and bound to get at least one of us into trouble. Ava wants to buy one but Amylynn won’t let her have it unless she gets a standard transmission. It should be illegal to get a sports car in an automatic. That’s just wrong. The rub is that Ava can’t drive a stick shift. Conveniently, Amylynn can and quite well she’ll tell you. Once again, we’re going to ask you to send us each a dollar so we can order one. It’s for all of us to share. Think of the delightfully silly blogs that will come out of the two of us racing around in a Corvette. It’s a win for everyone.

2. Grampa Charlie. Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandfather. No that’s not a joke although it’s probably a better predictor of the end of the world than those Mayans were. A grandfather. He acts like such a child himself that it’s hard to imagine him with progeny old enough to have children.  But then, think of the wacky stories he’ll have to tell this enraptured child when they sit upon his knee. Remember this is the guy who said, “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.” Mind boggling.

3. Kate’s baby. The lovely Duchess of Cambridge is due to deliver the future prince or princess sometime in July. Ava and I will start checking our mailboxes for our invitations to the royal shower. We thought we’d get something nice from Tiffany – a sterling silver rattle maybe or a little silver box to keep baby teeth safe. We’ll tell you one thing for sure, we’re eating the royal baby shower cake. Diet schmiet. If there’s one thing we’ve learned from reading all those Regency romances, you don’t decline the cake of a duchess. It’s simply not done.

4. Woman in the wall. Did you guys hear about this story? There was a woman in Oregon who fell two stories between two buildings and was wedged between the walls until firefighters got her out. Apparently she was walking on the roofs and fell into the space. There has been no explanation as to what the hell she was doing up there in the first place. The space was only 8-10 inches wide. Go right now and get a ruler and see exactly how skinny 8-10 inches is. We can promise that you don’t have to worry about that happening to the Quill Sisters. We’re not 100% sure our heads would even fit in an 8 inch gap. There is no way our boobs are fitting. We’re not bragging about it. On the contrary, it’s a sad, sad commentary. Here’s the best part. The firemen had to cover her with water and soap in order to get her out. If it’d been us, we’d have begged for butter.

5. CARB NIGHT. The diet we’re on is The Carb Nite Solution. It’s totally working so far. The author is a scientist not a doctor, and he’s read all the studies for us and explains the science of dieting. It’s empowering. Just about everyone has done a no carb diet at some point, but this one has one extra winning aspect. Carb night. Every seventh day you’re allowed, nay commanded, to eat a carb overload. Last week on carb night one of us ate popcorn, a loaf of rosemary bread (yes a loaf), pasta with meat sauce, a chocolate eclair, and a bowl of ice cream. Then she lost four pounds over the next two days. Seriously. By day five – two days away from Carb Night – you’re so desperate for a treat you almost can’t stand it. We have a long list of food for Saturday including pizza, white cake, a pretzel, chocolate chip cookies, and donuts. In fact, we’re thinking of taking a blanket to the Dunkin Donut/Baskin Robbins combination store down the street and just having a picnic in the lobby.

We think we might be dying. The only cure is a chocolate eclair. If we can only last another 24 hours everything will be good. We get to have a cheat night on our diet tomorrow. It’s fully sanctioned by the diet bible. Not only is it sanctioned, it’s required. This has been an excruiciating nine days, but it’s all going to be worth it in six months when we’re svelt. No, we’re not delusional. Why do you keep looking at us like that. Whatever. Read these funny things and leave us alone in our misery.

1. Giant squid. They photographed a giant squid. The exciting part is they found it alive. Up to recently we’ve only ever seen these Verne-esque monsters when they’re dead and washed up on a beach somewhere. The problem with the pictures the Japanese submarine took is there is no perspective so we can really comprehend how enormous the thing is. We find this fascinating that there is so much in the ocean we’ve never seen. Who knows what’s under  there. Maybe mermaids. It’s possible. We know you can hardly believe that at no time in this post have we mentioned that we want a baby giant squid. You can rest assured that the baby squid population is safe from us. If a mermaid shows up, though, all bets are off.

This is the version we want. It can play The Streak. Or Smokey and the Bandit.

2. NHL. Sweet mother of Zeus it looks like the lock out is finally over. We’ve lost half the regular season. Tons of fans are super annoyed. There’s nothing like waiting for billionaires and millionaires to stop squbbling over minutia. Our New Years Eve plans were ruined and we’re not happy about it. Just get out on the ice and shoot some pucks, alright. Enough of this bullshit. We’re done.

3. Very quiet cars. The federal government is talking about forcing electric cars to make noise when their going slowly or idling. All this because people have forgotten to look both ways before crossing the street. Still, this news made us ponder what we’d like our cars to sound like should we get electric ones. We thought it’d be cool if you could pick a song like you do for your ringer on your phone. We vetoed the Tequila song because, while fun, it is vastly inappropriate. Then we thought how fun if you could put the ice cream man music on there and freak out all the kids in the neighborhood. What music would you put on for your car?

4. Chris Kluwe. We just found out about Mr. Kluwe, the kicker for the Minnesota Vikings. That’s a shame because he’s adorable. There’s nothing that will catch and hold our attention like a handsome man who is also intelligent and funny. Mr. Kluwe has thrown himself into a firestorm of epic proportions that landed him on the Colbert Report (see above re: intelligent, funny, handsome) with Stephen Colbert. Chris was oh so charming on the show. The letter that landed him there can be read here. You’ll enjoy his excellent use of such phrases as hedonistic debachery and cognitive dissonance. Rock on you cute little smart boys.

5. The Nominations. As a former film major and a life-long lover of movies, the Oscars thrill us every year – and we don’t just mean for the red carpet walk. Besides the fun of celebrating movies there’s always the chance of something totally wonky happening. Remember last year with Angelina’s right leg? That was weird and outrageously amusing. From what we can tell, the rest of the guys up for Best Actor don’t even need to show up since Daniel Day Lewis was nominated. Shame, really, since they did excellent work as well. Go Oscar!